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The last few days have been filled with crazy, crazy news.  They found some regrowth in the same tumor spot on little Carly. That enough would make you just want to throw things. Then I got some news about a fellow babylost mom who was pregnant and lost her baby midway through the pregnancy. Really? like, seriously? And then I got some more pregnancy news and then some babies being born news and all these people in my life having their second already since we lost Silas. It’s all just very hard to take, all piled on top of a few days. Somehow I’m still standing.

We are starting IVF again. It’s our 2nd fresh cycle but 3rd altogether since we did that frozen one way back when. We’ve determined this isn’t the be all end all of me getting pregnant. We could not possibly add any more pressure then we already feel going in to this round. If it doesn’t work, we’ll cross that bridge. I’m happy to be in this mind space for this cycle. I know what to expect, I’m not scared, I’m ready.

2 1/2 years out and still trying. How do we stay hopeful? Any suggestions? It’s so hard. I expect not to be pregnant now. It makes the letdown month after month so much easier. I don’t cry much anymore when I get my period. I just expect it. A few weeks back I decided to stop trying so hard. No more acupuncture, herbs, teas, vitamins. I just don’t want to keep putting in effort, time, money, etc when it hasn’t worked. So this month we just said fuck it and whatever happens happens. I’m starting IVF anyway if and when I get my period. We decided to try a new clinic- and this one isn’t having me do a rest down before the cycle. So I just start right with my period. Time to shake things up a little, when things aren’t working, change it up.

I am still having bad days mixed with good days. There are moments where I stop dead in my tracks and think- wait, did my baby really die? I still can’t fathom it sometimes. I also cannot believe I can’t seem to get pregnant. I know everyone in this IF world thinks that- but after our loss, it just seems so unfair. I got pregnant easily the first time, no issues. I wasn’t so young either. How many times can I say this? but its 3 years since Silas was conceived. We’re in that phase of his pregnancy where it was so new and so exciting, but 3 friggin years ago! So long ago. I want to feel that again so badly it hurts.

I am going to do restorative yoga, just like the NY times article said to do.  (yeah yeah I’m a yogi, I should know this but I generally don’t do restorative). I’m going to stay calm and not stress. Even when I’m poking myself with needles day in and day out & driving almost an hour to the clinic at 6:30am on these really cold winter mornings. I’m going to breathe, and relax and take care of myself.  (At least this is my plan).

We now have a few trips planned-  Florida to see my parents, and this is immediately after we find out if this cycle worked. Then we are going to Costa Rica for my 40th and for Chris’ bday and so I can do a teacher training. We also have a trip to Lake Tahoe planned for the summer for a wedding. So all of these trips are something to look forward to, regardless of whether I’m pregnant or not. I have chosen not to add that to the equation anymore. It did me no good when planning for my sister’s wedding. It made it complicated and depressing.

Tomorrow is supposed to be warm, the snow is melting and our parking has reappeared.  Oh, and we have the cutest new kittens – Puck & Purrsephone, have I mentioned that yet? 

I choose to let these little things make me happy these days. It’s all I can do to stay sane.


I have come to the conclusion that I’m just not a great blogger. I have had many, many posts written in my head, but just have not been able to make the time to sit and write them. My focus these days has been on my business. So with that, I am working so hard to keep up with my Full of Joy Yoga blog- that takes a lot of effort on my part so go check it out and see what I’ve been up to lately.

I really can’t believe another year will come and go and we are still in this same damn place. When we took a break from fertility meds this summer, it was to get me strong, healthy and regular. Now almost 6 months later, that has been accomplished. I have a great acupuncturist who I see weekly. What I’ve found fascinating is that I’m back on a full moon cycle (is that tmi?). It’s definitely a step in the right direction though it doesn’t keep me from feeling frustrated and devastated every month I’m not pregnant.

The most upsetting part in this for me right now, is that my insurance will only cover 1 more fresh IVF cycle before I’m 40 and that date is slowly creeping up on us. I need to have that cycle completed by April 28. Which means I need to meet with our dr. and then basically start the whole awful process again next month.

I have finally gotten to a really healthy place, I am feeling hopeful it can happen naturally, yet my insurance has to dictate what we do. I cannot turn down a free IVF cycle. I have to do it and do it feeling calm and ok. It’s hard though, it’s stressing me out and pisses me off and I hate that I have to have my life revolve around insurance rules.

