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I cannot believe it’s been almost 3 years since the birth and death of my first born son. Our lives would have been so different had we had a 3 year old running around here. I miss Silas, the promise of Silas, what could have been our amazing little boy. I feel cheated of his life and what these last 3 years could have been. Of course we made the best of it, in all the ways that we could. We have amazing people in our lives that are supportive and awesome which has helped. I write here often of all the things we do to make our lives full and fun, but a piece of our hearts will always be missing, despite what we try to do to find that happiness.
This year feels different now that I’m pregnant. Last year we were apart for this weekend. I was traveling out west and Chris was here at home. It was hard on both of us, and we promised not to let something like that happen again. With the beginning of Sept comes the natural anxiety. It brings us both instantly back to this time 3 years ago, waiting for our baby to be born. All the things we had to do to get ready, the weather changing and with it a change of seasons. It’s really strange how much our bodies just sense this timing and naturally react to it. This week in particular I’ve been overly emotional. Today I woke up just pissed. I didn’t feel like getting up, going to teach, and really doing much of anything. I still feel mopey and sad and knew that a blog post was important to help me get through it.
This last month has been emotional on so many levels. Chris definitely feels like he is powerless and thus needs to try to protect me as much as possible. I’m sure it’s hard for the guys to have to sit back and watch this unfold, without being able to control every move we make. I go about my day, teaching, driving, cooking, etc and just hope for the best. I hope that I don’t slip and fall, or get in a car accident, or do anything that could take away this precious life inside me. Chris watches me with bated breath, still wishing he could use that bubble wrap and keep me protected from harm until this little guy lands screaming in our arms. Since that is not practical, and yes, I have to live my life, we just try to work it out, communicate our fears and needs, and breathe that big sigh of relief that we got through another day.
We are close to picking our baby’s birthdate which feels awesome and weird at the same time. I had a Dr. appt today and a date is being requested, but they can’t schedule until 32 weeks, and I’m at almost 31. I can’t even believe sometimes how my whole perception of birth has changed since losing Silas. I am thrilled to be with doctors (though I love the 2 midwives in the group too), can’t wait to deliver in a hospital, and am truly looking forward to my scheduled c-section. I want a healthy, live, screaming baby and if this is how it’s done, I’m all for it.
So here we are, just patiently waiting for our first real live baby in our arms. I feel so close I can taste it, but man, 8 more weeks! arghhh!! I’m so ready for this. Every single day, I look at my belly and give thanks. I still cannot believe it- that I am really pregnant, and that it’s almost time to deliver this miracle child. With all the fertility treatments we went through, I feel like this babe inside me is truly a ray of sunshine that we worked so hard for. Every little kick reminds me of that, every day.
Despite all that, I do complain sometimes, even though I said I wouldn’t! Pregnancy is hard on my body- I tire easily, my feet get swollen, I’m uncomfortable as can be, I sleep poorly. Chris is quick to remind me how much we wanted this, but sometimes I can’t help myself!! I am truly thrilled, of course, but I am ready though. This baby feels like 4 years in the making- which is a hell of a long time to wait for a baby.
The hardest part though lately has been answering the question-
“Is this your first?”
It happens up to 5 times a day. Most of the time I say yes, just to make it easier on all of us. But I feel terrible about it every single time. In some ways I want everyone to know about Silas, but I know it’s just not appropriate to share what happened sometimes. I don’t think it will ever be easy, regardless of how I answer. It’s always followed up with a truly uncomfortable conversation that I really don’t want to have.
To get through this tough weekend, we made sure to make awesome plans. We are going to NYC and walking the Highline, meeting up with friends, seeing Wilco at Summerstage in Central Park, staying with my brother and sis in law who have all kinds of fun planned for us all weekend. The anticipation leading up is always harder then the actual day. That seems to be true each year. Maybe somehow my body knows though, that even though Sept 25 was the day I gave birth, it was a Thursday, so today was really the day it all went down. I just want to be sad and melancholy today, it just feels right.
