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This is a post that has been swirling around my head for weeks now. Time is a major factor now, choices have to be made when I have a few minutes of free time. Shower? Eat? Clean? Work? Chill? It’s amazing how all those things that seem important just aren’t when choices have to be made over what to do when I have 45 min to myself. But today, writing this post is most important.
The build up to Silas’ birth/death day has been looming since mid August. September has taken on a new meaning for us- the change of seasons just brings anxiety and sadness instead of excitement and relief. It has such a physical and emotional effect, we don’t even need to talk about it. Once it happens, we just give each other that knowing look. Yeah, it’s here again.
I’ve spent most of this month bringing Zephyr over to Silas’ tree. I have some beautiful pix of him sitting there, playing with sticks and leaves. This has been an important ritual for me after Zephyr plays on the swings. It’s been just something I do now. But it’s just so sad. No time passing will ever take away the woulda coulda shoulda’s. They are just as present today as they were Sept 26, 2008. 20 years from now, I will feel this loss as much as I feel it today. This I know.
Zephyr will never have his older brother and it breaks my heart. I am often just astounded that this happened to us. Especially when I look at what an amazing little creature Zephyr is. He is perfect in every way (even when he refuses to nap or wakes 4 times through the night!) and I think about how many of these traits his older brother would have had too. I sometimes think that Zeph has some little brother characteristics in him- like somehow he knew that’s what he was supposed to be. He is often fearless- diving off the bed or climbing on everything he sees. He is adventurous, chatty, funny, observant and super sweet. Don’t get me wrong, there are tantrums – this is a kid that knows what he wants. But he is just a delight and I wouldn’t want to spend my time with anyone else.
Tomorrow we will go plant some bulbs at the tree, because we need to honor our little Silas with some new life. Zephyr will never take the place of our first born. He brings complete and utter joy to our lives, but the hole in our hearts from the loss of our first will never be filled completely.
I cannot believe it’s been almost 3 years since the birth and death of my first born son. Our lives would have been so different had we had a 3 year old running around here. I miss Silas, the promise of Silas, what could have been our amazing little boy. I feel cheated of his life and what these last 3 years could have been. Of course we made the best of it, in all the ways that we could. We have amazing people in our lives that are supportive and awesome which has helped. I write here often of all the things we do to make our lives full and fun, but a piece of our hearts will always be missing, despite what we try to do to find that happiness.
This year feels different now that I’m pregnant. Last year we were apart for this weekend. I was traveling out west and Chris was here at home. It was hard on both of us, and we promised not to let something like that happen again. With the beginning of Sept comes the natural anxiety. It brings us both instantly back to this time 3 years ago, waiting for our baby to be born. All the things we had to do to get ready, the weather changing and with it a change of seasons. It’s really strange how much our bodies just sense this timing and naturally react to it. This week in particular I’ve been overly emotional. Today I woke up just pissed. I didn’t feel like getting up, going to teach, and really doing much of anything. I still feel mopey and sad and knew that a blog post was important to help me get through it.
This last month has been emotional on so many levels. Chris definitely feels like he is powerless and thus needs to try to protect me as much as possible. I’m sure it’s hard for the guys to have to sit back and watch this unfold, without being able to control every move we make. I go about my day, teaching, driving, cooking, etc and just hope for the best. I hope that I don’t slip and fall, or get in a car accident, or do anything that could take away this precious life inside me. Chris watches me with bated breath, still wishing he could use that bubble wrap and keep me protected from harm until this little guy lands screaming in our arms. Since that is not practical, and yes, I have to live my life, we just try to work it out, communicate our fears and needs, and breathe that big sigh of relief that we got through another day.
We are close to picking our baby’s birthdate which feels awesome and weird at the same time. I had a Dr. appt today and a date is being requested, but they can’t schedule until 32 weeks, and I’m at almost 31. I can’t even believe sometimes how my whole perception of birth has changed since losing Silas. I am thrilled to be with doctors (though I love the 2 midwives in the group too), can’t wait to deliver in a hospital, and am truly looking forward to my scheduled c-section. I want a healthy, live, screaming baby and if this is how it’s done, I’m all for it.
