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This weekend all my thoughts were with my friends Sarah and David as they remember their beautiful little Ezra. Sarah is another babylost mama out there who I have connected with on this journey. She has truly been an amazing friend and support and my heart aches for them on this sad day.
I’m sending all my love. xo
Something really crazy happened today.
A friend mentioned to me that “wow, it’s been 11 months already.”
I had to look at the calendar to realize that today is the 25th and marks the 11th month. I haven’t been paying attention to the dates. I guess I’m just focused on next month, that this one just went right over my head.
It upsets me though. I am so focused on getting pregnant, that I’m forgetting to think about my little baby who is gone. Who is not here with me right this second. It’s a tough spot, one in which I don’t feel too comfortable. I’m still working on the holding on to Silas – getting pregnant with a new baby conundrum. It’s hard to do both. Because of that, I guess I let this important date slip by.
We watered Silas’ tree yesterday. Chris said how both terrible and satisfying it felt to do it. His tree is so beautiful and perfect, but in most ways it’s not comforting at all. It makes me sick to my stomach actually. I should not have a tree instead of my baby.
Today, some of my sweet little girls patted my belly and asked about my baby. These are my 4-5 yr olds who I teach yoga to- who I taught all last year when I was pregnant and who I still continue to teach now. They know what happened but obviously still don’t get it.
One of them said “is your baby in your belly?”
I said “no, there is no baby in my belly.”
“you will soon?”
I said, “yes, hopefully I will have a baby growing inside soon, I’ll let you know when I do, I promise.”
It’s in these moments that I feel the most raw. I get inside these little minds and understand how they don’t get it. How I can be pregnant, deliver a baby, but not have my baby? It makes no sense. Their innocent questioning always knocks me over. I stay strong though, I have to. I answer like it’s totally normal and ok. The teachers usually look up in horror with their jaws dropped open. They never know what to say.
Last week was a really bad week. I was completely shut down, unable to cope with what life threw at me. This week has started a little better. I feel ok, able to answer challenging questions, communicate with my amazing husband and just take care of myself.
It’s so crazy but my crossword puzzle addiction is really helping. It is something I’m focusing on and feeling good when I complete one. It’s altogether just satisfying. I will take the satisfying over anything else right now.
I feel that downward spiral coming on. It’s like a black hole, drawing me in deeper and deeper. I know its the meds talking but somehow, even with all my tools of coping, I can’t do it today. This has been a week of bad luck- of normal everyday things happening, but all at once and what seems like non-stop. My car window was smashed the other day when we were out of town enjoying our Phish concert. More fees on our bank account, my insurance not covering my therapy anymore, even my smoothie pouring out the bottom of the blender just takes me deeper into the abyss.
I hear Chris on the other end of the phone, telling me not to worry about the money, it’s just money. They can’t come get us, it will all work out. I know the money stuff isn’t as big a deal as what we are already dealing with. But compound it with our loss, my fertility woes, the stupid meds, this insane heat and yeah, I crumple.
I sit at my computer, trying to get my fall classes all lined up, flyers made, teacher trainings planned, website fixed and it all doesn’t seem to matter in that moment. My quiet summer has caught up on us now, not too much money coming in, lots of checks owed but haven’t shown up in my mailbox. In 2 weeks time, all of these issues will be moot. I will have parents paying me for the fall, and more work then I think I can even handle.
But right now, this particular moment, it feels like there is no way out of this mess we’re in. I can’t find those coping skills that are buried within me. They are lost in the depths of this pain.
I think with all the year birthdays happening of all the babylost mamas out there, it reminds me that mine is looming up ahead. I feel it hovering, taunting me with each passing day. It’s adding to my anxiety and I’m not sure how to work through it right now.
The only thing I can think of, that may help, is to make an attempt at the Tuesday NY Times crossword puzzle and eat some lunch. And maybe, attempt another smoothie to cool me down.
Thinking of you today Sally and Simon and your beautiful Hope Angel. I’m so sorry you are not celebrating her first birthday today. You have been a great friend to me and so many others throughout this year and I feel blessed to know you. Sending you loads of love across the ocean.
I have been thinking a lot about some of my babylost mama friends these last few days. Monique, Sally, Aliza and Sarah have all gone through a horrific year and are remembering their beautiful babies birthdays this month. Please send them as much love as you can.
I could never have gotten through these last 11 months without you beautiful women.
I miss the innocence so much. Last night we skyped with a bunch of friends in SF who were having a birthday dinner party and it just made me long for those days again. Our 4 years in SF were filled with parties, friends, music, excursions, camping, and just plain fun. We were supposed to go out and visit last week, see some Phish shows, do some camping with the group up in Washington where Phish was playing. I wanted to go so badly. But we had to be responsible adults and cancel our trip b/c of work and money and all that bs. We knew it was the smart thing to do.
