That week was so rough, it pretty much knocked me to the ground. First a negative preg test, then getting my period and then having to start the injections again. The hormones were coursing through me – apparently it is so much worse when taking fertility drugs. I was more depressed then ever. Day after day, I kept thinking I would wake up and feel better. It took me almost a week- the longest recovery yet.

I was so angry. More angry then I have been in a very very long time. I was angry at my midwives for failing to deliver a healthy baby,  at my body for not cooperating and making me go through all this month after month, the fact that I have to work with other people’s children day after day without having my own, and that we are endlessly struggling to pay our bills. All of it. Angry that my 18 month old baby is not here with me. That I should be trying for live baby #2 right now and yet I’m still working on live baby #1.

I didn’t even want to do anything to help myself feel better either. Didn’t want to meditate, or do something fun. I wanted to be angry and wallow in my pain. I knew that it would lift at some point, so I decided to just stay there.

And then one morning I just woke up and felt ok. Just like that. The angry mood lifted and I was me again. I was able to go into the world feeling like I can smile and not feel like I wanted to hide away and never come out again.  It’s amazing what hormones can do.

But I’m fine now. I guess as fine as I can be. To get through yet another tough month, we decided to take the plunge. We finally adopted another kitty! His name is Beans and he is super cute and super lovable. Still a bit of a scaredy cat and Chumby isn’t making him feel too welcome just yet. But all in good time.  It’s fun having a new life to take care of and focus on.

The changing seasons have been freaking me out a bit. Wait, it’s spring again? How did that happen? When you’ve been through a trauma, especially one like ours, you see time so differently. I can’t believe that it was 2 years ago in the spring that I was newly pregnant. That last spring I was still freshly mourning the loss of Silas, but still hopeful I’d be pregnant again soon. And now, a year later, I’m still here. Still trying to get pregnant. Watching everyone around me have their babies. I know, I moan and groan about this fact constantly. But it’s wearing on me.

My job, though I absolutely love it, can wear on me too. I see these beautiful kids, day in and day out, and I long for one of my own. My work has saved me, I do know that. It keeps me going, it keeps me busy and it feels good to be part of what is actually helping our country. I am making a difference and that is important. But I have given so much to so many. I want to be selfish and give some of it to my own kids. It’s time already.

I watched 60 minutes yesterday and there was a special on Haiti and how many orphaned kids are out there now, kids whose parents can’t find them. It was heartbreaking. I cried my eyes out watching it- wanting to go there and do something about it. Sometimes seeing the big picture, seeing the tragedy affecting the millions of people all over the world helps me to see how lucky I really am.

I know I am lucky. I know that I have it good over here- people who love me, a roof over my head, and I’m healthy. And while I take the time to realize that, I also allow myself to feel sad for what I don’t have. I can recognize that balance, and that is healthy.

So while the lucky socks did not work last month, I was torn about wearing them again. I couldn’t decide if now they were deemed “unlucky” since they didn’t work for me the first time I wore them. Suffice it to say, I did not wear them this time around. We’re in the dreaded 2ww. Luckily we are heading to Florida this weekend to visit my parents and soak up the warm Florida sun.  Should be a fun distraction.

This past weekend of sun was good for our souls. Though it was fleeting, it was a taste of what’s to come and really, it’s hard to be pissed off at the world when it is a beautiful sunny spring day and flowers are blooming all around you.

I’m hoping that this will be another spring where I’ll have a blossoming belly- because it really is time.

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