So here we are, just patiently waiting for our first real live baby in our arms. I feel so close I can taste it, but man, 8 more weeks! arghhh!! I’m so ready for this. Every single day, I look at my belly and give thanks. I still cannot believe it- that I am really pregnant, and that it’s almost time to deliver this miracle child. With all the fertility treatments we went through, I feel like this babe inside me is truly a ray of sunshine that we worked so hard for. Every little kick reminds me of that, every day.
Despite all that, I do complain sometimes, even though I said I wouldn’t! Pregnancy is hard on my body- I tire easily, my feet get swollen, I’m uncomfortable as can be, I sleep poorly. Chris is quick to remind me how much we wanted this, but sometimes I can’t help myself!! I am truly thrilled, of course, but I am ready though. This baby feels like 4 years in the making- which is a hell of a long time to wait for a baby.
The hardest part though lately has been answering the question-
“Is this your first?”
It happens up to 5 times a day. Most of the time I say yes, just to make it easier on all of us. But I feel terrible about it every single time. In some ways I want everyone to know about Silas, but I know it’s just not appropriate to share what happened sometimes. I don’t think it will ever be easy, regardless of how I answer. It’s always followed up with a truly uncomfortable conversation that I really don’t want to have.
To get through this tough weekend, we made sure to make awesome plans. We are going to NYC and walking the Highline, meeting up with friends, seeing Wilco at Summerstage in Central Park, staying with my brother and sis in law who have all kinds of fun planned for us all weekend. The anticipation leading up is always harder then the actual day. That seems to be true each year. Maybe somehow my body knows though, that even though Sept 25 was the day I gave birth, it was a Thursday, so today was really the day it all went down. I just want to be sad and melancholy today, it just feels right.
As always, thank you for all your support, those who read, and those who read and comment. I am not much of a blog reader these days, but I truly appreciate that there are so many of you who still read and comment and follow our story. I may find myself writing more and more as the time gets closer to baby, and as the anxiety & excitement increases.
So please light a candle for our little Silas Orion on Sunday, look up to his stars, and give your kids a hug for us. xo
Though I don’t write much anymore, I do feel it is appropriate to write up a little something to honor my sweet little Silas who is not here with us as we approach the 2nd anniversary of his birth/death.
I have been traveling around the west coast these last few weeks, celebrating bachelorette parties & weddings and just hanging out in SF right now for the week. My sister’s wedding is in Colorado next week so it just seemed to make more sense to just stay out here rather then go back and forth for each of the weddings. So now I am here and Chris is there and we will not be together tomorrow.
This has been a wonderful week for me filled with friends & fun, but it has been a real challenging one for Chris who had to say goodbye to me last Sunday after our amazing Sonoma wedding weekend. He has had to work and deal with all the regular daily life annoyances. Without me there by his side, it has been quite challenging and emotionally charged.
I decided to hold a kids yoga teacher training this weekend in Berkeley- I thought that working (while having to be away from Chris) would be the only way to get through it. We’ll see. I’m doing alright so far, but these last 2 days have been harder then I’d hoped.
As I reflect on the turns my life has taken these last 2 years, I do realize how far I’ve come from that traumatic time. I still have that little place in my heart that is broken and probably always will be, but I also have found ways to experience joy, love, laughter, friends, music, food and all the good things that life also offers. I cherish my relationships and I try to be an extra good friend back. I know what it feels like to want something so badly it hurts, and because of that, when I get it, it will be that much sweeter. That I know.
There is a calm surrounding me right now. I’ve worked hard to get to this place. New pregnancies and babies still hurt deeply because jealousy is a normal human emotion that plays a big part in my world. But I’ve learned to deal with it head on, and because of that, I can hold my friends babies and hang with my pregnant friends and still be ok. I can’t let what happened to me take away my happiness for others, even when the jealousy seeps in. It’s a daily struggle, but one where I feel like I am winning more often then not.
As always, I have to thank you all for holding us up and holding us near. It is what gets us through.
So tomorrow, on Sept 25, please look up into the sky and think of our beautiful little boy Silas Orion. Maybe light a candle, or honor him in your own special way, but definitely give all your kids some extra love for us.
We made it. We’re over the hump. We felt the love pouring in from all over the world, through texts, comments, emails & phone calls. It was pretty spectacular and it helped us, honest to goodness. Knowing how many people were out there thinking about us and Silas made us feel very special. So thank you everyone. Your love was powerful and it kept us smiling & laughing all weekend. It is hard to be sad when there is SO much love being thrown at you.
