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I keep hoping for some miracle to happen, as I think about my future self with a child and think-

“yes, that’s when I’ll truly be happy.”

I said that to Chris last week. My amazing husband, who is not a yogi, said-

“You need to find happiness in each day in that present moment. That is true happiness.”

or something like that.

Yes, he’s right. I can’t keep looking towards my future, when I assume things will all be better. Things will keep happening, good and bad. I know that. I should know that. It’s the basis of yoga- being present. Here I teach this each and every day to hundreds of  kids and somehow I can’t realize this for myself. I know it, but am not practicing it.

I laugh at least once a day, sometimes more. I do find joy in simple things- in lovely things. Flowers, butterflies, a song I can sing out loud to in my car, a great story on This American Life, chumby snuggling with me every single morning, my hilarious and patient husband, farmer’s market fare, bean & leaf coffee, my yoga kids (most of the time).  That’s a short list.  Obviously there is so much more- family, friends, Phish festivals (of which we are going to this coming weekend and I am so excited I can barely contain myself!). I can probably list at least a hundred other things that bring me joy.  Seeing all my bestest friends from out west and getting real life hugs and love will bring me more joy and happiness then I have experienced in a really really long time.  This coming 5 day respite from the daily grind that we have come to accept is a much needed mental health vacation.

The other day I had a slight meltdown. It was a regress, which I know happens sometimes. All the blame and guilt came back full force over our decision to homebirth Silas. A conversation that Chris & I had the other night and this amazing post by sweet/salty kate had me up in arms. Neither were intended to cause this. But both filled me with self-doubt and fear. Most of the blogs I read these days, of women who had stillborn babies, all believe they were truly to blame. It’s frightening how many of us are so conflicted with what is really just a tragedy that happened. For some of us, we could have made other choices, but for all of us, the intention to birth our babies in the safest, healthiest way was always the main focus. It was always what we wanted for our babies. So why the blame and guilt? I guess everything in life that goes wrong needs to be put on someone or something.  Perhaps a scapegoat makes us feel better.

Another part of it that I am tormented by is all those out there who blame us for the loss of our baby. It is almost too much for me to handle sometimes. But most of the time I then think – who cares about them, the blame I have for myself, that is what is most important and what needs to be dealt with.

Over this year, I have made it a point to share my view that homebirth is what we believed to be the safest and most beautiful way of bringing our son into the universe. For us,  it was not. I am on the fence about homebirth now. For some it is magical, for others, like us, it is tragic. But the same goes for hospital births. All of it is scary and we’ll never ever know what could or would have been.

As humans, we are programmed to think about how we could have changed something in our past or how we want our future to go. I am stuck in that instead of realizing all the beauty that is in my reach every single moment. Even my day in bed when I was sick, was needed and necessary and eventually brought me some happiness.

I hate that I’ve gone backwards- I’m tormented by my past and by my future. I can’t change what is or what hasn’t happened yet. All I have is now and I need to work hard to find those little pieces of joy and happiness in each and every moment. And right now, that would be packing for my vacation!

I haven’t had much to say lately. It’s been a rough time for us and I feel like I’m one giant ball of negativity. It’s not me, it’s not who I ever was, but it somehow feels like it is who I’ve become.

This week in particular has been a hard one, I’ve been sick with a stomach virus for days. That on top of another month gone by without that happy news we’ve been waiting for. Well, actually, the Clear Blue Easy Digital Pregnancy Test said Pregnant on Monday. Chris and I had about 15 hours of excitement before the worst let down yet. I went and got a blood test to confirm it. The results the next morning were not what we expected to hear.

“Lani, your test results came back negative.”

What?! How is that possible. This preg test was the kind that actually said the word – Pregnant. There was no figuring out whether the lines were pink or a plus sign – it actually said it.

We were devastated, we felt so defeated. We even told our families and a few close friends. Now we had to let all of them down too.

My stomach virus kinda started a few hours into our excitement. I just thought it had to do with being pregnant. I even thought I remembered that happening to me last time.  So the next day, after we got the bad news, I canceled all my classes and took the whole day to sleep and not leave my bed. I think I needed to hide myself from the world. It’s how I’ve been feeling inside and out, so maybe this bug came just when I needed it.

Don’t get me wrong, being sick sucks- I hate it. But sometimes it just gives me an excuse to do nothing. To hide myself from expectations, chores, work, email, everything. I am so on, ALL THE TIME, that turning off for me is nearly impossible. I don’t shut down much. I keep my blackberry at my side, read and respond to emails on the go. I work a lot and like I’ve said many times before, I feel like I’m always cleaning.  It’s so strange because I’m a children’s yoga teacher! Yet I have a really hard time chilling out.

So chill out is what i’ve done for these last 4 days. I hated to cancel all my classes- if I don’t work, I don’t get paid. But, my mental and physical health is really what’s most important, so I accepted what had to be done, and I did it.  These few days of peace and quiet in my life were needed. Alright, alright, I still checked my email (I do have a business to run!), but I didn’t cook, clean, do laundry or dishes. I watched movies, read some magazines and took care of me.

Oh, and my car was towed yesterday. After my fit of tears, when I realized it happened, I had to laugh. How could I not laugh? I mean it was seriously ridiculous.

Today I didn’t teach, but I was up to my normal antics. I cleaned, did laundry, even did the garbage. But I do need to do those things too. It feels good to have a clean apt again.  I saw a commercial today for that stupid Clear Blue Easy preg test. They touted that they “are the most accurate pregnancy test on the market.” uh yeah. I seriously almost threw my shoe at the tv. But because I love my tv, I yelled at it instead.

My mental health break was important.  I have to remember to fit that into my every day if possible.  I definitely don’t feel 100% but I’m hoping to be well enough to go to work tomorrow. I don’t think I can chill out for another day- I’m actually ready to face the world again.

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