We are coming upon a year since the loss of our beautiful baby and almost everything is a painful reminder of what we don’t have. Jeez, a year? How on earth did that happen? I had so many plans for myself, of what I thought would be by now.  I never lost that weight, I’m still not pregnant and yeah, I still don’t have my baby. It’s still unfathomable to me even after all this time has passed. I’m not sure how that is possible- with all the therapy and tears, why am I still in disbelief?

Yesterday Chris said “you’re in disbelief, that you are still in disbelief?”

I had to laugh at that one. That was after we both had ourselves a good cry as we headed up to the farmer’s market yesterday. My memories of the markets at the end of my pregnancy are still so vivid. Especially the waddling back and forth to and from the port-o-potty. And of course the constant questions about my belly.

“Is this your first?” yes.

“Is it a boy or a girl?” we don’t know.

“how much longer?” any day now.

I loved it though. I loved talking about it- as uncomfortable as I was, I loved the attention. I felt amazing to be growing this baby- this big baby inside me. I knew that my world would change any day and I was excited.

I see pregnant women and cringe, knowing they get those constant questions, knowing that I’ll get them again one day and my answers will require too much thought.

I ignore the new babies and big bellies and it still feels so awful. A year later and I still can’t handle it. My jealousy of pregnancies and babies is raging and there is no way to stop it. I had no idea how I would be a year later after this horrible mess, but I definitely assumed I’d be pregnant and that would help.

Chris said to me this weekend that he feels that this was Silas’ year.  That maybe we didn’t have room for a new baby just yet, that we needed to focus our love on him. I want to see it that way. But it doesn’t make any of it any better really. It seems like we are always trying to talk ourselves into feeling better somehow- I don’t know how we haven’t cracked yet. Maybe it’s because we’re always so busy.

We’ve both had a lot going on with work and we’re still ironing out the car situation now that I no longer have mine. I’m borrowing one from a friend for a few days and we were given one (that is being checked out by our mechanic) by other amazing friends. Everyone is still looking out for us- but sometimes it makes me so uncomfortable. We have had to take so much this year and it gets hard to do after a while. I want to give so much back, to everyone, but I have nothing in me. I give it to my yoga kids and Chris but that’s all I have.

We’re planning on going to New Hampshire to spend Silas’ day with his peach tree. We just can’t imagine being home. A few days with family, hiking and rockband should help ease some of the pain.

In the meantime, I’m just going to continue thinking about Silas and my disbelief, because even a year later I don’t think I want to accept it just yet.

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