As always, thank you for all your support, those who read, and those who read and comment. I am not much of a blog reader these days, but I truly appreciate that there are so many of you who still read and comment and follow our story. I may find myself writing more and more as the time gets closer to baby, and as the anxiety & excitement increases.
So please light a candle for our little Silas Orion on Sunday, look up to his stars, and give your kids a hug for us. xo
The kicks and flutters are a constant now. It is so reassuring at 23 weeks that this little boy (yes, another boy!) growing inside me is active and healthy. I’ve had many tests and ultrasounds in this pregnancy, way more then in my first one with Silas. I think the combination of the IVF, my age and what happened the first time, has dramatically changed the way this pregnancy has been approached- by doctors and by us.
I also find myself comparing the 2 pregnancies often- because that’s what we do. Different but similar aches and pains, the familiar flutters, the swollen feet and ankles, the need to stay fed and hydrated, to be well rested but still active and the never-ending amazement that I can really grow a baby inside my own body. I really still can’t believe it sometimes! I truly feel lucky that I get to be here, a place I’ve been dreaming of for so long in my life.
The doctor/midwife group we chose this time around is just different. It is a more clinical setting, but the warmth is there and the care is impeccable. Some visits have been 5 min long- while others I spend at least 30 getting my questions answered. They are on top of it, making sure that every need we have is met. I even got a call today randomly from one of the midwives, just to see how I was doing. She asked how all the doctors have been, if we’ve been happy with our care. She even asked if they were pronouncing my name correctly! So great. I feel like we are in good hands and very hopeful that this little guy inside me will end up in my arms screaming and healthy.
But as all of us in this community know, nothing is definite and things can go wrong, up to the very last minute. I’m still feeling pretty hesitant that this pregnancy can really end with a live baby. I won’t keep anything for him in this apt until he is alive & kicking. What do we really need? I don’t feel the pressure to set up a baby room (we actually didn’t do this last time either), or have clothes or diapers or anything here until it happens. All the stuff given to us last time is safe and secure at my inlaws. I am confident that when we need it, it will be brought to our home, ready and waiting for us. I refuse to register and really have a hard time even going to that place of decision making. What stroller, bassinet, car seat do we want? Beats me. I checked out what some of my friends have, asked a few questions, but don’t feel like it’s necessary to go there quite yet. I know, I know, a week before I deliver, I’m sure I’ll feel frantic if I don’t have this stuff, but for now, I just want to get through each day. I have lots of people who want to know what I’m going to do about work, daycare, etc. I am not planning a thing. I have some ideas and I know I want to take off some time, but to actually plan what we’re going to do after that is just not going to happen. I planned last time, and then had to take it all back. It was brutal. It just feels better to leave it out there and we’ll figure it out when the time comes.
I’m way more tired this time around. I think being 40 and pregnant is really hard work! I wish I could exercise more, but it’s so hot on the east coast and so hard to get motivated to even take a walk! I am still teaching the kids yoga and am pretty much using it as my form of exercise right now. Every downdog feels heavenly, but my body definitely doesn’t move the way it’s used to! That I remember explicitly from last time. That crazy feeling of not being able to bend and stretch like I am normally capable of.
I know my sister does not want a big announcement made (sorry J), but her pregnancy, only 7 weeks behind me, is so very exciting in my family. My parents are beyond thrilled and daily texts from my mom are not unusual.
“How are my girls feeling today??”
It’s so amazing to see my parents so happy. They have struggled to deal with the grief and loss of their first and only grandson while staying hopeful that their 3 kids in their late 30’s will procreate sooner rather then later. They have to listen to all their friends who only want to talk about grandkids. So now that both of their daughters are preggers, it is a really happy time in the Rosen family. When I start to think about the thought of “What if that IVF cycle didn’t work?” I get a feeling over my body that is so horrific, I don’t even want to go there. It happened and it’s all good. But it is still so hard to even believe sometimes.
