This is a post that has been swirling around my head for weeks now. Time is a major factor now, choices have to be made when I have a few minutes of free time. Shower? Eat? Clean? Work? Chill? It’s amazing how all those things that seem important just aren’t when choices have to be made over what to do when I have 45 min to myself. But today, writing this post is most important.
The build up to Silas’ birth/death day has been looming since mid August. September has taken on a new meaning for us- the change of seasons just brings anxiety and sadness instead of excitement and relief. It has such a physical and emotional effect, we don’t even need to talk about it. Once it happens, we just give each other that knowing look. Yeah, it’s here again.
I’ve spent most of this month bringing Zephyr over to Silas’ tree. I have some beautiful pix of him sitting there, playing with sticks and leaves. This has been an important ritual for me after Zephyr plays on the swings. It’s been just something I do now. But it’s just so sad. No time passing will ever take away the woulda coulda shoulda’s. They are just as present today as they were Sept 26, 2008. 20 years from now, I will feel this loss as much as I feel it today. This I know.
Zephyr will never have his older brother and it breaks my heart. I am often just astounded that this happened to us. Especially when I look at what an amazing little creature Zephyr is. He is perfect in every way (even when he refuses to nap or wakes 4 times through the night!) and I think about how many of these traits his older brother would have had too. I sometimes think that Zeph has some little brother characteristics in him- like somehow he knew that’s what he was supposed to be. He is often fearless- diving off the bed or climbing on everything he sees. He is adventurous, chatty, funny, observant and super sweet. Don’t get me wrong, there are tantrums – this is a kid that knows what he wants. But he is just a delight and I wouldn’t want to spend my time with anyone else.
Tomorrow we will go plant some bulbs at the tree, because we need to honor our little Silas with some new life. Zephyr will never take the place of our first born. He brings complete and utter joy to our lives, but the hole in our hearts from the loss of our first will never be filled completely.
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September 24, 2012 at 3:31 pm
afteriris
Sending love as you remember Silas xx
September 24, 2012 at 4:12 pm
Dana
Such pain and love wrapped all together. You have touched my heart.
September 24, 2012 at 5:07 pm
Bon
when Oscar was Zephyr’s age, i remember thinking that he too had some of those classic second-child traits…and about the loss of birthright that comes with being the second-born eldest. you honour both boys beautifully here…thinking about Silas, sending love to all through these few days especially.
September 24, 2012 at 5:41 pm
Hope's Mama
We love you guys, Lani. We’ll never forget your beautiful first born son.
xo
September 24, 2012 at 6:15 pm
Reader
Beautiful.
September 24, 2012 at 7:57 pm
mom
that hole exists for all of us….there is not a day that goes by that i do not think of my first born grandson….his picture is on my wall and his spirit is in my heart….my little zeph is a joy beyond words …his birth turned up the dimmer switch that was barely lighting all our lives since losing our silas…
sept 25 is a day of sadness and always will be…
we love you lani …we love chris …we love our little zephyr…and we will always love silas and the boy he would have been
September 24, 2012 at 7:58 pm
Meredith
I thought of you guys this morning when I got up. I am so so sorry that sweet Silas is not with you. Sending love to you, Chris, and baby Zeph. It is hard having an empty seat at the table – our family knows from experience.
September 24, 2012 at 9:07 pm
Allison Gordon
Your sadness, love, joy, loss and gratitude all shine through in your beautiful words. Peace and love to you all…
September 24, 2012 at 9:39 pm
cathy
lani and chris, i have been thinking about all three of you and silas too. i didn’t know you when it happened but knowing you pregnant and as new parents wasn’t lost on me, the missing piece but ‘wild and alive’ zephyr as chris wrote as eloquently as you on glow in the woods. honesty about what you want from others at this time is not asking too much. we love you all.
cathy
September 24, 2012 at 11:21 pm
Brian
All my love to you guys! XOXO
September 25, 2012 at 8:19 am
Tina Berman
Sending you and Chris love and peace today. We will be thinking of Silas tonight as we look at the stars.
Love,
Tina & Jarrett
September 25, 2012 at 9:46 am
dilliebeans
Thinking of you, Chris, Zeph and sweet Silas today. I will speak his name, watch his star.
October 8, 2012 at 8:47 pm
loribeth
I love the photo — it says everything. Thinking of you & your family.
September 25, 2013 at 8:16 pm
kel24
Thinking of you Lani and Chris and your beautiful Silas today. My birthday was yesterday, I have been reading since you lost Silas and every year on my birthday I think of your sweet angel.
Sending love and prayers today.
May 18, 2014 at 5:21 pm
Inanna
Thinking of you and Silas today. And Zephyr – I hope he is an absolute joy. 🙂