Another Year

I have come to the conclusion that I’m just not a great blogger. I have had many, many posts written in my head, but just have not been able to make the time to sit and write them. My focus these days has been on my business. So with that, I am working so hard to keep up with my Full of Joy Yoga blog- that takes a lot of effort on my part so go check it out and see what I’ve been up to lately.

I really can’t believe another year will come and go and we are still in this same damn place. When we took a break from fertility meds this summer, it was to get me strong, healthy and regular. Now almost 6 months later, that has been accomplished. I have a great acupuncturist who I see weekly. What I’ve found fascinating is that I’m back on a full moon cycle (is that tmi?). It’s definitely a step in the right direction though it doesn’t keep me from feeling frustrated and devastated every month I’m not pregnant.

The most upsetting part in this for me right now, is that my insurance will only cover 1 more fresh IVF cycle before I’m 40 and that date is slowly creeping up on us. I need to have that cycle completed by April 28. Which means I need to meet with our dr. and then basically start the whole awful process again next month.

I have finally gotten to a really healthy place, I am feeling hopeful it can happen naturally, yet my insurance has to dictate what we do. I cannot turn down a free IVF cycle. I have to do it and do it feeling calm and ok. It’s hard though, it’s stressing me out and pisses me off and I hate that I have to have my life revolve around insurance rules.

So that’s where we’re at. I wish my disappearance was because I was pregnant. It seems like every other day I am finding out about another pregnant friend. It is hard to be happy for them but even harder to not. So I just am (but after a good cry for myself). Facebook continues to be a minefield that can either entertain me or make me want to throw shit. But for some reason I continue to torture myself day after day.

Luckily Phish has decided to play a lot on the east coast, we have been trying to see as many shows as we can afford. As much as I love the music, it also allows my mind to wander and sometimes in ways that tear me to pieces. I had a blast these last 2 nights, but at the same time, almost brokedown and lost my shit multiple times. I don’t know how to be anymore. I feel as torn up sometimes as I was the day we lost Silas. I think these last 2 years I just have figured out how to fake it.  Don’t get me wrong, I do laugh and have fun, but that  layer of loss and sadness is always there. Sometimes I just hide it really, really well.

After having to put down Beans (unbelievable right?), we got new kittens Puck & Purrsephone from a friend.  They are super cute and lovable and definitely have given us something fun to focus on. New life in our home is good.

Somehow there are still people out there reading- which is amazing to me. Thank you for sticking by me, even when I feel like I have given up on myself.  As down as I can get, the hope is still there.  Chris and I are a team, and even when times get tough, we are in this together. We will make sure that we will have our family, and I am going to make it happen in 2011, no matter how or where or what, it will happen.

Sorrow

The song Sorrow by Pink Floyd came on my ipod today while I was driving and I thought about how that word just nails how I’ve felt this summer.

Yesterdays -all of a sudden- fall weather threw me for a loop. After all the heat and humidity, to get this burst of fall sent a pit to my stomach that is unmistakable. It is that feeling of dread, that feeling I’ve felt only once before and that was last year this time.

The change of seasons now, of summer to fall, will always signify the impending birth and death of Silas. I remember that feeling all too well of hanging in our yard with our various friends and family members, weeks after Silas died, watching the leaves and acorns cover our yard. This time of year will never be the same again.  It just feels too soon for it to happen. It’s still August – I just wasn’t prepared for it.

Both Chris and I felt it yesterday. We didn’t even have to talk about it, but we acknowledged the change in the weather and that deep, dark pit it left in our stomachs. It’s been a tough summer for me. I haven’t worked all that much, and when I have, I’ve felt like I’ve lost my passion a bit. I’m a lost puppy right now. In between 2 lives. One that I’ve lived and one that I want.

It makes it really hard to be satisfied and fulfilled when you are treading in that in between place. I can’t ever have my old life back. The easy-going fun with friends & music & innocence. I don’t have that life I’ve been wanting now for what seems like years. We’ve been living here in New Haven for almost 3 years. This longing for a child has been with me for longer then that. We started trying way back when we returned from our 3 month honeymoon in SE Asia. That seems like a lifetime ago and a really long time to be wanting something.

I am taking a trip out west in a few weeks and I’ll be gone for almost a month. I’ve had that need to get away for a bit, to maybe find those parts of myself that I lost. I have my sister’s bach party in Vegas, a quick stint in LA,  our friends wedding in Napa, some SF time and then my sisters wedding in Colorado. Instead of the back and forth, I decided to make it a west coast journey, with time off to recharge, renew and let go.  Chris will be coming out for both weddings so as soon as I start missing him, luckily I’ll get to see him. Being without him will be hard, but I know we’ll manage.  It’s really the kitties I’m worried about. I miss them when we’re gone overnight!