We just got back from a fantastic trip out west for a good friends wedding in Lake Tahoe. So beautiful and so much fun. Of course we also stayed a few days in SF- bar hopping, coffee tasting, seeing friends, eating burritos and just enjoying ourselves immensely. Meeting new babies (me with gifts in hand finally!) and seeing pregnant friends, all with a huge smile on my face and excitement for them that was real.
As always, the love and support we get from our friends & family, and those of you who read my words have kept me going. So I just want to say thanks.
I’d like to thank my friend Angie from Still Life With Circles for putting this project out there for us to participate in. Angie is an incredible force in this community and her blog was one I read daily way back when. I don’t read many blogs these days. I write on mine every so often, but it feels different then when I first lost Silas. Back then, it was my lifeline. It was what kept me sane. I devoured blogs, commented daily and made a group of friends who also lost babies around the same time. Our lives have progressed differently since then. Some went on to have subsequent babies pretty quickly, others, like me, took a lot longer, while still others have yet to conceive again. Though our paths were different after our losses, our stories & comments kept each other sane and able to move forward through the early months of heartache, pain and devastation. I will always cherish those beginning friendships and the strong connections we made. These women just got me, they knew what I was feeling and were there for me no matter what.
I sometimes go back and read my early posts, from when I guest wrote on my husband Chris’s blog Elm City Dad. I was raw, angry, sad, depressed. You name an emotion and I felt it. I was honest though about how I felt. I knew people in my life were reading, people who knew and loved me. It didn’t change what and how I wrote, I knew that they actually used our blogs as a tool to help them deal with us. We told it like it was- putting it all out there with real, honest emotion.
I think that because of our blogs, we are still super close to all our friends. It was their way of connecting to us in helping to know what we were going through. Our friends found it easier to contact us because of it. Having email, text, fb, gchat and blog comments gives us so many outlets to communicate and I appreciated every single one of them. I didn’t need my friends calling me. I didn’t need people to worry about “how I was doing.” My blog shared that, and if you took the time to comment or email or text, I let you know that I was ok. They knew and understood I couldn’t see their new babies, couldn’t send a gift or call/write to congratulate them. The jealousy, oh the jealousy. This part of me was a huge loss- not being able to see, hear, watch, read about babies. They were everywhere and it was almost impossible to navigate.
Those early days were so incredibly hard. I couldn’t lose the weight, couldn’t get pregnant, didn’t have my son and really couldn’t make sense of this world that came crashing in on me. I am one of those people though that couldn’t hide in my bed all day, every day, even though I thought that was what I wanted. Chris and I went out, saw friends & lots of music. Leaned on our amazing families & friends a lot. I practiced yoga, went to bootcamps & therapy, and continued my work as a children’s yoga teacher. I struggled through it all, but I think that because we continued to live life, through our loss and grief, really brought us to where we are today. We are still devastated by our loss, but we don’t wear our grief on our sleeve. We worked through it, around it, inside and out. I will always miss him, til the day I die – but my heart isn’t aching like it did in that first year. Sometimes I can’t believe I’m still standing, and other times I am proud to be still standing.
I am finally pregnant again, exactly 2 years & 8 months later. It took a really long time for that to happen. I think for me, it made this journey a bit more tumultuous. My time was spent grieving the loss of my sweet little first born son Silas and then it was spent trying to get pregnant again. After awhile, it turned into just trying to get pregnant again. Silas was there in my heart, but his loss wasn’t my focus anymore. I was determined to get pregnant and after a year of trying on our own, it was time to venture into the land of infertility drugs. I couldn’t believe this was our life. First we lost our child at birth, and then we can’t get pregnant? That just seemed truly fucked up. I mean seriously? We tried every fertility treatment out there, and finally, became pregnant after our 3rd IVF attempt. I am currently 13w4d and was feeling great until last night. We had a bit of a bleeding scare, but found out I have placenta previa and it’s pretty common. Now I am just told to take it easy which I’m attempting to do.
