There is this humongous fly that is buzzing around me as I write this. I keep trying to get it with a rolled up magazine and I keep missing it. I swear it’s like how I’m feeling right now. As though happiness could be within my grasp but I keep missing it. It slows down, lands, and then *poof* it’s gone again. It’s unsettling. As much as I LOVE summer, I am looking forward to saying goodbye to the flies that are a constant as the chilly mornings & evenings have arrived.

But I feel like I’m constantly cleaning. I am not sure how 2 people can create that much mess, but it seems true. Then I think about how it would be cleaning up with 3 of us and really that is what I want. I’ve made a promise to myself that I won’t ever complain about it, ever. Well, maybe not ever, but it is amazing how much bargaining you do with yourself when things feel so out of your grasp.  I guess I just need to be busy doing all the things I can control. The cleaning, cooking, gardening, working, exercising- it’s what I do to keep busy and occupy my mind from getting the best of me.  My mind is always getting the best, though, especially this week.

Because this is the week, that fateful week a year ago where it was all uncertain. I read back to Chris’ posts from this time last year and it is so heartbreakingly hopeful.

Surprisingly, for now, I am doing ok. Today was an alright day- we seem to have them sometimes.  The sun was shining and we sold tons of coffee. But I am ready to be over the hump. I want the other side of this. I told a friend today how I’ve already felt the worst in my life, and that this week can’t possibly be any more awful than I have already felt this year.

We’ll get through it, I guess, with the help of friends & family and each other, since there is no other choice. I know how busy this week will be so hopefully it will be over before I know it.

As always, we appreciate the love being showered on us right now. It’s amazing how anniversaries do that. I am planning on going to Silas’ tree and planting some bulbs that will bloom in the spring. That is something I can do to honor my baby boy.  There will be other things, too, that we do, but I’m just not sure what they are right now.  We’ve never done this before.

I do want to remember my baby this week with some of the only memories I have with him. I need to look at these pix sometimes to remember how it felt, to just remember the only time I had with Silas. Our time with him alive was fleeting and has faded too much from my memory for my liking. I had plenty of time with him inside me so those memories are what I have to cherish. It is all I’ve got.

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