The strange part of all of it is that we’ll be apart on Sept 25. I am doing a Kids Yoga teacher training that weekend in Berkeley and Chris will be home in New Haven. I know it will be hard for us to be apart on that day. But every single day of my life is hard now, so really, how much harder will that be for us? It’s just how it worked out.

Last week we rented a beach house with friends for a few days. The Phish shows we saw were really fun, but the real highlight was getting to swim in the ocean. Oh, how amazing it feels to dive in and under huge waves, and ride them to shore. I felt like I was able to leave behind some of the sorrow and grumpiness I’ve been holding inside me these last few months. Then yesterday’s winds and cold came and brought it right back.

I tried really hard to not pay attention to my cycle this time around. But since it lasted for 40 excruciating days, it made it almost impossible to ignore. Days 32 & 33 I thought, “hmmm, where are you period?”  I know you are coming. Days 34-36 I thought,  ok, this has happened before, I don’t feel pregnant, you must be coming any minute.  Days 37 – 39, ok, well, now it’s really really late. I must be pregnant. Right? BFN. Ok, so I’m not. Where the hell are you then? And onto day 40, I finally drank some ginger tea and bam, there she was. And so it goes. Story of my life. If I’m not going to be pregnant, then why can’t my periods just come on time? Why do I have to be fucked with? So unfair. Of course I googled “late period after failed IVF” and a shitload of posts from every baby/fertility site came up. I guess I should have done that a week before and spared myself the torture of thinking, am I? Is this normal?

I’ve been doing the acupuncture, chinese herbs, red clover, red raspberry leaf & nettles tea, royal jelly, false unicorn root path and so I just assumed all that would have helped my cycle get regular. Even though I am taking all these herbs and eating the right foods (though I have not given up beer- I have to have a little fun right?) and all that, I also did not pay attention to my cycle at all. I didn’t even know I was late until I went to my acupuncturist who said, oh, today is day 32 of your cycle. What? Oh, how ’bout that. I was proud of myself for not counting all month and not paying attention to any of it.

And look where that got me.

So, as my sorrowful summer comes to a close, I am going to continue to stay thankful for all the little things I do have in my life right now: Chris, the kitties, being back to my pre-baby weight (yay!) and a super fantastic Vegas weekend to kick off a few weeks of much needed travel.

Spring has Sprung

That week was so rough, it pretty much knocked me to the ground. First a negative preg test, then getting my period and then having to start the injections again. The hormones were coursing through me – apparently it is so much worse when taking fertility drugs. I was more depressed then ever. Day after day, I kept thinking I would wake up and feel better. It took me almost a week- the longest recovery yet.

I was so angry. More angry then I have been in a very very long time. I was angry at my midwives for failing to deliver a healthy baby,  at my body for not cooperating and making me go through all this month after month, the fact that I have to work with other people’s children day after day without having my own, and that we are endlessly struggling to pay our bills. All of it. Angry that my 18 month old baby is not here with me. That I should be trying for live baby #2 right now and yet I’m still working on live baby #1.

I didn’t even want to do anything to help myself feel better either. Didn’t want to meditate, or do something fun. I wanted to be angry and wallow in my pain. I knew that it would lift at some point, so I decided to just stay there.

And then one morning I just woke up and felt ok. Just like that. The angry mood lifted and I was me again. I was able to go into the world feeling like I can smile and not feel like I wanted to hide away and never come out again.  It’s amazing what hormones can do.

But I’m fine now. I guess as fine as I can be. To get through yet another tough month, we decided to take the plunge. We finally adopted another kitty! His name is Beans and he is super cute and super lovable. Still a bit of a scaredy cat and Chumby isn’t making him feel too welcome just yet. But all in good time.  It’s fun having a new life to take care of and focus on.

The changing seasons have been freaking me out a bit. Wait, it’s spring again? How did that happen? When you’ve been through a trauma, especially one like ours, you see time so differently. I can’t believe that it was 2 years ago in the spring that I was newly pregnant. That last spring I was still freshly mourning the loss of Silas, but still hopeful I’d be pregnant again soon. And now, a year later, I’m still here. Still trying to get pregnant. Watching everyone around me have their babies. I know, I moan and groan about this fact constantly. But it’s wearing on me.

My job, though I absolutely love it, can wear on me too. I see these beautiful kids, day in and day out, and I long for one of my own. My work has saved me, I do know that. It keeps me going, it keeps me busy and it feels good to be part of what is actually helping our country. I am making a difference and that is important. But I have given so much to so many. I want to be selfish and give some of it to my own kids. It’s time already.