This pregnancy is fraught with the feeling of it being our last hope to have a child. It finally happened and I wont let anything take it from me. Last night, right after the toilet was filled with blood, I sobbed with the thought of having to start this process over again. It can’t possibly be happening. But the bleeding stopped, the ultrasound showed a heartbeat and a healthy baby, and I’m now required to chill out. At this point, I will do what I’m told. Chris wants to wrap me in bubble wrap and put me in a closet and not let me out til I’m ready to birth this baby.
Now that I’m finally here though, I am finding a new relationship with Silas and his loss. I still get choked up when I see my friends kids who were born around when he was. I sometimes can’t believe I could be parenting a 2 1/2 year old. That always breaks my heart. I am constantly now required to answer the question “is this your first?” This brings up all kinds of feelings and emotions about whether to share and break someone’s heart? or pretend Silas didn’t exist? It’s a very challenging question to answer, no matter how I choose to answer it. I always hesitate and I still haven’t figured it out it in the moment.
Silas taught me so many lessons. He taught me that everything in life doesn’t always work out & things don’t happen for a reason (sometimes shitty things just happen). He taught me patience. He allowed me to fall even more in love with my husband (which I didn’t think was possible). I gained a better appreciation for what I have & more empathy for those who are suffering. Over time I’ve learned that when shitty things happen to me, I don’t have to blame myself for it. Blame and guilt, 2 huge emotions that come with loss. I worked through those emotions, and while I’m not completely healed of them, I don’t beat myself up anymore. Silas Orion will always be a light in my life, will always hold a space in my heart and will always be the big brother to the next little Gallagher to come our way.
Though I don’t write much anymore, I do feel it is appropriate to write up a little something to honor my sweet little Silas who is not here with us as we approach the 2nd anniversary of his birth/death.
I have been traveling around the west coast these last few weeks, celebrating bachelorette parties & weddings and just hanging out in SF right now for the week. My sister’s wedding is in Colorado next week so it just seemed to make more sense to just stay out here rather then go back and forth for each of the weddings. So now I am here and Chris is there and we will not be together tomorrow.
This has been a wonderful week for me filled with friends & fun, but it has been a real challenging one for Chris who had to say goodbye to me last Sunday after our amazing Sonoma wedding weekend. He has had to work and deal with all the regular daily life annoyances. Without me there by his side, it has been quite challenging and emotionally charged.
I decided to hold a kids yoga teacher training this weekend in Berkeley- I thought that working (while having to be away from Chris) would be the only way to get through it. We’ll see. I’m doing alright so far, but these last 2 days have been harder then I’d hoped.
As I reflect on the turns my life has taken these last 2 years, I do realize how far I’ve come from that traumatic time. I still have that little place in my heart that is broken and probably always will be, but I also have found ways to experience joy, love, laughter, friends, music, food and all the good things that life also offers. I cherish my relationships and I try to be an extra good friend back. I know what it feels like to want something so badly it hurts, and because of that, when I get it, it will be that much sweeter. That I know.
There is a calm surrounding me right now. I’ve worked hard to get to this place. New pregnancies and babies still hurt deeply because jealousy is a normal human emotion that plays a big part in my world. But I’ve learned to deal with it head on, and because of that, I can hold my friends babies and hang with my pregnant friends and still be ok. I can’t let what happened to me take away my happiness for others, even when the jealousy seeps in. It’s a daily struggle, but one where I feel like I am winning more often then not.
As always, I have to thank you all for holding us up and holding us near. It is what gets us through.
So tomorrow, on Sept 25, please look up into the sky and think of our beautiful little boy Silas Orion. Maybe light a candle, or honor him in your own special way, but definitely give all your kids some extra love for us.
The song Sorrow by Pink Floyd came on my ipod today while I was driving and I thought about how that word just nails how I’ve felt this summer.
