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I am going on what will be a fantastic retreat with a bunch of babylost mamas who I have not met yet. It is going to be in Ocean City, NJ the weekend of Nov 20-22. I am really looking forward to this! We do have room for a few more beautiful women – if you are interested and want to know all the deets- check out Angie’s blog.

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We made it. We’re over the hump. We felt the love pouring in from all over the world, through texts, comments, emails & phone calls. It was pretty spectacular and it helped us, honest to goodness. Knowing how many people were out there thinking about us and Silas made us feel very special. So thank you everyone.  Your love was powerful and it kept us smiling & laughing all weekend. It is hard to be sad when there is SO much love being thrown at you.

We saved the sadness for the ride home from New Hampshire. It was long, rainy and depressing. We kind of needed it to be though.  It was the hardest of the 3 days by a landslide. Friday was a gorgeous day, we drove up in all the leave changing glory. It was a perfect New England fall day. We were able to relax and let go and put the stresses of our lives on hold for a bit. It was a needed respite from all that is weighing on us.

But get this:  Last week I was driving home from teaching at a new school in Chris’ car, the Matrix, because the mini-van our friends gave us was not registered yet.  I was stopped at a light and out of nowhere this young guy rear-ended me so hard– hard enough that he actually totaled the car.

I was ok (again) but SO mad. I was freaking out. I must have looked like a lunatic, but seriously, another car accident? I totaled 2 cars in 3 weeks? Seriously? On top of the anxiety of the upcoming anniversary date, this really was the icing on the cake. Where was my guardian angel Silas who was supposed to be looking out for me?

I told the guy & his dad that while I do understand it was an accident and he didn’t hit me on purpose, his timing was really bad and he was pretty much ruining my life at that moment. He sheepishly looked at me and apologized, not much else to say really. Then I had to take a cab home. Yeah, it was so pathetic.

So we went from 2 cars we both loved, to zero cars in a matter of weeks.  Yes, they are material possessions that we need to not be attached to. But I am tired of loss. It’s like loss, piled on loss, piled on loss.

Today is Yom Kippur, the day of Atonement for us Jews. I barely acknowledged it, and have only given it a little thought. I made us matzah ball soup last night for dinner- that was the extent of it. I want to think of these 2 important Jewish holidays as a letting go- of this horrible year that decided to milk itself til the bitter end.

Somehow I still have hope that we will grow a sibling for Silas, that the car stuff will no longer be the focus point in our lives, that our businesses will continue to thrive, and that we will find as much joy as we possibly can in this new year ahead. I do have hope for that. It’s just hard to see that when everything seems like it is working against me. I feel completely beat down.

But I am taking the power of the love we felt, and I will use it to forge a new path that will keep me feeling that goodness awaits us. Because godammit, we friggin’ deserve it already.

There is this humongous fly that is buzzing around me as I write this. I keep trying to get it with a rolled up magazine and I keep missing it. I swear it’s like how I’m feeling right now. As though happiness could be within my grasp but I keep missing it. It slows down, lands, and then *poof* it’s gone again. It’s unsettling. As much as I LOVE summer, I am looking forward to saying goodbye to the flies that are a constant as the chilly mornings & evenings have arrived.

But I feel like I’m constantly cleaning. I am not sure how 2 people can create that much mess, but it seems true. Then I think about how it would be cleaning up with 3 of us and really that is what I want. I’ve made a promise to myself that I won’t ever complain about it, ever. Well, maybe not ever, but it is amazing how much bargaining you do with yourself when things feel so out of your grasp.  I guess I just need to be busy doing all the things I can control. The cleaning, cooking, gardening, working, exercising- it’s what I do to keep busy and occupy my mind from getting the best of me.  My mind is always getting the best, though, especially this week.

Because this is the week, that fateful week a year ago where it was all uncertain. I read back to Chris’ posts from this time last year and it is so heartbreakingly hopeful.

Surprisingly, for now, I am doing ok. Today was an alright day- we seem to have them sometimes.  The sun was shining and we sold tons of coffee. But I am ready to be over the hump. I want the other side of this. I told a friend today how I’ve already felt the worst in my life, and that this week can’t possibly be any more awful than I have already felt this year.

We’ll get through it, I guess, with the help of friends & family and each other, since there is no other choice. I know how busy this week will be so hopefully it will be over before I know it.

As always, we appreciate the love being showered on us right now. It’s amazing how anniversaries do that. I am planning on going to Silas’ tree and planting some bulbs that will bloom in the spring. That is something I can do to honor my baby boy.  There will be other things, too, that we do, but I’m just not sure what they are right now.  We’ve never done this before.

I do want to remember my baby this week with some of the only memories I have with him. I need to look at these pix sometimes to remember how it felt, to just remember the only time I had with Silas. Our time with him alive was fleeting and has faded too much from my memory for my liking. I had plenty of time with him inside me so those memories are what I have to cherish. It is all I’ve got.

We are coming upon a year since the loss of our beautiful baby and almost everything is a painful reminder of what we don’t have. Jeez, a year? How on earth did that happen? I had so many plans for myself, of what I thought would be by now.  I never lost that weight, I’m still not pregnant and yeah, I still don’t have my baby. It’s still unfathomable to me even after all this time has passed. I’m not sure how that is possible- with all the therapy and tears, why am I still in disbelief?

Yesterday Chris said “you’re in disbelief, that you are still in disbelief?”

