So, the lucky socks weren’t quite so lucky.  It’s been a very rough month to say the least. The meds make my stomach hurt, I spend way too much time at the clinic, and did I mention that I have to inject myself with a needle every day? Then, to have to just wait and be patient and see if all worked.

I kept saying, “if it works, it’s all worth it.”

But then if it doesn’t? well what then? Back to the drawing board. Our nurse told us we have just barely scratched the surface of whats possible with infertility. A few cycles of clomid/IUI and one of injectibles/IUI isn’t much. So there is hope that something will work, but it is quite exhausting going through it.

We got pregnant naturally before and carried our baby full term. That means I can do it again. I keep thinking about that and it is what keeps us going forward. Knowing that it’s possible. When the doctors are as perplexed as us though, about why it’s not working, that’s when it gets so frustrating. Everything looked great, and I am doing all I can to support the process- acupuncture, light exercise, healthy diet, minimal alcohol.

I know though that so many women have been through the wringer when it comes to infertility.  For some, the costs can be outrageous. Our insurance covers most of it, but the co-pays and what it doesn’t cover start to add up.  I have read about women who have done months upon months of the meds, cycle after cycle of IVF, and still, no baby.  I can’t imagine having to put my body through that much torture.  And it feels like torture to me. This last month was one of the worst I’ve had in the last year and a half. And now I know what’s coming and am bracing myself to have to do it all over again.

I’m so ready to be happy again. I’m so ready for this process to come to an end. I want to be in a new place, with the hope of a baby (or babies!) at the end of this.

My rants are getting old.

There are moments I feel like it’s too much for me to handle sometimes. How am I still standing? How is it that I can smile, laugh and find brief moments of joy? But I do. We make the effort, in order to keep forging this path ahead.

In the midst of all this though, is navigating through a world where everyone around me is either pregnant or already has children. (oh, and btw, as hard as it is for you to tell me you are pregnant, it’s way harder for me to find out on facebook. I can handle it, truly.) The childless are dropping like flies and it all seems so easy for everyone else.

I don’t believe we’re the only ones struggling, I know that it has been challenging for others as well. But I guess when it is happening to you, it feels like time is standing still and that you are so alone in this endless journey.

I have a bunch of pictures above my desk, one of Chris and me when I was pregnant at a wedding. You can’t see my belly, but you can see the joy in our faces (along with my HUGE boobs). The other is from our wedding weekend, where Chris has his head resting on my shoulder and I’m wearing this awesome hot pink hat, some boas and a huge grin. We look relaxed and truly happy. Below those is a photo of Silas because it is important that he’s there. I need that reminder day after day that I gave birth to a gorgeous little boy.

I stare at these photos, longing for my life to feel like that again.