The kicks and flutters are a constant now. It is so reassuring at 23 weeks that this little boy (yes, another boy!) growing inside me is active and healthy. I’ve had many tests and ultrasounds in this pregnancy, way more then in my first one with Silas. I think the combination of the IVF, my age and what happened the first time, has dramatically changed the way this pregnancy has been approached- by doctors and by us.
I also find myself comparing the 2 pregnancies often- because that’s what we do. Different but similar aches and pains, the familiar flutters, the swollen feet and ankles, the need to stay fed and hydrated, to be well rested but still active and the never-ending amazement that I can really grow a baby inside my own body. I really still can’t believe it sometimes! I truly feel lucky that I get to be here, a place I’ve been dreaming of for so long in my life.
The doctor/midwife group we chose this time around is just different. It is a more clinical setting, but the warmth is there and the care is impeccable. Some visits have been 5 min long- while others I spend at least 30 getting my questions answered. They are on top of it, making sure that every need we have is met. I even got a call today randomly from one of the midwives, just to see how I was doing. She asked how all the doctors have been, if we’ve been happy with our care. She even asked if they were pronouncing my name correctly! So great. I feel like we are in good hands and very hopeful that this little guy inside me will end up in my arms screaming and healthy.
But as all of us in this community know, nothing is definite and things can go wrong, up to the very last minute. I’m still feeling pretty hesitant that this pregnancy can really end with a live baby. I won’t keep anything for him in this apt until he is alive & kicking. What do we really need? I don’t feel the pressure to set up a baby room (we actually didn’t do this last time either), or have clothes or diapers or anything here until it happens. All the stuff given to us last time is safe and secure at my inlaws. I am confident that when we need it, it will be brought to our home, ready and waiting for us. I refuse to register and really have a hard time even going to that place of decision making. What stroller, bassinet, car seat do we want? Beats me. I checked out what some of my friends have, asked a few questions, but don’t feel like it’s necessary to go there quite yet. I know, I know, a week before I deliver, I’m sure I’ll feel frantic if I don’t have this stuff, but for now, I just want to get through each day. I have lots of people who want to know what I’m going to do about work, daycare, etc. I am not planning a thing. I have some ideas and I know I want to take off some time, but to actually plan what we’re going to do after that is just not going to happen. I planned last time, and then had to take it all back. It was brutal. It just feels better to leave it out there and we’ll figure it out when the time comes.
I’m way more tired this time around. I think being 40 and pregnant is really hard work! I wish I could exercise more, but it’s so hot on the east coast and so hard to get motivated to even take a walk! I am still teaching the kids yoga and am pretty much using it as my form of exercise right now. Every downdog feels heavenly, but my body definitely doesn’t move the way it’s used to! That I remember explicitly from last time. That crazy feeling of not being able to bend and stretch like I am normally capable of.
I know my sister does not want a big announcement made (sorry J), but her pregnancy, only 7 weeks behind me, is so very exciting in my family. My parents are beyond thrilled and daily texts from my mom are not unusual.
“How are my girls feeling today??”
It’s so amazing to see my parents so happy. They have struggled to deal with the grief and loss of their first and only grandson while staying hopeful that their 3 kids in their late 30’s will procreate sooner rather then later. They have to listen to all their friends who only want to talk about grandkids. So now that both of their daughters are preggers, it is a really happy time in the Rosen family. When I start to think about the thought of “What if that IVF cycle didn’t work?” I get a feeling over my body that is so horrific, I don’t even want to go there. It happened and it’s all good. But it is still so hard to even believe sometimes.
We just got back from a fantastic trip out west for a good friends wedding in Lake Tahoe. So beautiful and so much fun. Of course we also stayed a few days in SF- bar hopping, coffee tasting, seeing friends, eating burritos and just enjoying ourselves immensely. Meeting new babies (me with gifts in hand finally!) and seeing pregnant friends, all with a huge smile on my face and excitement for them that was real.
As always, the love and support we get from our friends & family, and those of you who read my words have kept me going. So I just want to say thanks.
15 comments
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July 29, 2011 at 7:48 pm
sarah
I could’ve written so much of this post myself – we’re in pretty similar spots these days. No plans to set anything up in our house, no need to figure out diapers or clothes or accessories right now, I figure we can cross all those bridges if we find out that this baby gets to come home with us. We had adequate supplies for Otis, so I figure they’re all still around and still adequate, and just packed up in storage at the moment…I mean what do we need, really, other than a screaming healthy baby?
Sending you love and light for a healthy, calm, joyous rest of your pregnancy.
July 29, 2011 at 10:31 pm
Sharon Green Long
So thrilled to hear things are progressing well. I don’t comment usually but I was was wondering how you were. and wanted you to know that I am praying for you as well.
