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The tumor had spread behind his eye. It was looking all red and bulgy and he was miserable. The sore spot on his gum from the tumor was causing a lot of bleeding and he couldn’t groom himself anymore. He started smelling sick even though he was still eating and wanting to go outside.

We had to put Bandha down last night. People kept telling me that we’ll know. He was so miserable yesterday- the pain meds were no longer working.  Together Chris and I brought him to the vet and listened while she told us it was time.

He did not like being held, he hated it. He would sit on us on his own terms. But now he was being held in my arms like a baby. All swaddled and wrapped in a blanket as the sedative kicked in. I couldn’t help but be reminded of holding my dying baby Silas the same way a year and a half ago.

Bandha was the sweetest little kitty. He was aloof and didn’t say much. He poked me in bed when he wanted his food or to go out, but mostly he slept or wanted headrubs. We called him the headrub slut because he’d take one from anyone!

Our friend Sarah called him Dumbo because he had really big ears.  We think his big ears gave him amazing hearing which also made him super skittish. Everyone always commented on how regal and handsome he was. He had a really large big-cat like face and beautiful green eyes.

When he was a kitten I called him Bunnycat because he had really long paws. I knew he was going to be really big- and he was, he weighed 18lbs at his heaviest!

He was about 6 weeks old when I got him on Oct 7, 1999. He lived a wonderful life in his 11 1/2 years and will be sorely missed around here.

RIP Bandha Fluffhead Rosen Gallagher

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~I am getting one of the pairs of  lucky socks!!! Thank you Statia & Helen- it’s much appreciated. Thank you all who voted for me, you guys are all super awesome. We met with our RE today and it has been decided to try the injectibles before heading straight to IVF. So that’s where we’re at right now. These socks will definitely come in handy.

~More happy news- Paige, who lost her son Cayden a year ago this month, just gave birth to Severin Cayden yesterday! Little Sev now shares a birthday with Carly who turned 2.  Carly and her parents are home now after another stint in the hospital and we’re hoping she gets time to heal for good.

~Bandha is the same as he’s been the last week. No better no worse. I keep giving him the meds and hope that he’s not in pain. He continues to eat and want to go outside, so I guess it’s all about waiting and watching.

~In 2 weeks I’m going to visit SF for the Yoga Journal Conference!  I really wanted to go this year so I applied for a scholarship that they offer- it’s really expensive to attend these yoga conferences. I have taught kids classes at them in the past and also attended them when they were more affordable to me. This year I knew I needed a trip out to SF to see my friends and meet with my teachers, and I knew I needed to go to this conference. So I applied for the scholarship and got it. I beyond excited (I even had a dream about it this morning!)

While I am there, I get to meet Paige and little Sev as well as Aliza. I can’t wait.  In the midst of all this crappiness, it’s nice to have something fun to look forward to.

So I have been nominated to receive a pair of lucky socks to help get me pregnant. Nothing else seems to be working, so if given to me, hell yeah I’ll wear them! So thank you everydaystranger for putting this really sweet gesture out there. You can actually vote for me to get them (that is if you find me most deserving!). Though either way, it’s really cool.

I know I haven’t spoken about our infertility woes in a while. We’re jumping on the IVF train soon, though I think we may keep the details private. I’ll see how I feel with how much I want to share as it gets going . We learned the hard way when we got that false positive on the preg test and told our whole family we were pregnant.  Since then, we’ve kinda kept everything a bit more to ourselves.

I am definitely not a private person, in any way. It’s hard for me to keep all this to myself. I love to share, I find it helpful and healing in so many ways. But on the other hand, it sometimes gets hard when I know so many people are waiting for an answer on a particular day. It’s just too much sometimes. I’m trying to find a balance between sharing enough that helps me (and possibly others), but keeping enough private.

I’ll continue the acupuncture & herbs because it can’t hurt.

As far as the fertility treatments go, we are lucky enough to be able to even consider IVF. We are in one of those states that has a mandate so my health insurance will cover 2.  So yes, I’m thankful for that.

This year isn’t starting off the way I imagined it would. Remember our kitty Bandha who I left out in the rain for 5 hours? Well, he has bone cancer in his jaw and has a huge tumor that apparently is very aggressive.

Around the beginning of Dec we started noticing him sticking his tongue out of his mouth all the time. While we found it cute, we started to realize it wasn’t normal. Especially because he was drooling a lot too. So I brought him to the vet. She couldn’t get a good look in there, but gave a pretty definite diagnosis that it was a tumor. We decided against the super expensive biopsy and all that entails because we decided that we wouldn’t treat him anyway. They would have to remove his jaw and then do chemo and really, what kind of quality of life would that be for any of us?

So she gave him an antibiotic shot that lasted 2 weeks in hopes of it just being an infection. 2 weeks later, no change- and it seemed to have gotten worse. We decided to bring him to another vet for a second opinion. This vet said it was definitely cancer in his jaw bone and that it is pretty aggressive. She also gave antibiotics for an infection that had developed in there as well as pain meds.

So now I have been giving him his pain meds which seems to be helping, but he’s not eating much and basically that is when they told us it was time to consider putting him down. So it may be time to say goodbye to our little Bandha.

I have mentally prepared myself for this inevitability. Right after Silas died, when my cats were the only comfort I had, I had to go there. I know as a pet owner that they won’t be there for as long as you want them, that is reality. But Bandha is only 11 and I didn’t think it was his time yet.

I hate to watch him suffer. I think that is the hardest part of all of it. He can’t tell me what he wants or how he feels and I don’t know how to help him. We’ve been giving him all the love we can,  as much as he allows.

People keep asking how our other cat Chumby is handling it. She usually gets annoyed with him being near her and hisses and swats at him. Now, she is just completely ignoring him like he isn’t even here. It’s really strange. She’s still giving me loads of love though, maybe even extra, knowing how sad we are about Bandha.

As far as eating goes- he won’t eat his cat food or the high calorie food the vet gave me (which is driving me nuts – all the open cans that neither of my kitties want to eat- argh!) and instead, will eat only goat cheese! I guess he knows that if his end is near, he may as well go out with a really yummy meal.

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve written. I just don’t have much to share these days- same old same old, ya know? It’s just a tough time all around and we got through it. We even had a really really fun new year eve. So that is hopefully a sign of what’s to come in 2010. Trying not to be too hopeful but I just have to stay positive.

In the last two weeks though, 2 new babies were born to fellow babylost mama’s.

Carly’s gorgeous little girl Ocea was born on Dec 16, 2009. Sarah’s little sunflower Micah was born on Dec 30, 2009. I am so happy for my friends who have been at my side through this last tumultuous year.

Thank you all – my friends, family and those out there who read and comment. You all are what keep me going.

Here’s to a new decade, a new year and some good friggin’ news.

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