I watched 60 minutes yesterday and there was a special on Haiti and how many orphaned kids are out there now, kids whose parents can’t find them. It was heartbreaking. I cried my eyes out watching it- wanting to go there and do something about it. Sometimes seeing the big picture, seeing the tragedy affecting the millions of people all over the world helps me to see how lucky I really am.

I know I am lucky. I know that I have it good over here- people who love me, a roof over my head, and I’m healthy. And while I take the time to realize that, I also allow myself to feel sad for what I don’t have. I can recognize that balance, and that is healthy.

So while the lucky socks did not work last month, I was torn about wearing them again. I couldn’t decide if now they were deemed “unlucky” since they didn’t work for me the first time I wore them. Suffice it to say, I did not wear them this time around. We’re in the dreaded 2ww. Luckily we are heading to Florida this weekend to visit my parents and soak up the warm Florida sun.  Should be a fun distraction.

This past weekend of sun was good for our souls. Though it was fleeting, it was a taste of what’s to come and really, it’s hard to be pissed off at the world when it is a beautiful sunny spring day and flowers are blooming all around you.

I’m hoping that this will be another spring where I’ll have a blossoming belly- because it really is time.

that by which we fall is that by which we rise

Sally Kempton, a tantric meditation teacher, shared that with us in my class with her at the sf yoga journal conference. Obviously it struck quite a cord with me.  I’ve been thinking of this statement as I go through my days. Fighting the feeling to let my loss and continuous pregnancy struggles get me down.

But I’ve been feeling so lonely these days.  I miss Bandha and his neediness. I don’t have a 17 month old tearing up the place like I should. There is a never-ending emptiness that can’t even be filled with all the fun we try to fill it with.

My trip to SF was just that- a complete whirlwind and pure fun.  I spent tons of time from one end of the city to the other, meeting friends for lunch, dinner, bars, hospitals, you name it. I ate so well and drank lots of cali wine. I took yoga, meditation, pranayama & acroyoga classes at the conference.  It was a blast. I went from friend to friend, place to place and did everything I could have wanted and more. I am lucky to have had the opportunity and I have the greatest group of friends ever.

Meeting Paige and Aliza was incredible. From the second we met, I felt like we were old friends. It was really easy- us babylost mamas speak a language that only we share.  Meeting Sev was awesome. I loved holding him and smelling him and taking in the new-babyness. I need that in my life. I don’t do that, I haven’t done it since losing Silas and I felt it was time. I am finding myself opening up to babies and pregnancy. I’ve shielded myself from it for a long time, for protection which is truly understandable. But I’m over it- so over it. So tired of being angry and sad – this trip helped open me up to the parts of myself that I miss.

I spent the following week after my trip pretty much on the couch every night. I crashed and crashed hard. I found it hard to do much else besides lay around and watch tv. The effort to fill my void with goodness truly took its toll when I came back to the loneliness I was escaping.  Don’t get me wrong, having Chris to come back to was the best. I missed him so much while I was away, it was hard to be out there without him! We are a team – more then ever, and without him I don’t feel whole. But there is a void that is hard to escape, and it fills our lives so profoundly.

I am working hard to meditate on this statement and rise above the shit we’ve been handed. What other choice do we have really? In so many ways we do have so much, and I need to recognize that as much as possible. There are so many out there rooting for us and its amazing. It is very powerful and it propels me forward and out of bed every day. With Chumby being exceptionally snuggly these days, it really has become so hard for the both of us to get up in the morning.

Chumby has definitely changed since we put Bandha down. She is all over us, both of us now. She is way more lovey with Chris then ever and it’s so sweet. It used to be all about me, but now she wants to snuggle with him too. We are planning on getting another kitty for her to torture- just waiting for the right time.  A new cat will definitely help fill the void here and piss Chumby off so bad, but I do think she is lonely too.

We’ve started the injectible fertility meds. I don’t really want to go into too much detail about the timing of it all. The only thing I’ll ask is that you cross your fingers that the lucky socks will work their magic when the time comes!

It Was Time

The tumor had spread behind his eye. It was looking all red and bulgy and he was miserable. The sore spot on his gum from the tumor was causing a lot of bleeding and he couldn’t groom himself anymore. He started smelling sick even though he was still eating and wanting to go outside.

We had to put Bandha down last night. People kept telling me that we’ll know. He was so miserable yesterday- the pain meds were no longer working.  Together Chris and I brought him to the vet and listened while she told us it was time.

He did not like being held, he hated it. He would sit on us on his own terms. But now he was being held in my arms like a baby. All swaddled and wrapped in a blanket as the sedative kicked in. I couldn’t help but be reminded of holding my dying baby Silas the same way a year and a half ago.

Bandha was the sweetest little kitty. He was aloof and didn’t say much. He poked me in bed when he wanted his food or to go out, but mostly he slept or wanted headrubs. We called him the headrub slut because he’d take one from anyone!