Hearing the stories afterwards- that part is hard. I wanted to be a part of it all- but it would never be the same for me, that I know. I don’t think I have it in me anymore to even be able to just let go and feel that carefree. I have a huge weight on my shoulders and a hole in my heart that any kind of fun cannot diminish. I think back to those days with a longing and still wonder how I got here.
We try, so hard we try, to just go out and have fun, live life, laugh and just fill that void however we need to do it. We took a city day this week. Hopped on the train and just explored NYC all day. It was a phenomenal day, we enjoyed the sites, sounds and the heat and especially each other. But even with days like that, necessary days like that, I just know something ain’t right.
With every moment of hope, there are equal moments of disappointment. It goes with the territory. Today is one of those days. I guess we have to just get back on that train, and continue to explore. It’s just so damn hard picking myself up after extreme disappointment time and time again. I knew it could happen. I prepared myself for the possibility. But the hope outweighed all that.
I want to take an eraser and just erase this last year of my life. I want to go back to that innocence where I believed it would all go smoothly and I’d have my baby boy in my arms like I dreamed for so long. Every passing day that takes me further away from Silas, fills me with dread. I am no closer to a baby today then I was yesterday, though I could have been.
We have a few more Phish shows this weekend which will help. We get to dance and be with friends and make attempts at fun. While the innocence is no longer there, the music definitely takes me places that I can’t control. It allows me to free my body and soul for a bit and just let in a little bit of what I lost.
I have this recurring tidal wave dream where it demolishes everything in sight but I always seem to be on higher ground, not being swept away. I always wake up terrified though- it’s always a very scary dream, one where I never really feel safe. The other morning, I had this dream where I was actually swimming in the ocean and there was this huge wave and I got really scared. I started swimming for dear life. I swam so hard, harder then I’ve ever swam in my life. And guess what? I made it through the wave to the other side. When I saw it crash on the shore and saw where I was, I was astounded. I thought to myself, “yeah, I did it!”
We’re finally in that overly hopeful place. We’ve succumbed to fertility drugs and I guess the medical intervention will give us what we need to make this thing happen already. There really is no other reason that they could see. Everyone wants to blame it on the stress, being scared, blah blah blah, but seriously, there are so many subsequent pregnancies happening right now to babylost parents and I know they are all going through what I am. So really, it is what it is.
The monthly torture we experience every time the stick doesn’t give us that answer we want has become part of the routine of our life. I’ve become accustomed to the disappointment. This month is different – I don’t feel quite so helpless anymore. I know there are people working with us and for us, helping us make this happen.
I’ve been trying not to focus on the future dates and times of all of what we’re going through. It’s hard to not notice anniversaries or even recognize the big one quickly approaching. All along, since probably October, I assumed I’d be pregnant by spring, no problem. Well, summer is almost over and I’m not. It has caused me more stress on top of the stress of not having my baby here with me. This uncertainty, before Silas’ looming birth/death date approaches, is scaring the shit out of me.
I’m working on that though. Back when we had birthdays, mother’s/father’s day and the tree planting, I was tortured about it all for weeks ahead of time. I know that worrying, the projections and all the expectations of what *should* be at a certain time were really just making me more crazy. It has caused me more grief and tons more pain.
Taking each day as it comes is my focus. It’s been my focus for a while now, I guess ever since beginning this whole fertility testing stuff. It has taken a huge weight off of my shoulders but could possibly lead to greater disappointment in the long run. I’m not putting all my eggs in this months basket (so to speak- ha!) but we are more hopeful then ever. I have even started taking my pre-natals again- sheesh. I can’t even believe it.
The extra hormones in my body are definitely causing me to have those emotional highs and lows for sure. But really, given what we’ve been through, I feel like I can handle all of it- the disappointment yet again, the queasy feeling in my stomach every day- I just don’t feel myself. But then I look at my life these past 10 1/2 months and I haven’t been myself for quite a while. I don’t even know what myself is anymore.
I had debated whether to write about the fertility stuff or just keep it private. I know there are a lot of people out there sharing every detail of their journey. That wasn’t really my plan. I wanted to share how I was getting through this grieving process. But now, almost a year later, it has become our focus. Hence, my own blog.
Obviously missing Silas is always part of it, but I also need this to go forward. I want to parent a living, breathing child more then anything in the whole world. It is a huge step to take, to acknowledge that Silas will never be with me physically. I want to begin to associate him with the joy in my life. And being pregnant with his sibling will bring me more joy (along with fear of course) then I can even imagine in my life right now.