Yesterdays -all of a sudden- fall weather threw me for a loop. After all the heat and humidity, to get this burst of fall sent a pit to my stomach that is unmistakable. It is that feeling of dread, that feeling I’ve felt only once before and that was last year this time.
The change of seasons now, of summer to fall, will always signify the impending birth and death of Silas. I remember that feeling all too well of hanging in our yard with our various friends and family members, weeks after Silas died, watching the leaves and acorns cover our yard. This time of year will never be the same again. It just feels too soon for it to happen. It’s still August – I just wasn’t prepared for it.
Both Chris and I felt it yesterday. We didn’t even have to talk about it, but we acknowledged the change in the weather and that deep, dark pit it left in our stomachs. It’s been a tough summer for me. I haven’t worked all that much, and when I have, I’ve felt like I’ve lost my passion a bit. I’m a lost puppy right now. In between 2 lives. One that I’ve lived and one that I want.
It makes it really hard to be satisfied and fulfilled when you are treading in that in between place. I can’t ever have my old life back. The easy-going fun with friends & music & innocence. I don’t have that life I’ve been wanting now for what seems like years. We’ve been living here in New Haven for almost 3 years. This longing for a child has been with me for longer then that. We started trying way back when we returned from our 3 month honeymoon in SE Asia. That seems like a lifetime ago and a really long time to be wanting something.
I am taking a trip out west in a few weeks and I’ll be gone for almost a month. I’ve had that need to get away for a bit, to maybe find those parts of myself that I lost. I have my sister’s bach party in Vegas, a quick stint in LA, our friends wedding in Napa, some SF time and then my sisters wedding in Colorado. Instead of the back and forth, I decided to make it a west coast journey, with time off to recharge, renew and let go. Chris will be coming out for both weddings so as soon as I start missing him, luckily I’ll get to see him. Being without him will be hard, but I know we’ll manage. It’s really the kitties I’m worried about. I miss them when we’re gone overnight!
The strange part of all of it is that we’ll be apart on Sept 25. I am doing a Kids Yoga teacher training that weekend in Berkeley and Chris will be home in New Haven. I know it will be hard for us to be apart on that day. But every single day of my life is hard now, so really, how much harder will that be for us? It’s just how it worked out.
Last week we rented a beach house with friends for a few days. The Phish shows we saw were really fun, but the real highlight was getting to swim in the ocean. Oh, how amazing it feels to dive in and under huge waves, and ride them to shore. I felt like I was able to leave behind some of the sorrow and grumpiness I’ve been holding inside me these last few months. Then yesterday’s winds and cold came and brought it right back.
I tried really hard to not pay attention to my cycle this time around. But since it lasted for 40 excruciating days, it made it almost impossible to ignore. Days 32 & 33 I thought, “hmmm, where are you period?” I know you are coming. Days 34-36 I thought, ok, this has happened before, I don’t feel pregnant, you must be coming any minute. Days 37 – 39, ok, well, now it’s really really late. I must be pregnant. Right? BFN. Ok, so I’m not. Where the hell are you then? And onto day 40, I finally drank some ginger tea and bam, there she was. And so it goes. Story of my life. If I’m not going to be pregnant, then why can’t my periods just come on time? Why do I have to be fucked with? So unfair. Of course I googled “late period after failed IVF” and a shitload of posts from every baby/fertility site came up. I guess I should have done that a week before and spared myself the torture of thinking, am I? Is this normal?
I’ve been doing the acupuncture, chinese herbs, red clover, red raspberry leaf & nettles tea, royal jelly, false unicorn root path and so I just assumed all that would have helped my cycle get regular. Even though I am taking all these herbs and eating the right foods (though I have not given up beer- I have to have a little fun right?) and all that, I also did not pay attention to my cycle at all. I didn’t even know I was late until I went to my acupuncturist who said, oh, today is day 32 of your cycle. What? Oh, how ’bout that. I was proud of myself for not counting all month and not paying attention to any of it.