We saved the sadness for the ride home from New Hampshire. It was long, rainy and depressing. We kind of needed it to be though. It was the hardest of the 3 days by a landslide. Friday was a gorgeous day, we drove up in all the leave changing glory. It was a perfect New England fall day. We were able to relax and let go and put the stresses of our lives on hold for a bit. It was a needed respite from all that is weighing on us.
But get this: Last week I was driving home from teaching at a new school in Chris’ car, the Matrix, because the mini-van our friends gave us was not registered yet. I was stopped at a light and out of nowhere this young guy rear-ended me so hard– hard enough that he actually totaled the car.
I was ok (again) but SO mad. I was freaking out. I must have looked like a lunatic, but seriously, another car accident? I totaled 2 cars in 3 weeks? Seriously? On top of the anxiety of the upcoming anniversary date, this really was the icing on the cake. Where was my guardian angel Silas who was supposed to be looking out for me?
I told the guy & his dad that while I do understand it was an accident and he didn’t hit me on purpose, his timing was really bad and he was pretty much ruining my life at that moment. He sheepishly looked at me and apologized, not much else to say really. Then I had to take a cab home. Yeah, it was so pathetic.
So we went from 2 cars we both loved, to zero cars in a matter of weeks. Yes, they are material possessions that we need to not be attached to. But I am tired of loss. It’s like loss, piled on loss, piled on loss.
Today is Yom Kippur, the day of Atonement for us Jews. I barely acknowledged it, and have only given it a little thought. I made us matzah ball soup last night for dinner- that was the extent of it. I want to think of these 2 important Jewish holidays as a letting go- of this horrible year that decided to milk itself til the bitter end.
Somehow I still have hope that we will grow a sibling for Silas, that the car stuff will no longer be the focus point in our lives, that our businesses will continue to thrive, and that we will find as much joy as we possibly can in this new year ahead. I do have hope for that. It’s just hard to see that when everything seems like it is working against me. I feel completely beat down.
But I am taking the power of the love we felt, and I will use it to forge a new path that will keep me feeling that goodness awaits us. Because godammit, we friggin’ deserve it already.
There is this humongous fly that is buzzing around me as I write this. I keep trying to get it with a rolled up magazine and I keep missing it. I swear it’s like how I’m feeling right now. As though happiness could be within my grasp but I keep missing it. It slows down, lands, and then *poof* it’s gone again. It’s unsettling. As much as I LOVE summer, I am looking forward to saying goodbye to the flies that are a constant as the chilly mornings & evenings have arrived.
But I feel like I’m constantly cleaning. I am not sure how 2 people can create that much mess, but it seems true. Then I think about how it would be cleaning up with 3 of us and really that is what I want. I’ve made a promise to myself that I won’t ever complain about it, ever. Well, maybe not ever, but it is amazing how much bargaining you do with yourself when things feel so out of your grasp. I guess I just need to be busy doing all the things I can control. The cleaning, cooking, gardening, working, exercising- it’s what I do to keep busy and occupy my mind from getting the best of me. My mind is always getting the best, though, especially this week.
Because this is the week, that fateful week a year ago where it was all uncertain. I read back to Chris’ posts from this time last year and it is so heartbreakingly hopeful.
Surprisingly, for now, I am doing ok. Today was an alright day- we seem to have them sometimes. The sun was shining and we sold tons of coffee. But I am ready to be over the hump. I want the other side of this. I told a friend today how I’ve already felt the worst in my life, and that this week can’t possibly be any more awful than I have already felt this year.
We’ll get through it, I guess, with the help of friends & family and each other, since there is no other choice. I know how busy this week will be so hopefully it will be over before I know it.
As always, we appreciate the love being showered on us right now. It’s amazing how anniversaries do that. I am planning on going to Silas’ tree and planting some bulbs that will bloom in the spring. That is something I can do to honor my baby boy. There will be other things, too, that we do, but I’m just not sure what they are right now. We’ve never done this before.
I do want to remember my baby this week with some of the only memories I have with him. I need to look at these pix sometimes to remember how it felt, to just remember the only time I had with Silas. Our time with him alive was fleeting and has faded too much from my memory for my liking. I had plenty of time with him inside me so those memories are what I have to cherish. It is all I’ve got.