I am torn between feeling lucky or unlucky these days.

Last weekend I got in a car accident.  Somehow I’ve become more focused on the car, then the fact that I’m so damn lucky to be alive after spinning across Rte 91. It was one of those moments where your life flashes in front of you and you have no idea how it will end. As my car spun out of control, I had time to think-

“I could die right now.”

It’s really as scary as it gets. I didn’t hurt anyone else, didn’t hit another car, and walked away without a scratch. It really is amazing. Yet here I am, focusing on this material possession. This thing that means nothing, it is just a car.

But there is more to it then that. I just feel bogged down by all that is occurring in my world right now- Silas’ looming b-day, getting pregnant, money, work, a babylost mom losing another baby,  it’s all just one big headache. I swear my head feels like it’s about to explode sometimes.

Then I get in this car accident and nearly total my car, which now costs too much to fix, and leaves me just feeling so helpless. Chris is so right on when he says that all this other stuff we can do something about, the money, the car, work, even getting pregnant (to some degree).

We cannot bring Silas back. This we can’t fix. He will forever be a force in our life, but not a body. The further out we get, the further away I feel from the whole experience. I look at the picture of him, and still can’t believe he is and was mine. But lately I’m not thinking about it as much. Which obviously is hard for me to be ok with also.

I have been focused on getting pregnant and now, on the whole car thing. We’ve had to re-arrange our schedules this last week  in order to get both of us to work, and now we’re doing the same this coming week. Living in the ‘burbs, it’s a total pain in the ass. We both need cars for our jobs and sharing one is a hassle. I hate to complain about it, but I feel like it’s the last thing we both need right now. And I loved my car.

I spent so much time crying last week. I think I cried like 4-5 times a day! That’s pretty insane. All because I crashed my car? I’m not sure. I think it became that final straw for me, like “how can this happen now?” and also, because I have no one else to blame for this. No one hit me, I got scared by a spider and lost control. It was all on me.

I still carry some of the guilt and blame of the loss of Silas. I have shed most of it, but I think there will always be a piece of that with me forever. And while I know a car accident is just that, an accident, I see it as another thing I screwed up.

I cannot compare, obviously the loss of a car is a minor one in life, just like glass. You can’t get attached. I swear I break at least one glass a month. But somehow, the timing of this seems so huge to me. It feels like all these little things have become just one big ball of crap that paralyzes me.

This past weekend was fantastic with a visit from my brother and his wife- it was all fun and distractions from my reality. This morning, I woke up with that sinking feeling.

“Ugh, back to the shit that is my life.”

Chris and I sat outside, ate a delicious homemade breakfast, and started going through our car options. I had a minor meltdown, but we sort of figured out our plan of action. It was a beautiful day, one not to be wasted on being upset.

It is Labor day of course, the day that symbolizes the end of summer for us Americans. This is the kind of day spent doing something fun- bbq’s, friends, beach, but Chris had other ideas.

He told me what to wear and then we packed up snacks and a lunch and got in the car. I am not very good with surprises, even though I LOVE them. I ask too many questions. Today I tried so hard to keep quiet, just go with the flow. At one point, Chris even made me close my eyes! The drive was beautiful, and we listened to the latest episode of This American Life which was hilarious and our favorite way to pass the time on long drives.

So this is where Chris brought me today. It is impossible to feel unlucky in a field of sunflowers.