And look where that got me.
So, as my sorrowful summer comes to a close, I am going to continue to stay thankful for all the little things I do have in my life right now: Chris, the kitties, being back to my pre-baby weight (yay!) and a super fantastic Vegas weekend to kick off a few weeks of much needed travel.
Yes, it is true. IVF #2 did not work. Like a fool, I decided to test myself earlier in the week and it was a BFN. I know that didn’t really mean it was a BFN definitely, but I had a meltdown anyway. I think I knew in my heart of hearts that it was better to get the meltdowns done early, that way I wouldn’t have to ruin the weekend ahead.
We have a wedding to go to at Hunter Mountain, lots of good friends will be there. Friends we haven’t seen from SF in a long, long time. I was hoping it would be as much celebratory for our friends getting married as it would be for us – but it’s not. So this morning’s hpt didn’t shock me. I still went in for a blood test to be sure, and the phone call came and again, it was what I expected.
I have been mentally preparing for the inevitability of this news. I did not put all our eggs in this basket. I did not assume the 2nd time would work b/c everyone kept telling me that it does. I have been living with disappointment for almost 2 years. From the day Silas died, things just haven’t let up.
We work hard day after day to smile, laugh, have fun, live life. We have to. But it gets to be too much sometimes. During my meltdowns, I didn’t want to make myself feel better. I didn’t want to do anything except cry and be sad. Talking about it with my therapist, she said that was a really healthy way to go through my pain. To not hide it away, or go around it, but to just be in it. It seemed to work, because the next few days leading up to today ended up being ok- I must have gotten it all out. I cried a lot in the car on my way home from the clinic today, but then got home, crawled back in bed with Chumby and just moped.
Now here I am, doing some craft project I have to get done, attempting to stay sane in this intense heat. The heat- man that on top of everything else has just killed us. I think b/c of how hot it is here in the Northeast this week, nothing seems ok. When its this hot & humid and things already seem bad, it just makes it worse. I love the heat, but this has been really, really hard.
This FET cycle was pretty easy. We went to see 4 Phish shows in 6 nights, while still working and sometimes even staying over at friends or camping. I was able to do my injections when needed, and managed to be ok emotionally. It was really fun and totally worth it, even though the running around and lack of sleep was hard on us. But I think because of that, all of a sudden it was transfer day. It kind of snuck up on us this time around.
These last 2 weeks though have been much harder on me emotionally then I thought it would be. The lack of exercise has really taken a toll. Each cycle, the 2 week breaks have been getting harder- I am not very good at taking it easy. Somehow I feel like it’s my own fault it didn’t work again. Like maybe I shouldn’t have lifted that, or walked there, or eaten that.
We have decided to take a break with all this fertility bs. Just give ourselves some time to just be with each other and not have the pressure of injections & appts.
I won’t disappear. I need this blog and my writing to keep me sane. Thanks again for all the support.
I am finding that I cannot relate to most of the blogs out there like I used to. We were all in the same place at one time, having just lost our babies and working hard together to find some solace in that darkness. But now? Most have gone on to have their subsequent children and some are pregnant about to have their 2nd or even 3rd (for those who already had a child before their loss).
I lost my son at full term, 10 hours after he was born due to loss of oxygen. I don’t have a living child at home, and I’m not pregnant. We’ve been trying for over a year now, which would naturally connect me to the others struggling with IF. But not too many have also carried a baby to term, only to lose this child after it had been born. So while I am part of the loss crowd, I’ve now entered the IF crowd and I don’t really fit into either so nicely anymore.
It’s a terrible feeling and I’m not sure what to do with it. I miss my friends, I miss what they have to say. But it’s painful to read about the pregnancy woes, the sleepless nights, all the things I would give anything to have right about now. So I don’t go there. I know everyone’s shit is relative to their own life. I know when I finally get pregnant, it will be hard. But right this second, I want that shit. I want the sleepless nights, I want everything that comes with having a new baby. I’ve waited long enough.