So that’s where we’re at. I wish my disappearance was because I was pregnant. It seems like every other day I am finding out about another pregnant friend. It is hard to be happy for them but even harder to not. So I just am (but after a good cry for myself). Facebook continues to be a minefield that can either entertain me or make me want to throw shit. But for some reason I continue to torture myself day after day.

Luckily Phish has decided to play a lot on the east coast, we have been trying to see as many shows as we can afford. As much as I love the music, it also allows my mind to wander and sometimes in ways that tear me to pieces. I had a blast these last 2 nights, but at the same time, almost brokedown and lost my shit multiple times. I don’t know how to be anymore. I feel as torn up sometimes as I was the day we lost Silas. I think these last 2 years I just have figured out how to fake it.  Don’t get me wrong, I do laugh and have fun, but that  layer of loss and sadness is always there. Sometimes I just hide it really, really well.

After having to put down Beans (unbelievable right?), we got new kittens Puck & Purrsephone from a friend.  They are super cute and lovable and definitely have given us something fun to focus on. New life in our home is good.

Somehow there are still people out there reading- which is amazing to me. Thank you for sticking by me, even when I feel like I have given up on myself.  As down as I can get, the hope is still there.  Chris and I are a team, and even when times get tough, we are in this together. We will make sure that we will have our family, and I am going to make it happen in 2011, no matter how or where or what, it will happen.

That stands for Big Fat Negative for those of you not familiar. I’ve become a regular lurker and sometimes poster on the Resolve fertility message boards. It took me a while to figure that one out, even though I have become quite familiar with the BFN month after month. I was hoping for the good ‘ol BFP but alas, bad news again.

It’s been a tough journey to say the least.  An IVF cycle is challenging on the body, mind and spirit. It takes a toll – especially because it’s a super long process and then getting a BFN out of it, well yeah, that’s just a devastating blow.  The days following those results aren’t so pretty either.

I’ve been in quite a funk since then.  We are trying again, but this time we’re doing a FET (frozen embryo transfer). I’m getting good with all the acronyms and there is quite a lot in this IF world I’m in. This cycle is way easier on my whole being- it’s shorter and way less meds.  I’m not poking myself with needles every day or ingesting tons of hormones that fuck with my moods.

Everyone wants to help me this time around so I am getting some Reiki, some other healing energy work, some bodywork, acupuncture and lots and lots of love. I am working incredibly hard to just stay somewhat relaxed through this cycle.  Luckily we have a few Phish shows in our near future, hopefully the healing power of music will help.

We keep going forward because we have to. I mean we don’t have to, we can choose to stop this whole thing right now and just see if my body decides to cooperate at some point in our future. But I don’t want to wait anymore. I want it yesterday and because I can’t have it yesterday, we have to do everything in our power to make it happen. And even that is a crap shoot as we have now learned.

I have placed my entire future on a perpetual hold. My therapist reminded me today that I need to live each day. You would think that is a pretty easy thing for someone to remember to do, especially for a yogi who’s entire mission is to be present. But I am constantly in the future-

“when I’m finally pregnant, then….” and

“when I finally have my babies, then…”

and it’s all I do these days. This funk I am in has washed over me. I am struggling to work, to be social with friends, to even care about anything else going on. When I think about the oil spill, or Haiti or the inhumane treatment of animals, it tears me apart in ways that may even be unhealthy. I can’t go there because it’s too sad and right now my life is sad enough that I cannot even handle it.

But then somehow I manage to get shit done each day. I dread going to work, but then I see the kids and most of the time they make me laugh or give me hugs or tell me they love me and yeah, that’s why I do what I do. Those moments I sort of forget my funk and my determination to be sad. Or I’ll get an email about a new school, or a new business idea pops into my head and then I dive in and let it take over for a bit.

But even when I can fake it, like I feel like I’m doing most of the time now, I just don’t feel the same anymore. I feel pretty ravaged.

I haven’t written in a while because I really really wanted to write about good news and not the same old shit that keeps happening month after month.  I appreciate those of you who continue to read and comment and stick with me. I don’t think I would have stuck with me after all this time, so kudos to those of you who have.

And dammit, I will have good news soon (there is a smidgen of hope still left in there!)

I have been procrastinating writing for weeks now, but this amazing project brought me back.  I have had so many thoughts and feelings swirling around in my brain lately, but nothing was forcing me over to my blog to put it out there.

Until tonight, reading through blogs I’ve left behind, blogs I used to read all the time but just haven’t wanted to go to lately. I came across something that I need to be a part of.

