We made it. We’re over the hump. We felt the love pouring in from all over the world, through texts, comments, emails & phone calls. It was pretty spectacular and it helped us, honest to goodness. Knowing how many people were out there thinking about us and Silas made us feel very special. So thank you everyone.  Your love was powerful and it kept us smiling & laughing all weekend. It is hard to be sad when there is SO much love being thrown at you.

We saved the sadness for the ride home from New Hampshire. It was long, rainy and depressing. We kind of needed it to be though.  It was the hardest of the 3 days by a landslide. Friday was a gorgeous day, we drove up in all the leave changing glory. It was a perfect New England fall day. We were able to relax and let go and put the stresses of our lives on hold for a bit. It was a needed respite from all that is weighing on us.

But get this:  Last week I was driving home from teaching at a new school in Chris’ car, the Matrix, because the mini-van our friends gave us was not registered yet.  I was stopped at a light and out of nowhere this young guy rear-ended me so hard– hard enough that he actually totaled the car.

I was ok (again) but SO mad. I was freaking out. I must have looked like a lunatic, but seriously, another car accident? I totaled 2 cars in 3 weeks? Seriously? On top of the anxiety of the upcoming anniversary date, this really was the icing on the cake. Where was my guardian angel Silas who was supposed to be looking out for me?

I told the guy & his dad that while I do understand it was an accident and he didn’t hit me on purpose, his timing was really bad and he was pretty much ruining my life at that moment. He sheepishly looked at me and apologized, not much else to say really. Then I had to take a cab home. Yeah, it was so pathetic.

So we went from 2 cars we both loved, to zero cars in a matter of weeks.  Yes, they are material possessions that we need to not be attached to. But I am tired of loss. It’s like loss, piled on loss, piled on loss.

Today is Yom Kippur, the day of Atonement for us Jews. I barely acknowledged it, and have only given it a little thought. I made us matzah ball soup last night for dinner- that was the extent of it. I want to think of these 2 important Jewish holidays as a letting go- of this horrible year that decided to milk itself til the bitter end.

Somehow I still have hope that we will grow a sibling for Silas, that the car stuff will no longer be the focus point in our lives, that our businesses will continue to thrive, and that we will find as much joy as we possibly can in this new year ahead. I do have hope for that. It’s just hard to see that when everything seems like it is working against me. I feel completely beat down.

But I am taking the power of the love we felt, and I will use it to forge a new path that will keep me feeling that goodness awaits us. Because godammit, we friggin’ deserve it already.

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