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That week was so rough, it pretty much knocked me to the ground. First a negative preg test, then getting my period and then having to start the injections again. The hormones were coursing through me – apparently it is so much worse when taking fertility drugs. I was more depressed then ever. Day after day, I kept thinking I would wake up and feel better. It took me almost a week- the longest recovery yet.
I was so angry. More angry then I have been in a very very long time. I was angry at my midwives for failing to deliver a healthy baby, at my body for not cooperating and making me go through all this month after month, the fact that I have to work with other people’s children day after day without having my own, and that we are endlessly struggling to pay our bills. All of it. Angry that my 18 month old baby is not here with me. That I should be trying for live baby #2 right now and yet I’m still working on live baby #1.
I didn’t even want to do anything to help myself feel better either. Didn’t want to meditate, or do something fun. I wanted to be angry and wallow in my pain. I knew that it would lift at some point, so I decided to just stay there.
And then one morning I just woke up and felt ok. Just like that. The angry mood lifted and I was me again. I was able to go into the world feeling like I can smile and not feel like I wanted to hide away and never come out again. It’s amazing what hormones can do.
But I’m fine now. I guess as fine as I can be. To get through yet another tough month, we decided to take the plunge. We finally adopted another kitty! His name is Beans and he is super cute and super lovable. Still a bit of a scaredy cat and Chumby isn’t making him feel too welcome just yet. But all in good time. It’s fun having a new life to take care of and focus on.
The changing seasons have been freaking me out a bit. Wait, it’s spring again? How did that happen? When you’ve been through a trauma, especially one like ours, you see time so differently. I can’t believe that it was 2 years ago in the spring that I was newly pregnant. That last spring I was still freshly mourning the loss of Silas, but still hopeful I’d be pregnant again soon. And now, a year later, I’m still here. Still trying to get pregnant. Watching everyone around me have their babies. I know, I moan and groan about this fact constantly. But it’s wearing on me.
My job, though I absolutely love it, can wear on me too. I see these beautiful kids, day in and day out, and I long for one of my own. My work has saved me, I do know that. It keeps me going, it keeps me busy and it feels good to be part of what is actually helping our country. I am making a difference and that is important. But I have given so much to so many. I want to be selfish and give some of it to my own kids. It’s time already.
I watched 60 minutes yesterday and there was a special on Haiti and how many orphaned kids are out there now, kids whose parents can’t find them. It was heartbreaking. I cried my eyes out watching it- wanting to go there and do something about it. Sometimes seeing the big picture, seeing the tragedy affecting the millions of people all over the world helps me to see how lucky I really am.
I know I am lucky. I know that I have it good over here- people who love me, a roof over my head, and I’m healthy. And while I take the time to realize that, I also allow myself to feel sad for what I don’t have. I can recognize that balance, and that is healthy.
So while the lucky socks did not work last month, I was torn about wearing them again. I couldn’t decide if now they were deemed “unlucky” since they didn’t work for me the first time I wore them. Suffice it to say, I did not wear them this time around. We’re in the dreaded 2ww. Luckily we are heading to Florida this weekend to visit my parents and soak up the warm Florida sun. Should be a fun distraction.
This past weekend of sun was good for our souls. Though it was fleeting, it was a taste of what’s to come and really, it’s hard to be pissed off at the world when it is a beautiful sunny spring day and flowers are blooming all around you.
I’m hoping that this will be another spring where I’ll have a blossoming belly- because it really is time.
So, the lucky socks weren’t quite so lucky. It’s been a very rough month to say the least. The meds make my stomach hurt, I spend way too much time at the clinic, and did I mention that I have to inject myself with a needle every day? Then, to have to just wait and be patient and see if all worked.
I kept saying, “if it works, it’s all worth it.”
But then if it doesn’t? well what then? Back to the drawing board. Our nurse told us we have just barely scratched the surface of whats possible with infertility. A few cycles of clomid/IUI and one of injectibles/IUI isn’t much. So there is hope that something will work, but it is quite exhausting going through it.
We got pregnant naturally before and carried our baby full term. That means I can do it again. I keep thinking about that and it is what keeps us going forward. Knowing that it’s possible. When the doctors are as perplexed as us though, about why it’s not working, that’s when it gets so frustrating. Everything looked great, and I am doing all I can to support the process- acupuncture, light exercise, healthy diet, minimal alcohol.
I know though that so many women have been through the wringer when it comes to infertility. For some, the costs can be outrageous. Our insurance covers most of it, but the co-pays and what it doesn’t cover start to add up. I have read about women who have done months upon months of the meds, cycle after cycle of IVF, and still, no baby. I can’t imagine having to put my body through that much torture. And it feels like torture to me. This last month was one of the worst I’ve had in the last year and a half. And now I know what’s coming and am bracing myself to have to do it all over again.
I’m so ready to be happy again. I’m so ready for this process to come to an end. I want to be in a new place, with the hope of a baby (or babies!) at the end of this.
My rants are getting old.
There are moments I feel like it’s too much for me to handle sometimes. How am I still standing? How is it that I can smile, laugh and find brief moments of joy? But I do. We make the effort, in order to keep forging this path ahead.
In the midst of all this though, is navigating through a world where everyone around me is either pregnant or already has children. (oh, and btw, as hard as it is for you to tell me you are pregnant, it’s way harder for me to find out on facebook. I can handle it, truly.) The childless are dropping like flies and it all seems so easy for everyone else.
I don’t believe we’re the only ones struggling, I know that it has been challenging for others as well. But I guess when it is happening to you, it feels like time is standing still and that you are so alone in this endless journey.
I have a bunch of pictures above my desk, one of Chris and me when I was pregnant at a wedding. You can’t see my belly, but you can see the joy in our faces (along with my HUGE boobs). The other is from our wedding weekend, where Chris has his head resting on my shoulder and I’m wearing this awesome hot pink hat, some boas and a huge grin. We look relaxed and truly happy. Below those is a photo of Silas because it is important that he’s there. I need that reminder day after day that I gave birth to a gorgeous little boy.
I stare at these photos, longing for my life to feel like that again.