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I cannot believe it’s been almost 3 years since the birth and death of my first born son. Our lives would have been so different had we had a 3 year old running around here.  I miss Silas, the promise of Silas, what could have been our amazing little boy.  I feel cheated of his life and what these last 3 years could have been. Of course we made the best of it, in all the ways that we could. We have amazing people in our lives that are supportive and awesome which has helped. I write here often of all the things we do to make our lives full and fun, but a piece of our hearts will always be missing, despite what we try to do to find that happiness.

This year feels different now that I’m pregnant. Last year we were apart for this weekend. I was traveling out west and Chris was here at home. It was hard on both of us, and we promised not to let something like that happen again.  With the beginning of Sept comes the natural anxiety.  It brings us both instantly back to this time 3 years ago, waiting for our baby to be born. All the things we had to do to get ready, the weather changing and with it a change of seasons. It’s really strange how much our bodies just sense this timing and naturally react to it. This week in particular I’ve been overly emotional. Today I woke up just pissed. I didn’t feel like getting up, going to teach, and really doing much of anything. I still feel mopey and sad and knew that a blog post was important to help me get through it.

This last month has been emotional on so many levels. Chris definitely feels like he is powerless and thus needs to try to protect me as much as possible. I’m sure it’s hard for the guys to have to sit back and watch this unfold, without being able to control every move we make. I go about my day, teaching, driving, cooking, etc and just hope for the best. I hope that I don’t slip and fall, or get in a car accident, or do anything that could take away this precious life inside me. Chris watches me with bated breath, still wishing he could use that bubble wrap and keep me protected from harm until this little guy lands screaming in our arms. Since that is not practical, and yes, I have to live my life, we just try to work it out, communicate our fears and needs, and breathe that big sigh of relief that we got through another day.

We are close to picking our baby’s birthdate which feels awesome and weird at the same time. I had a Dr. appt today and a date is being requested, but they can’t schedule until 32 weeks, and I’m at almost 31.  I can’t even believe sometimes how my whole perception of birth has changed since losing Silas. I am thrilled to be with doctors (though I love the 2 midwives in the group too),  can’t wait to deliver in a hospital, and am truly looking forward to my scheduled c-section. I want a healthy, live, screaming baby and if this is how it’s done, I’m all for it.

So here we are, just patiently waiting for our first real live baby in our arms. I feel so close I can taste it, but man, 8 more weeks! arghhh!! I’m so ready for this. Every single day, I look at my belly and give thanks. I still cannot believe it- that I am really pregnant, and that it’s almost time to deliver this miracle child. With all the fertility treatments we went through, I feel like this babe inside me is truly a ray of sunshine that we worked so hard for. Every little kick reminds me of that, every day.

Despite all that, I do complain sometimes, even though I said I wouldn’t! Pregnancy is hard on my body- I tire easily, my feet get swollen, I’m uncomfortable as can be, I sleep poorly. Chris is quick to remind me how much we wanted this, but sometimes I can’t help myself!! I am truly thrilled, of course, but I am ready though. This baby feels like 4 years in the making- which is a hell of a long time to wait for a baby.

The hardest part though lately has been answering the question-

“Is this your first?”

It happens up to 5 times a day. Most of the time I say yes, just to make it easier on all of us. But I feel terrible about it every single time. In some ways I want everyone to know about Silas, but I know it’s just not appropriate to share what happened sometimes. I don’t think it will ever be easy, regardless of how I answer. It’s always followed up with a truly uncomfortable conversation that I really don’t want to have.

To get through this tough weekend, we made sure to make awesome plans. We are going to NYC and walking the Highline, meeting up with friends, seeing Wilco at Summerstage in Central Park, staying with my brother and sis in law who have all kinds of fun planned for us all weekend. The anticipation leading up is always harder then the actual day. That seems to be true each year. Maybe somehow my body knows though, that even though Sept 25 was the day I gave birth, it was a Thursday, so today was really the day it all went down. I just want to be sad and melancholy today, it just feels right.

As always, thank you for all your support, those who read, and those who read and comment. I am not much of a blog reader these days, but I truly appreciate that there are so many of you who still read and comment and follow our story.  I may find myself writing more and more as the time gets closer to baby, and as the anxiety & excitement increases.

So please light a candle for our little Silas Orion on Sunday, look up to his stars, and give your kids a hug for us. xo

The last few days have been filled with crazy, crazy news.  They found some regrowth in the same tumor spot on little Carly. That enough would make you just want to throw things. Then I got some news about a fellow babylost mom who was pregnant and lost her baby midway through the pregnancy. Really? like, seriously? And then I got some more pregnancy news and then some babies being born news and all these people in my life having their second already since we lost Silas. It’s all just very hard to take, all piled on top of a few days. Somehow I’m still standing.