It’s been National Infertility Awareness Week and I need to show my support. I am part of the community whether I like it or not.  Reading through this list of What Ifs had me in tears. So many resonated with me but these are the few that I live in every day.

What if I will never get to be a mother?

This is my fear.  I got pregnant pretty easily the first time but then lost my baby Silas Orion to a really difficult delivery. He died 10 hours after he was born.  As a teacher to other people’s children, I have been aching for my own.  I want a child to have Chris’ sense of humor, my laughter, and the curly hair we both share. We came so close and it was taken away. Silas was beautiful and perfect and we’ll never know him. I have so much love to give a child, my child. I am sick of being patient.

What if we didn’t choose to do a homebirth?

This one never goes away. If we chose to birth our baby in the hospital, maybe we would still have him today. We’ll never know. We talk ourselves into believing it could have been worse. Our choice of homebirth still haunts us.

What if I just never get pregnant again?

It’s been a year and a half. Month after month of the negative preg test or getting my period. I’ve become used to it. We’ve done clomid, IUI’s, injectibles- none of which has worked. I am healthy, Chris is healthy, we are among the unexplained. Especially since I got pregnant before without meds. I just turned 39 on Wednesday. I had a wonderful birthday, I made sure of it. Did all the things I wouldn’t have done if I were pregnant (went to nyc & drank, ate sushi, saw Courtney Love rock out in a smokey club) and had a grand ol’ time.

Our Niece was born on my birthday as well. Noa Seda Gallagher came into this world on Apr. 28, named after the cousin she’ll never know. Seda means echo or spirit of the forest. Silas means man of the forest, so it is fitting. It is a beautiful tribute, one that brought me to tears during my birthday lunch.  In the year and a half we’ve been trying to get pregnant again, so many others have had their babies.  Noa and I will have a very special relationship of course, since we share a birthday and she is named after my son. It’s just that her perfect and beautiful birth is another reminder of what we don’t have, and what we want desperately.

This IVF process has actually been ok so far. The meds aren’t making me crazy(yet), my body feels strong & healthy (thanks bootcamp!) and I have been feeling hopeful. Something switched in me though yesterday. I crashed hard after the fun of my birthday. Reality set in. There is a new baby in the family, and here I am in the middle of taking some crazy drugs that will hopefully get me pregnant.

But What if they don’t work?

And I have to do this again and again. I read about women having to do cycle after cycle of this, and I don’t know if I have it in me. It’s been a year of using the meds and I don’t know how much longer I can do it.  I hope I don’t have to.

As per instructions from Mel, we need to end our post on a positive note. So I’ll try these on for size-

What if this one will be the charm and I actually get to be a mom to a living child? What if I actually get to hold my very own newborn baby in my arms in 9 months?

ah, that felt really good.

I am finding that I cannot relate to most of the blogs out there like I used to. We were all in the same place at one time, having just lost our babies and working hard together to find some solace in that darkness. But now? Most have gone on to have their subsequent children and some are pregnant about to have their 2nd or even 3rd (for those who already had a child before their loss).

I lost my son at full term, 10 hours after he was born due to loss of oxygen. I don’t have a living child at home, and I’m not pregnant. We’ve been trying for over a year now, which would naturally connect me to the others struggling with IF. But not too many have also carried a baby to term, only to lose this child after it had been born. So while I am part of the loss crowd, I’ve now entered the IF crowd and I don’t really fit into either so nicely anymore.

It’s a terrible feeling and I’m not sure what to do with it. I miss my friends, I miss what they have to say. But it’s painful to read about the pregnancy woes, the sleepless nights, all the things I would give anything to have right about now. So I don’t go there. I know everyone’s shit is relative to their own life. I know when I finally get pregnant, it will be hard. But right this second, I want that shit. I want the sleepless nights, I want everything that comes with having a new baby. I’ve waited long enough.

I’m so done with this phase, this in between place of not having my baby and no possibility that I can see. I believe it will happen, and maybe even soon. But this moment, I don’t have a due date, I don’t have a glimmer of hope or a light at the end of this dark, dark tunnel.

I know that this next pregnancy will be different. I know that the question “Is this your first?” will get tiresome. I know that I will be more worried then I was the first time. But I also know that I would do pretty much anything at this point to be there, that I’ll take all of it. I’ll take all the questions, all the discomfort, all the worries, the tiredness and not wanting to cook. Seriously, is all of this too much to ask for?

So anyway, thanks for listening.  The positivity and hopefulness is still there most of the time, It’s who I am. But sometimes a good vent is what I need to get through my day.

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