I’m so done with this phase, this in between place of not having my baby and no possibility that I can see. I believe it will happen, and maybe even soon. But this moment, I don’t have a due date, I don’t have a glimmer of hope or a light at the end of this dark, dark tunnel.
I know that this next pregnancy will be different. I know that the question “Is this your first?” will get tiresome. I know that I will be more worried then I was the first time. But I also know that I would do pretty much anything at this point to be there, that I’ll take all of it. I’ll take all the questions, all the discomfort, all the worries, the tiredness and not wanting to cook. Seriously, is all of this too much to ask for?
So anyway, thanks for listening. The positivity and hopefulness is still there most of the time, It’s who I am. But sometimes a good vent is what I need to get through my day.
Sally Kempton, a tantric meditation teacher, shared that with us in my class with her at the sf yoga journal conference. Obviously it struck quite a cord with me. I’ve been thinking of this statement as I go through my days. Fighting the feeling to let my loss and continuous pregnancy struggles get me down.
But I’ve been feeling so lonely these days. I miss Bandha and his neediness. I don’t have a 17 month old tearing up the place like I should. There is a never-ending emptiness that can’t even be filled with all the fun we try to fill it with.
My trip to SF was just that- a complete whirlwind and pure fun. I spent tons of time from one end of the city to the other, meeting friends for lunch, dinner, bars, hospitals, you name it. I ate so well and drank lots of cali wine. I took yoga, meditation, pranayama & acroyoga classes at the conference. It was a blast. I went from friend to friend, place to place and did everything I could have wanted and more. I am lucky to have had the opportunity and I have the greatest group of friends ever.
Meeting Paige and Aliza was incredible. From the second we met, I felt like we were old friends. It was really easy- us babylost mamas speak a language that only we share. Meeting Sev was awesome. I loved holding him and smelling him and taking in the new-babyness. I need that in my life. I don’t do that, I haven’t done it since losing Silas and I felt it was time. I am finding myself opening up to babies and pregnancy. I’ve shielded myself from it for a long time, for protection which is truly understandable. But I’m over it- so over it. So tired of being angry and sad – this trip helped open me up to the parts of myself that I miss.
I spent the following week after my trip pretty much on the couch every night. I crashed and crashed hard. I found it hard to do much else besides lay around and watch tv. The effort to fill my void with goodness truly took its toll when I came back to the loneliness I was escaping. Don’t get me wrong, having Chris to come back to was the best. I missed him so much while I was away, it was hard to be out there without him! We are a team – more then ever, and without him I don’t feel whole. But there is a void that is hard to escape, and it fills our lives so profoundly.
I am working hard to meditate on this statement and rise above the shit we’ve been handed. What other choice do we have really? In so many ways we do have so much, and I need to recognize that as much as possible. There are so many out there rooting for us and its amazing. It is very powerful and it propels me forward and out of bed every day. With Chumby being exceptionally snuggly these days, it really has become so hard for the both of us to get up in the morning.
Chumby has definitely changed since we put Bandha down. She is all over us, both of us now. She is way more lovey with Chris then ever and it’s so sweet. It used to be all about me, but now she wants to snuggle with him too. We are planning on getting another kitty for her to torture- just waiting for the right time. A new cat will definitely help fill the void here and piss Chumby off so bad, but I do think she is lonely too.
We’ve started the injectible fertility meds. I don’t really want to go into too much detail about the timing of it all. The only thing I’ll ask is that you cross your fingers that the lucky socks will work their magic when the time comes!
~I am getting one of the pairs of lucky socks!!! Thank you Statia & Helen- it’s much appreciated. Thank you all who voted for me, you guys are all super awesome. We met with our RE today and it has been decided to try the injectibles before heading straight to IVF. So that’s where we’re at right now. These socks will definitely come in handy.