I had to laugh at that one. That was after we both had ourselves a good cry as we headed up to the farmer’s market yesterday. My memories of the markets at the end of my pregnancy are still so vivid. Especially the waddling back and forth to and from the port-o-potty. And of course the constant questions about my belly.

“Is this your first?” yes.

“Is it a boy or a girl?” we don’t know.

“how much longer?” any day now.

I loved it though. I loved talking about it- as uncomfortable as I was, I loved the attention. I felt amazing to be growing this baby- this big baby inside me. I knew that my world would change any day and I was excited.

I see pregnant women and cringe, knowing they get those constant questions, knowing that I’ll get them again one day and my answers will require too much thought.

I ignore the new babies and big bellies and it still feels so awful. A year later and I still can’t handle it. My jealousy of pregnancies and babies is raging and there is no way to stop it. I had no idea how I would be a year later after this horrible mess, but I definitely assumed I’d be pregnant and that would help.

Chris said to me this weekend that he feels that this was Silas’ year.  That maybe we didn’t have room for a new baby just yet, that we needed to focus our love on him. I want to see it that way. But it doesn’t make any of it any better really. It seems like we are always trying to talk ourselves into feeling better somehow- I don’t know how we haven’t cracked yet. Maybe it’s because we’re always so busy.

We’ve both had a lot going on with work and we’re still ironing out the car situation now that I no longer have mine. I’m borrowing one from a friend for a few days and we were given one (that is being checked out by our mechanic) by other amazing friends. Everyone is still looking out for us- but sometimes it makes me so uncomfortable. We have had to take so much this year and it gets hard to do after a while. I want to give so much back, to everyone, but I have nothing in me. I give it to my yoga kids and Chris but that’s all I have.

We’re planning on going to New Hampshire to spend Silas’ day with his peach tree. We just can’t imagine being home. A few days with family, hiking and rockband should help ease some of the pain.

In the meantime, I’m just going to continue thinking about Silas and my disbelief, because even a year later I don’t think I want to accept it just yet.

I am torn between feeling lucky or unlucky these days.

Last weekend I got in a car accident.  Somehow I’ve become more focused on the car, then the fact that I’m so damn lucky to be alive after spinning across Rte 91. It was one of those moments where your life flashes in front of you and you have no idea how it will end. As my car spun out of control, I had time to think-

“I could die right now.”

It’s really as scary as it gets. I didn’t hurt anyone else, didn’t hit another car, and walked away without a scratch. It really is amazing. Yet here I am, focusing on this material possession. This thing that means nothing, it is just a car.

But there is more to it then that. I just feel bogged down by all that is occurring in my world right now- Silas’ looming b-day, getting pregnant, money, work, a babylost mom losing another baby,  it’s all just one big headache. I swear my head feels like it’s about to explode sometimes.

Then I get in this car accident and nearly total my car, which now costs too much to fix, and leaves me just feeling so helpless. Chris is so right on when he says that all this other stuff we can do something about, the money, the car, work, even getting pregnant (to some degree).

We cannot bring Silas back. This we can’t fix. He will forever be a force in our life, but not a body. The further out we get, the further away I feel from the whole experience. I look at the picture of him, and still can’t believe he is and was mine. But lately I’m not thinking about it as much. Which obviously is hard for me to be ok with also.

I have been focused on getting pregnant and now, on the whole car thing. We’ve had to re-arrange our schedules this last week  in order to get both of us to work, and now we’re doing the same this coming week. Living in the ‘burbs, it’s a total pain in the ass. We both need cars for our jobs and sharing one is a hassle. I hate to complain about it, but I feel like it’s the last thing we both need right now. And I loved my car.

I spent so much time crying last week. I think I cried like 4-5 times a day! That’s pretty insane. All because I crashed my car? I’m not sure. I think it became that final straw for me, like “how can this happen now?” and also, because I have no one else to blame for this. No one hit me, I got scared by a spider and lost control. It was all on me.

I still carry some of the guilt and blame of the loss of Silas. I have shed most of it, but I think there will always be a piece of that with me forever. And while I know a car accident is just that, an accident, I see it as another thing I screwed up.

I cannot compare, obviously the loss of a car is a minor one in life, just like glass. You can’t get attached. I swear I break at least one glass a month. But somehow, the timing of this seems so huge to me. It feels like all these little things have become just one big ball of crap that paralyzes me.

This past weekend was fantastic with a visit from my brother and his wife- it was all fun and distractions from my reality. This morning, I woke up with that sinking feeling.

“Ugh, back to the shit that is my life.”

Chris and I sat outside, ate a delicious homemade breakfast, and started going through our car options. I had a minor meltdown, but we sort of figured out our plan of action. It was a beautiful day, one not to be wasted on being upset.

It is Labor day of course, the day that symbolizes the end of summer for us Americans. This is the kind of day spent doing something fun- bbq’s, friends, beach, but Chris had other ideas.

He told me what to wear and then we packed up snacks and a lunch and got in the car. I am not very good with surprises, even though I LOVE them. I ask too many questions. Today I tried so hard to keep quiet, just go with the flow. At one point, Chris even made me close my eyes! The drive was beautiful, and we listened to the latest episode of This American Life which was hilarious and our favorite way to pass the time on long drives.

So this is where Chris brought me today. It is impossible to feel unlucky in a field of sunflowers.

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