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This is a post that has been swirling around my head for weeks now. Time is a major factor now, choices have to be made when I have a few minutes of free time. Shower? Eat? Clean? Work? Chill? It’s amazing how all those things that seem important just aren’t when choices have to be made over what to do when I have 45 min to myself. But today, writing this post is most important.
The build up to Silas’ birth/death day has been looming since mid August. September has taken on a new meaning for us- the change of seasons just brings anxiety and sadness instead of excitement and relief. It has such a physical and emotional effect, we don’t even need to talk about it. Once it happens, we just give each other that knowing look. Yeah, it’s here again.
I’ve spent most of this month bringing Zephyr over to Silas’ tree. I have some beautiful pix of him sitting there, playing with sticks and leaves. This has been an important ritual for me after Zephyr plays on the swings. It’s been just something I do now. But it’s just so sad. No time passing will ever take away the woulda coulda shoulda’s. They are just as present today as they were Sept 26, 2008. 20 years from now, I will feel this loss as much as I feel it today. This I know.
Zephyr will never have his older brother and it breaks my heart. I am often just astounded that this happened to us. Especially when I look at what an amazing little creature Zephyr is. He is perfect in every way (even when he refuses to nap or wakes 4 times through the night!) and I think about how many of these traits his older brother would have had too. I sometimes think that Zeph has some little brother characteristics in him- like somehow he knew that’s what he was supposed to be. He is often fearless- diving off the bed or climbing on everything he sees. He is adventurous, chatty, funny, observant and super sweet. Don’t get me wrong, there are tantrums – this is a kid that knows what he wants. But he is just a delight and I wouldn’t want to spend my time with anyone else.
Tomorrow we will go plant some bulbs at the tree, because we need to honor our little Silas with some new life. Zephyr will never take the place of our first born. He brings complete and utter joy to our lives, but the hole in our hearts from the loss of our first will never be filled completely.
I had a recent request for an update and I’ve been meaning to do that so here it is! I just love love love being a mom. Zephyr is really the sweetest, most awesome baby. He amazes us every day- I just can’t get over how lucky we really are. I am overwhelmed for sure, back to work, taking care of Zeph, dealing with life in general. But that awfulness we have felt for the last 3 years has melted with this new light in our lives. I think about Silas almost every day- his name is on the tip of my tongue when I say Zephyr’s name. He is missed and should be here but Zeph just makes it all feel so much better. We didn’t know it could be possible, but it’s true.
Some moments I feel like I’ve been a mom forever and then I think, holy shit, he’s only 12 weeks. How is that possible this amazing little guy has only been with us for 12 weeks? He fills me up so completely. These last 2 weeks I started easing my way back to teaching. It’s been a tough transition but it’s also not a full time thing. I can leave for a few hours in the morning and leave Zeph with Chris and then I’m home by noon. Most of the time Zeph is napping so he barely even knows I’m gone.
I had a few issues with breastfeeding at the beginning, but pushed through and it has been going really well since then. I worked with a group of pediatricians who are breastfeeding specialists and they helped me through those tough weeks. We had to supplement a little because he wasn’t gaining enough weight – and at the time, it was awful for me. Now I look at it and it was a blip- it was only about 10 days and he was back to just breastfeeding so fast! It really was just what he and I needed to make the breastfeeding work. He took the bottle pretty easily back then, but since we very rarely had to give him a bottle after that, he doesn’t seem to want it now. This could end up being a problem, but we’ll keep trying. Any advice on that is greatly appreciated! Now he is so pudgy and healthy I can’t even believe he was that scrawny little thing at the beginning.
I took a yoga class the other day for the first time since I was pregnant. It was awesome and felt great- though there were body parts that haven’t stretched like that in a really long time and they were not so happy. I’ve been nervous to start exercising again- I guess having the endlessly sore and full boobs makes it a little scary. And because it’s been so long. But yoga is the perfect way to ease my body back into exercise, then I’ll push it a little harder little by little. I brought him with me to meet everyone and had someone watch him at the studio while I took my class. Of course I heard him screaming right before sivasana so I left the class early- I couldn’t handle it! Definitely the last time I bring him there like that, it was too hard to let go.
It really is all such a balancing act! Taking care of him and making sure to take care of myself (not to mention Chris and the 3 kitties!) But Chris and I have been working like a team an it makes a huge difference. We pick up the slack for each other, even during the time I was at home all day and he was working. There were days I felt like I didn’t get off the couch for hours!! I’m definitely not a napping kind of person so while Zeph would sleep, I cleaned and did stuff that needed to get done. It has worked for us so far. I get a good nights sleep most nights b/c Zeph sleeps with me. It just seems to work for us and we both wake up in the morning feeling well rested. Chris is sleeping in another room for now and hopefully once Z sleeps through the night he’ll be back. Now we start him in this sleeper-rocker thing that he loves and in the middle of the night he stays with me after I nurse him. I love waking up with this little body next to me in my arms. It is the best feeling in the world.
I will leave this with a few of my favorite Zeph pix from the last 3 months…