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Congrats to my dear friends Sally & Simon who have been on this journey with us since the beginning. Little Angus was born this morning and everyone is doing great. Send some warm wishes their way!
The rain is not helping. I’m having one of those melancholy days where I just feel helpless & hopeless and nothing is making it better. It’s been a quiet day, taught a few classes but sat at my computer most of the day getting some much needed work done. It seems like I always have work to do to keep this business successful. I think it just takes me a lot longer these days to get shit done.
What happens is my mind wanders to what should have been, what could have been, what isn’t and I feel defeated. I can’t help it. I know I have lots of joy and good things going on. But deep down, I’m still sad & heart broken and I feel like there is no way to fix it.
All the yoga, therapy, exercise, tv & kitty snuggling won’t change a bit. When Chumby curls up in my arms in the morning, I love and hate it at the same time. I always think “this should be my baby, my little Silas.”
I try to snap out of it and accept the sweet smells and purrs of my snuggly kitty but it’s so damn hard. Most of the time I can take all the love she has for me and allow it to ease some of the pain. But not always.
I look at every child I teach these days, and think how badly I want one. How far it is from my reach.
We’re almost at 2 yrs since conceiving Silas. We are not anywhere closer then we were before. I feel even further from being a mom. Pretty much every babylost mama I met here in blogland who lost babies around the same time as me, is pregnant. Some, like Sally, are just about to have their 2nd baby. Their rainbow baby. I am thrilled for them, of course. More then anyone else really, these subsequent pregnancies give me hope too. But I feel like the last man standing and it’s really lonely over here.
These days I am feeling good physically- I’ve lost most of the weight, I’m feeling stronger then ever, and I’m making an effort. When I look deep within though, I still feel so broken. My therapist would disagree, she feels like I have come such a long way from when I started seeing her. But I feel stagnant. I go through the motions, day in and day out, doing what I am “supposed” to be doing – what a normal person does. But it is all a facade.
I am shattered and have no clue how to make it better. Chris and I cling to each other- all we have is each other in this and sometimes we feel like we’re drowning from the weight of it all. From having to go through each day, putting one foot in front of the other.
We decided to take a break from the fertility stuff. It was too much and very stressful. We’re going the natural route- acupuncture, herbs, and then hoping for the best. We’ll re-evaluate in the new year and see where that takes us. It feels like the right decision for us now, though I am tired of hoping.
Today is just one of those days. It’s cold and rainy, just like my mood. Luckily, tomorrow I have a girls night which is something that is sure to snap me right out of it.
For now though, I will wallow in it and hope that Chumby decides to come snuggle with me on the couch.
Sun, music, relaxing, dancing, partying, camping. It was the recharge we needed. Costumes were worn, a ferris wheel was ridden, time was spent with friends and new pregnancies were shared. There were emotional highs and lows and all the in betweens. I did alright, through all of it. Had a cranky few hours the first day, probably due to jet lag. Besides that, I was happy from the moment I woke up, til the moment I went to bed. I know that hasn’t happened at all in this last year. I loved every moment I was able to look around me and be surrounded by friends. I don’t have that here. We have friends who live all over NY, NJ and New England- but none close enough to hang with like we did in SF. We had a tribe there, a huge group that we spent a lot of time with.
Coming back East was to be with family and occasionally see our friends who live a few hours away. We knew no one in New Haven. 2 years later, we still don’t have many friends, but we’ve made a nice life for ourselves. I miss SF, but I’m ok here. I realized this past weekend that I missed the tribe though. The close connections that happen when you spend a lot of time with people. Our crew spans across the country and around the world. It is a special bunch and I’m proud to be a part of it.
I feel so lucky that I have so many great friends who took so much time to make sure we were okay all year. During the weekend, I never felt like I had this babylost mom identity. I felt like the old Lani and it was nice. My sadness was there, but I didn’t take it out much. I didn’t feel the need to. I felt like sharing in fun & laughter instead. A lot of them had not seen us since Silas died and needed to give us hugs. We had a lot of people who have been waiting a long time to hug us.
But I never felt like I had to talk about it. They all know, they read my blog, or we chat on gtalk or email or text. It was an escape and a really necessary one.
There were reminders though- don’t get me wrong. We camped with our friends and their year old son Sammy. The whole time we saw the empty spot in the pack ‘n play that should have been Silas. We also spent time with little Carly- our friends daughter who had the brain tumor. I felt like I needed to give Carly all the love I have inside me and it felt good. Our good friends Brad and Christa have been through a hellish year too and continue to need as much love and support as we all can spare. It felt great to be there with them. They needed our hugs as much as we needed theirs.
Getting back to my regular routine last week was hard. I was ready to come back to it, but I was definitely dragging my feet. I tried to carry that feeling I had when we were away with me as I worked all week. I think I did alright.
Today was a hard one. It was just one of those days. One that I have every month and I’m back to being sad, helpless and disappointed. I knew that the joy would wear off at some point and I’d go back to my normal self. I was hoping to keep it going a little longer but this feeling is inevitable. I’ve learned that in dealing with my grief, I need to experience it all, the highs, lows and in betweens. Though I’ve gotten so used to disappointment, now I’m almost a pro.
I was just hoping the high would have continued a bit longer. Today though, it came to a screeching halt. I knew the sadness would return, it was just waiting in the wings for the right time. It’s one of those days I guess. Even the warm, balmy weather didn’t make it better.
I’m in flip flops in November in CT, pretty amazing, but yet I’m still pissed off at the world today.