Our friend Sarah called him Dumbo because he had really big ears.  We think his big ears gave him amazing hearing which also made him super skittish. Everyone always commented on how regal and handsome he was. He had a really large big-cat like face and beautiful green eyes.

When he was a kitten I called him Bunnycat because he had really long paws. I knew he was going to be really big- and he was, he weighed 18lbs at his heaviest!

He was about 6 weeks old when I got him on Oct 7, 1999. He lived a wonderful life in his 11 1/2 years and will be sorely missed around here.

RIP Bandha Fluffhead Rosen Gallagher

A Rough Start

This year isn’t starting off the way I imagined it would. Remember our kitty Bandha who I left out in the rain for 5 hours? Well, he has bone cancer in his jaw and has a huge tumor that apparently is very aggressive.

Around the beginning of Dec we started noticing him sticking his tongue out of his mouth all the time. While we found it cute, we started to realize it wasn’t normal. Especially because he was drooling a lot too. So I brought him to the vet. She couldn’t get a good look in there, but gave a pretty definite diagnosis that it was a tumor. We decided against the super expensive biopsy and all that entails because we decided that we wouldn’t treat him anyway. They would have to remove his jaw and then do chemo and really, what kind of quality of life would that be for any of us?

So she gave him an antibiotic shot that lasted 2 weeks in hopes of it just being an infection. 2 weeks later, no change- and it seemed to have gotten worse. We decided to bring him to another vet for a second opinion. This vet said it was definitely cancer in his jaw bone and that it is pretty aggressive. She also gave antibiotics for an infection that had developed in there as well as pain meds.

So now I have been giving him his pain meds which seems to be helping, but he’s not eating much and basically that is when they told us it was time to consider putting him down. So it may be time to say goodbye to our little Bandha.

I have mentally prepared myself for this inevitability. Right after Silas died, when my cats were the only comfort I had, I had to go there. I know as a pet owner that they won’t be there for as long as you want them, that is reality. But Bandha is only 11 and I didn’t think it was his time yet.

I hate to watch him suffer. I think that is the hardest part of all of it. He can’t tell me what he wants or how he feels and I don’t know how to help him. We’ve been giving him all the love we can,  as much as he allows.

People keep asking how our other cat Chumby is handling it. She usually gets annoyed with him being near her and hisses and swats at him. Now, she is just completely ignoring him like he isn’t even here. It’s really strange. She’s still giving me loads of love though, maybe even extra, knowing how sad we are about Bandha.

As far as eating goes- he won’t eat his cat food or the high calorie food the vet gave me (which is driving me nuts – all the open cans that neither of my kitties want to eat- argh!) and instead, will eat only goat cheese! I guess he knows that if his end is near, he may as well go out with a really yummy meal.

Light Another Candle

I liked that the annual Compassionate Friends candle lighting happened to fall on Hanukkah. These days I feel like my thoughts of Silas are just slipping away, and I can’t seem to figure out how to stop it. We don’t do anything to honor him these days. I think we’re just bogged down with everything else. Losing Silas is old news, all this other crap, it is what we deal with in the present. Though his loss is that umbrella with which we stand under of course. We’ve already dealt with the worst, but lately the daily trials and tribulations just seem to get harder and harder to deal with.

Yesterday we had crazy rainstorms all day and it made me so melancholy.  Early in the evening I started looking around the apt for Bandha and couldn’t find him. Chris and I ran to the back door and opened it, there stood our kitty, soaking wet and shaken. He was out there for 5 hours, at least! I lost it – in a way that I haven’t in a really long time. Obviously a good cry was waiting for that moment because I sobbed.  I sobbed so much harder then I have in a really really long time. I felt so bad, like I was such a terrible mom to do that to my cat. They are my babies right now, my only ones and I didn’t even know he wasn’t here in our apt?

I already felt like a bad mom for the fact that we don’t do anything to honor Silas except when we’re told to “light a candle.” Then I leave my cat in the rain for 5 hours? Ugh. It sucked and I just wanted to be unhappy and mad at myself the rest of the night. It was as if I had to punish myself for everything that is going wrong in our lives right now.

I hate the complaining, the constant complaining. But I also hate the pretending that all is fine. Not sure how to strike that balance but I’m working hard on that every second of every day.

Yesterday I just wanted to be sad. It was one of those days. I know these days are rough for all of us- the holidays are just hard- period. It’s just I feel so empty and missing my baby, and my patience for a new little one to take shape is wearing thin.

Bandha seems fine today. I dried him off, fed him his favorite food and gave him as much love as I could. I held him tight to my body and showered him with kisses and just cried for my babies.