it’s all about control

Making plans is the worst these days. As I look at dates to schedule things, my mind constantly goes to “well, I could be 3 months or 5 months or 6 months pregnant then so…..”

It makes living in the present almost impossible. But I have to make future plans- trips we are taking, weddings, teacher trainings I will be giving, work plans for the summer.  There are all kinds of things happening that I need to make plans for, but when the possibility of pregnancy enters the equation, things can get pretty complicated.  It takes me to places I know are not healthy and really just fucks me up completely. I have been patient. So so patient. I am losing patience. I am nearing the end of this extremely long IVF cycle and yet I am about to lose my mind.

The thing is, I have been doing this to myself for the last year and a half. Making these future plans, with always the thought in my mind of being pregnant. But now since we are doing IVF, it makes it that much more plausible.  The success rate is way higher and all I hear these days is about so and so who got pregnant through IVF.  Which then gets my hopes up, which I don’t want to do. But it’s so damn hard.

I know the meds are the culprit right now. I have become super emotional and weepy and can’t seem to hold it together. Working is a challenge, though it is keeping me busy and distracted. Relaxing when I’m told to relax is nearly impossible. I spent the weekend trying to take it easy, but I found myself too antsy to do it. I read a lot, but I also felt the uncontrollable urge to keep straightening up the apt, or working in the garden, or just doing things other then relaxing.

It’s all so confusing. I have to stay hopeful, but if this first go at IVF doesn’t work, I’m not sure I will handle it very well. It’s a very long and tedious process. It’s expensive (even with all the awesome coverage), the meds are extremely hard on my body and mental state, and it’s just plain hard.

We’ve gotten through the bulk of it. The waiting game? I’m over it. I’ve been through this waiting period time and time again and I keep thinking that every move I make could be the thing that causes it not to work.  The other day I pretty much convinced myself I injected the wrong medication.  It’s like if it doesn’t work again, I have to have something to blame.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have dug those holes to plant my Brussels sprouts”  or

“I shouldn’t be teaching all these kids yoga classes right now” or

“Am I eating the right foods? Not enough water? Too much salt? or

“Why can’t I let the apt get a little messy?”

But if I don’t plant my seedlings, or teach my yoga classes or let the apt get messy, I give up that control and I need to have control of something. Because right now, I don’t seem to have control over whether this will work or not.

It’s all about the control isn’t it?