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I’m waiting patiently for the nausea to start but it just isn’t showing up like it did last time. I was sooo sick for the first 4 months of the pregnancy with Silas. I love that this one is so different already. It makes it easier. But then I get scared that I’m really not pregnant b/c I’m not feeling the symptoms so much. Yeah, my breasts are sore and I’m tired. But that’s it! I know I should feel lucky but it only makes me more nervous.

We are in the process of finding a doctor in the New Haven area. We’ve had many recommendations and now have appointments at 3 different groups. I like the idea of a group of doctors and midwifes but I think Chris is terrified of the idea of a midwife. He is being very open to meeting with all of them but it’s a hard decision to be made. We want this pregnancy to be very different-  our choice in doctors, prenatal yoga teachers, finding out the sex, taking tests we didn’t take the first time, to that big one- having a c-section.

I know that as this pregnancy progresses, there will that question from strangers we’ll have to figure out how to answer -“is this your first?”  I know that it will work itself out as it happens more and more often, but it is something I’ve been thinking about for awhile. Any of you babylost parents who’ve gone on to have their subsequent child/ren, please feel free to share your experiences with me. Any help will be so appreciated.

I get why all of you out there were terrified with your subsequent pregnancies. Last night I had a dream that I was going to lose this baby. I woke up and felt normal, went to the bathroom to check and saw I was fine. It’s just so precarious. This new life growing inside me is so precious and I’m so attached. I’m only 8 1/2 weeks, anything can happen. No matter that I’ve been told that seeing a heartbeat decreases your chance of miscarriage tremendously, I can’t help myself but to feel worried.

But I know we’ll get over that first trimester hump and there will be all the other worries that follow. I promised myself I would just be happy and grateful for this new life. After all this time of trying- and it finally happening for us. But now I keep thinking how close we are. How we’ve reached this goal and now have 7 more months until we finally get that baby that everyone else around us gets to enjoy and love. I dream of holding my own baby in my arms and I am terrified of what may happen between now and when that possibility can be real.

I am happy though. I am excited and joyful and feel a sense of relief I haven’t experienced in years. I know this is normal and just how it’s going to be. I am choosing to accept it and just go with it.  Oh, and I continue to just breathe. Big deep breaths and feel so thankful I am where I am.

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We saw a heartbeat this morning. Yes!!! Such great news. Wow. We are at 6w1d which is really early to see that, but it was there. We both saw it and our Dr. was thrilled.

This is probably crazy but I said to Chris this weekend that if UConn won the basketball championships, I’d take that as a good sign. It’s always hard to know when and if you are making the right decisions. This is all a game of chance and there was a lot riding on this cycle. We switched clinics, not because we thought UConn was better then our other place, just that it was different, had a great reputation and just we felt it was the right thing to do. Even though it’s not convenient, we decided to go for it anyway. It was a great move (obviously!) and a double bonus seeing UConn come from out of nowhere to win it all last night.  I was still nervous this morning, but had a good feeling about it.

I can now breathe a sigh of relief for the next week, til the next ultrasound. It’s hard for me to look to the future still, we have no due date or anything yet. Though I’m sure I can figure it out. I just don’t know if I want to go there just yet. I want to stay present and get through each day feeling relaxed and happy.

That one beating heart was just the most beautiful sight. ahhhhhhh.

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