We are starting IVF again. It’s our 2nd fresh cycle but 3rd altogether since we did that frozen one way back when. We’ve determined this isn’t the be all end all of me getting pregnant. We could not possibly add any more pressure then we already feel going in to this round. If it doesn’t work, we’ll cross that bridge. I’m happy to be in this mind space for this cycle. I know what to expect, I’m not scared, I’m ready.

2 1/2 years out and still trying. How do we stay hopeful? Any suggestions? It’s so hard. I expect not to be pregnant now. It makes the letdown month after month so much easier. I don’t cry much anymore when I get my period. I just expect it. A few weeks back I decided to stop trying so hard. No more acupuncture, herbs, teas, vitamins. I just don’t want to keep putting in effort, time, money, etc when it hasn’t worked. So this month we just said fuck it and whatever happens happens. I’m starting IVF anyway if and when I get my period. We decided to try a new clinic- and this one isn’t having me do a rest down before the cycle. So I just start right with my period. Time to shake things up a little, when things aren’t working, change it up.

I am still having bad days mixed with good days. There are moments where I stop dead in my tracks and think- wait, did my baby really die? I still can’t fathom it sometimes. I also cannot believe I can’t seem to get pregnant. I know everyone in this IF world thinks that- but after our loss, it just seems so unfair. I got pregnant easily the first time, no issues. I wasn’t so young either. How many times can I say this? but its 3 years since Silas was conceived. We’re in that phase of his pregnancy where it was so new and so exciting, but 3 friggin years ago! So long ago. I want to feel that again so badly it hurts.

I am going to do restorative yoga, just like the NY times article said to do.  (yeah yeah I’m a yogi, I should know this but I generally don’t do restorative). I’m going to stay calm and not stress. Even when I’m poking myself with needles day in and day out & driving almost an hour to the clinic at 6:30am on these really cold winter mornings. I’m going to breathe, and relax and take care of myself.  (At least this is my plan).

We now have a few trips planned-  Florida to see my parents, and this is immediately after we find out if this cycle worked. Then we are going to Costa Rica for my 40th and for Chris’ bday and so I can do a teacher training. We also have a trip to Lake Tahoe planned for the summer for a wedding. So all of these trips are something to look forward to, regardless of whether I’m pregnant or not. I have chosen not to add that to the equation anymore. It did me no good when planning for my sister’s wedding. It made it complicated and depressing.

Tomorrow is supposed to be warm, the snow is melting and our parking has reappeared.  Oh, and we have the cutest new kittens – Puck & Purrsephone, have I mentioned that yet? 

I choose to let these little things make me happy these days. It’s all I can do to stay sane.

We are coming upon a year since the loss of our beautiful baby and almost everything is a painful reminder of what we don’t have. Jeez, a year? How on earth did that happen? I had so many plans for myself, of what I thought would be by now.  I never lost that weight, I’m still not pregnant and yeah, I still don’t have my baby. It’s still unfathomable to me even after all this time has passed. I’m not sure how that is possible- with all the therapy and tears, why am I still in disbelief?

Yesterday Chris said “you’re in disbelief, that you are still in disbelief?”

I had to laugh at that one. That was after we both had ourselves a good cry as we headed up to the farmer’s market yesterday. My memories of the markets at the end of my pregnancy are still so vivid. Especially the waddling back and forth to and from the port-o-potty. And of course the constant questions about my belly.

“Is this your first?” yes.

“Is it a boy or a girl?” we don’t know.

“how much longer?” any day now.

I loved it though. I loved talking about it- as uncomfortable as I was, I loved the attention. I felt amazing to be growing this baby- this big baby inside me. I knew that my world would change any day and I was excited.

I see pregnant women and cringe, knowing they get those constant questions, knowing that I’ll get them again one day and my answers will require too much thought.

I ignore the new babies and big bellies and it still feels so awful. A year later and I still can’t handle it. My jealousy of pregnancies and babies is raging and there is no way to stop it. I had no idea how I would be a year later after this horrible mess, but I definitely assumed I’d be pregnant and that would help.

Chris said to me this weekend that he feels that this was Silas’ year.  That maybe we didn’t have room for a new baby just yet, that we needed to focus our love on him. I want to see it that way. But it doesn’t make any of it any better really. It seems like we are always trying to talk ourselves into feeling better somehow- I don’t know how we haven’t cracked yet. Maybe it’s because we’re always so busy.

We’ve both had a lot going on with work and we’re still ironing out the car situation now that I no longer have mine. I’m borrowing one from a friend for a few days and we were given one (that is being checked out by our mechanic) by other amazing friends. Everyone is still looking out for us- but sometimes it makes me so uncomfortable. We have had to take so much this year and it gets hard to do after a while. I want to give so much back, to everyone, but I have nothing in me. I give it to my yoga kids and Chris but that’s all I have.

We’re planning on going to New Hampshire to spend Silas’ day with his peach tree. We just can’t imagine being home. A few days with family, hiking and rockband should help ease some of the pain.

In the meantime, I’m just going to continue thinking about Silas and my disbelief, because even a year later I don’t think I want to accept it just yet.

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