~More happy news- Paige, who lost her son Cayden a year ago this month, just gave birth to Severin Cayden yesterday! Little Sev now shares a birthday with Carly who turned 2. Carly and her parents are home now after another stint in the hospital and we’re hoping she gets time to heal for good.
~Bandha is the same as he’s been the last week. No better no worse. I keep giving him the meds and hope that he’s not in pain. He continues to eat and want to go outside, so I guess it’s all about waiting and watching.
~In 2 weeks I’m going to visit SF for the Yoga Journal Conference! I really wanted to go this year so I applied for a scholarship that they offer- it’s really expensive to attend these yoga conferences. I have taught kids classes at them in the past and also attended them when they were more affordable to me. This year I knew I needed a trip out to SF to see my friends and meet with my teachers, and I knew I needed to go to this conference. So I applied for the scholarship and got it. I beyond excited (I even had a dream about it this morning!)
While I am there, I get to meet Paige and little Sev as well as Aliza. I can’t wait. In the midst of all this crappiness, it’s nice to have something fun to look forward to.
Sun, music, relaxing, dancing, partying, camping. It was the recharge we needed. Costumes were worn, a ferris wheel was ridden, time was spent with friends and new pregnancies were shared. There were emotional highs and lows and all the in betweens. I did alright, through all of it. Had a cranky few hours the first day, probably due to jet lag. Besides that, I was happy from the moment I woke up, til the moment I went to bed. I know that hasn’t happened at all in this last year. I loved every moment I was able to look around me and be surrounded by friends. I don’t have that here. We have friends who live all over NY, NJ and New England- but none close enough to hang with like we did in SF. We had a tribe there, a huge group that we spent a lot of time with.
Coming back East was to be with family and occasionally see our friends who live a few hours away. We knew no one in New Haven. 2 years later, we still don’t have many friends, but we’ve made a nice life for ourselves. I miss SF, but I’m ok here. I realized this past weekend that I missed the tribe though. The close connections that happen when you spend a lot of time with people. Our crew spans across the country and around the world. It is a special bunch and I’m proud to be a part of it.
I feel so lucky that I have so many great friends who took so much time to make sure we were okay all year. During the weekend, I never felt like I had this babylost mom identity. I felt like the old Lani and it was nice. My sadness was there, but I didn’t take it out much. I didn’t feel the need to. I felt like sharing in fun & laughter instead. A lot of them had not seen us since Silas died and needed to give us hugs. We had a lot of people who have been waiting a long time to hug us.
But I never felt like I had to talk about it. They all know, they read my blog, or we chat on gtalk or email or text. It was an escape and a really necessary one.
There were reminders though- don’t get me wrong. We camped with our friends and their year old son Sammy. The whole time we saw the empty spot in the pack ‘n play that should have been Silas. We also spent time with little Carly- our friends daughter who had the brain tumor. I felt like I needed to give Carly all the love I have inside me and it felt good. Our good friends Brad and Christa have been through a hellish year too and continue to need as much love and support as we all can spare. It felt great to be there with them. They needed our hugs as much as we needed theirs.
Getting back to my regular routine last week was hard. I was ready to come back to it, but I was definitely dragging my feet. I tried to carry that feeling I had when we were away with me as I worked all week. I think I did alright.
Today was a hard one. It was just one of those days. One that I have every month and I’m back to being sad, helpless and disappointed. I knew that the joy would wear off at some point and I’d go back to my normal self. I was hoping to keep it going a little longer but this feeling is inevitable. I’ve learned that in dealing with my grief, I need to experience it all, the highs, lows and in betweens. Though I’ve gotten so used to disappointment, now I’m almost a pro.
I was just hoping the high would have continued a bit longer. Today though, it came to a screeching halt. I knew the sadness would return, it was just waiting in the wings for the right time. It’s one of those days I guess. Even the warm, balmy weather didn’t make it better.
I’m in flip flops in November in CT, pretty amazing, but yet I’m still pissed off at the world today.