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I am finding that I cannot relate to most of the blogs out there like I used to. We were all in the same place at one time, having just lost our babies and working hard together to find some solace in that darkness. But now? Most have gone on to have their subsequent children and some are pregnant about to have their 2nd or even 3rd (for those who already had a child before their loss).
I lost my son at full term, 10 hours after he was born due to loss of oxygen. I don’t have a living child at home, and I’m not pregnant. We’ve been trying for over a year now, which would naturally connect me to the others struggling with IF. But not too many have also carried a baby to term, only to lose this child after it had been born. So while I am part of the loss crowd, I’ve now entered the IF crowd and I don’t really fit into either so nicely anymore.
It’s a terrible feeling and I’m not sure what to do with it. I miss my friends, I miss what they have to say. But it’s painful to read about the pregnancy woes, the sleepless nights, all the things I would give anything to have right about now. So I don’t go there. I know everyone’s shit is relative to their own life. I know when I finally get pregnant, it will be hard. But right this second, I want that shit. I want the sleepless nights, I want everything that comes with having a new baby. I’ve waited long enough.
I’m so done with this phase, this in between place of not having my baby and no possibility that I can see. I believe it will happen, and maybe even soon. But this moment, I don’t have a due date, I don’t have a glimmer of hope or a light at the end of this dark, dark tunnel.
I know that this next pregnancy will be different. I know that the question “Is this your first?” will get tiresome. I know that I will be more worried then I was the first time. But I also know that I would do pretty much anything at this point to be there, that I’ll take all of it. I’ll take all the questions, all the discomfort, all the worries, the tiredness and not wanting to cook. Seriously, is all of this too much to ask for?
So anyway, thanks for listening. The positivity and hopefulness is still there most of the time, It’s who I am. But sometimes a good vent is what I need to get through my day.
Sally Kempton, a tantric meditation teacher, shared that with us in my class with her at the sf yoga journal conference. Obviously it struck quite a cord with me. I’ve been thinking of this statement as I go through my days. Fighting the feeling to let my loss and continuous pregnancy struggles get me down.
But I’ve been feeling so lonely these days. I miss Bandha and his neediness. I don’t have a 17 month old tearing up the place like I should. There is a never-ending emptiness that can’t even be filled with all the fun we try to fill it with.
My trip to SF was just that- a complete whirlwind and pure fun. I spent tons of time from one end of the city to the other, meeting friends for lunch, dinner, bars, hospitals, you name it. I ate so well and drank lots of cali wine. I took yoga, meditation, pranayama & acroyoga classes at the conference. It was a blast. I went from friend to friend, place to place and did everything I could have wanted and more. I am lucky to have had the opportunity and I have the greatest group of friends ever.
Meeting Paige and Aliza was incredible. From the second we met, I felt like we were old friends. It was really easy- us babylost mamas speak a language that only we share. Meeting Sev was awesome. I loved holding him and smelling him and taking in the new-babyness. I need that in my life. I don’t do that, I haven’t done it since losing Silas and I felt it was time. I am finding myself opening up to babies and pregnancy. I’ve shielded myself from it for a long time, for protection which is truly understandable. But I’m over it- so over it. So tired of being angry and sad – this trip helped open me up to the parts of myself that I miss.
I spent the following week after my trip pretty much on the couch every night. I crashed and crashed hard. I found it hard to do much else besides lay around and watch tv. The effort to fill my void with goodness truly took its toll when I came back to the loneliness I was escaping. Don’t get me wrong, having Chris to come back to was the best. I missed him so much while I was away, it was hard to be out there without him! We are a team – more then ever, and without him I don’t feel whole. But there is a void that is hard to escape, and it fills our lives so profoundly.
I am working hard to meditate on this statement and rise above the shit we’ve been handed. What other choice do we have really? In so many ways we do have so much, and I need to recognize that as much as possible. There are so many out there rooting for us and its amazing. It is very powerful and it propels me forward and out of bed every day. With Chumby being exceptionally snuggly these days, it really has become so hard for the both of us to get up in the morning.
Chumby has definitely changed since we put Bandha down. She is all over us, both of us now. She is way more lovey with Chris then ever and it’s so sweet. It used to be all about me, but now she wants to snuggle with him too. We are planning on getting another kitty for her to torture- just waiting for the right time. A new cat will definitely help fill the void here and piss Chumby off so bad, but I do think she is lonely too.
We’ve started the injectible fertility meds. I don’t really want to go into too much detail about the timing of it all. The only thing I’ll ask is that you cross your fingers that the lucky socks will work their magic when the time comes!