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So here we are, less then 3 weeks til my scheduled C-section. The date is November 18 and I couldn’t be more excited, anxious, scared, and ready.  I’m pretty much either feeling his movements or contractions almost all the time now. At my last visit, my doctor couldn’t feel the cervix and he’s not head down, so I’m definitely not ready yet. Though Chris believes I’m going to go into labor any moment!

I got my first non-stress test the other day and they had me hooked up for 2 hours monitoring my contractions.  It was a bit crazy, but  since they weren’t painful, they said it’s all good and sent me on my way. The ultrasound showed the little guy lying transverse (across my belly) sitting with his legs crossed. He’s already a yogi!! He must hear me when I tell the kids to sit criss cross applesauce- lol. He also has some hair which was fun to see as well. So far so good- enough fluid and the babe is perfect.

But, as we all know, things can go to shit anytime now so I am hanging on in a hopeful, optimistic state – assuming it will all go the way it’s supposed to. I know better but I need to believe it will. There is that part of me that is terrified it won’t, but I let those thoughts just pass in order to stay focused and happy.

We are on edge though, and thoughts of Silas come up way more often these days. I can’t help but think of my first born who isn’t here and how sad his loss still is for us. It’s just so present right now as we head to the final weeks of this pregnancy. I have actually been answering truthfully when people ask if it’s my first more often than not. It feels right these days. Chris wrote about that lie we live, which also has helped us these last 3 years just get through life without wearing our pain on our sleeves. But now, it just makes sense for me to let others know that no, this is not my first.  I went through a whole other pregnancy & delivery (naturally) and that yes, I’m having a c-section this time because of the complications the first time. I need to share that and I actually feel alright when I do. Otherwise I get into all kinds of weird conversations that are way more uncomfortable then the truth.

So even though we decided not to have baby stuff in the house, it started accumulating. It’s almost impossible not to!! People have given us things & sent us things so they are here. But I haven’t done anything with them except put them in a closet. I do have a changing table in the middle of our dining room with all kinds of stuff piled on top. But I’m ok with it. I plan on going up to my in-laws soon to see what they have of ours that was given to us for Silas. It is hard for me to wait- even though it seems like the smart thing to do. We aren’t setting up a room just yet, but I just need to make sure we have those few things we need at the beginning and it really is just a lot of fun to look through it all. I don’t want to deny myself of what everyone else gets to do before they have their baby. So I’m doing it a little. On one hand I want to protect myself but on the other hand, I feel like I need to be prepared. It’s a hard balance.

I finally finished up my teaching and I couldn’t be happier. I was so ready and can’t wait to relax. Though I am working really hard right now at my job with the food co-op that’s opening on Wednesday.  It’s been a bit nutty trying to juggle it all- the yoga, the coffee stuff,  the co-op, and all the doctor appointments.  But now that I’m done teaching I’ll have more of a focus on the other jobs. I have a lot to do at the market with all the events in the next two weeks, so I’m hoping the baby holds out so I can be there and help get it looking great. It’s been fun and rewarding and I am loving it. It will also be a job I can do from home in the time I’m taking off from teaching when I’m home with baby.

The next post will probably be the big news, but I felt like it was important to share where I’m at right now. Which is uncomfortable and ready!! I still can’t wrap my brain around the idea that I may have a real baby in my arms- but I’m working hard at getting there. And then hopefully once I fully believe it, it will have already happened.

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