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Though I don’t write much anymore, I do feel it is appropriate to write up a little something to honor my sweet little Silas who is not here with us as we approach the 2nd anniversary of his birth/death.
I have been traveling around the west coast these last few weeks, celebrating bachelorette parties & weddings and just hanging out in SF right now for the week. My sister’s wedding is in Colorado next week so it just seemed to make more sense to just stay out here rather then go back and forth for each of the weddings. So now I am here and Chris is there and we will not be together tomorrow.
This has been a wonderful week for me filled with friends & fun, but it has been a real challenging one for Chris who had to say goodbye to me last Sunday after our amazing Sonoma wedding weekend. He has had to work and deal with all the regular daily life annoyances. Without me there by his side, it has been quite challenging and emotionally charged.
I decided to hold a kids yoga teacher training this weekend in Berkeley- I thought that working (while having to be away from Chris) would be the only way to get through it. We’ll see. I’m doing alright so far, but these last 2 days have been harder then I’d hoped.
As I reflect on the turns my life has taken these last 2 years, I do realize how far I’ve come from that traumatic time. I still have that little place in my heart that is broken and probably always will be, but I also have found ways to experience joy, love, laughter, friends, music, food and all the good things that life also offers. I cherish my relationships and I try to be an extra good friend back. I know what it feels like to want something so badly it hurts, and because of that, when I get it, it will be that much sweeter. That I know.
There is a calm surrounding me right now. I’ve worked hard to get to this place. New pregnancies and babies still hurt deeply because jealousy is a normal human emotion that plays a big part in my world. But I’ve learned to deal with it head on, and because of that, I can hold my friends babies and hang with my pregnant friends and still be ok. I can’t let what happened to me take away my happiness for others, even when the jealousy seeps in. It’s a daily struggle, but one where I feel like I am winning more often then not.
As always, I have to thank you all for holding us up and holding us near. It is what gets us through.
So tomorrow, on Sept 25, please look up into the sky and think of our beautiful little boy Silas Orion. Maybe light a candle, or honor him in your own special way, but definitely give all your kids some extra love for us.