July 30, 2011 at 7:27 am
Sally
Love to you, Lani. You guys and baby boy number two are never far from my thoughts.
xo
July 30, 2011 at 10:56 am
Meredith
Sending you and Chris love Lani! I’m so glad you got to spend time in SF and Lake Tahoe! That’s awesome too that you and your sister are both pregnant–it would be wonderful for your babies to grow up super close. Hope you can rest and stay cool…thinking of you, Chris, Silas, and the baby.
July 30, 2011 at 7:33 pm
Tammy
I don’t often comment, but have been wondering how you were doing. I’m so glad to hear all is well and that you are happy.
August 2, 2011 at 1:17 pm
clara
I check here all the time & am so happy to see your update! With my subsequent kids after loss I also didn’t get ready for them at all. Its different in our culture, but many parts of the world there is no celebrating the baby or preparing much at all until they arrive. The good news is you need very little in the first few weeks. My dh ran out & bought a car seat while I was in the hospital with the newborn once. He just picked what was safe 🙂 I wish you the best with the next few months & as little stress as possible.
August 2, 2011 at 1:49 pm
Kristina
So good to hear you are feeling well! 🙂 I’ve been enjoying seeing your belly grow so far. Thanks for the great update! Sending love to you, chris, silas, and baby boy.
August 3, 2011 at 4:52 pm
statia
Glad to hear things are going well. I hope it stays that way. Stay rested, Mama.
August 4, 2011 at 3:33 pm
Gail M.
I first read about your dear little Silas when I was searching for the Elm City Quilt Guild last spring, and happened upon the Elm City Dad blog. My heart broke when I read. I’m so glad you are progressing well….. I’m a Grandmother to 6. Three of them are IVF triplets. Imagine the complications to that pregnancy. We were all scared and thrilled at the same time. The babies came at 30 weeks but all were healthy and are now 9 years old.
When you mention your mother, I can just imagine her joy, with two grandbabies on the way. Now that my grandchildren are getting a little older I hold “Grammie Camp” annually in mid-August and I get all my grandkids to myself. Well myself, and my sister… who is expecting her first grandchild around halloween.
Best of luck and just know that my prayers are with you, your hubby and your dear babies.
I
August 15, 2011 at 10:32 am
Monique
So glad you’re feeling good and are in good hands. I found that so important, knowing that my Doctor had my back and would do anything I asked to reassure me. And don’t worry about the stuff, it’ll happen, family is amazing. I was the same way and didn’t want any baby stuff in my home beforehand and somehow, when we can home everything was there, washed and ready. People want to help and it is something tangible they can do so don’t worry about that too much. Sending much love. xoxo
August 19, 2011 at 8:52 pm
aliza
so good to read your words lani
wished we could have hung out in sf
just so happy things are going well and that silas’s brother is growing big and strong
sending you love
xoxo
August 30, 2011 at 1:34 pm
megan Snow
Megan
I wish so much there was a way i could contact you. My little boy named Titus died may 17,2011 during a home birth due to shoulder dystocia. Every thing you write about, the emt’s the hospital…It is all my story and my husbands and our sons. I grew up in Connecticut but married and moved to arkansas. Thankyou for your post, it tells me everyday I’m not alone. My e-mail is bristowsnow@hotmail.com. If you were to e-mail me i would greatly appreciate that. Praying for our broken hearts to heal.
September 7, 2011 at 8:10 am
Heather
Thinking of you as Silas’ birthday approaches.
September 14, 2011 at 8:20 pm
brianna
I only started getting stuff ready for my daughter when I was something like 36 weeks pregnant. She is a month old and her room still isn’t quite finished. People kept asking me why we hadn’t gotten anything ready and I would just reply that the only thing a baby needs is a car seat to get home from the hospital, diapers, a place to sleep, and me. I often left out the part of the reply that indicated I wasn’t so sure that this baby was coming home so I wasn’t about to start padding our lives with things that would imply that she would be coming home with us. I just wasn’t ready to get my hopes up for that. But she did come home and I learned that amazingly wonderful things can really happen even after something terrible.
Hoping for your own very own amazingly wonderful thing in the safe arrival of Silas’ little brother.
September 18, 2011 at 12:25 pm
lesliedp
Hey sweet Lani.. I know you through glow and through Chris’ writing there an on his blog. Sarah suggested I contact you because we have now begun the process of IVF after losing our 4th child, Cullen a year ago September 11th.
I am linking this comment to my blog which explains everything, and just wanted to see if I can ask you some questions I have about IVF in general..
there is a contact me page on my blog that goes straight to email so let me know if you would be willing to help me out as I navigate these waters..
much light to you and remembering Silas’ story…
Leslie