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I liked that the annual Compassionate Friends candle lighting happened to fall on Hanukkah. These days I feel like my thoughts of Silas are just slipping away, and I can’t seem to figure out how to stop it. We don’t do anything to honor him these days. I think we’re just bogged down with everything else. Losing Silas is old news, all this other crap, it is what we deal with in the present. Though his loss is that umbrella with which we stand under of course. We’ve already dealt with the worst, but lately the daily trials and tribulations just seem to get harder and harder to deal with.

Yesterday we had crazy rainstorms all day and it made me so melancholy.  Early in the evening I started looking around the apt for Bandha and couldn’t find him. Chris and I ran to the back door and opened it, there stood our kitty, soaking wet and shaken. He was out there for 5 hours, at least! I lost it – in a way that I haven’t in a really long time. Obviously a good cry was waiting for that moment because I sobbed.  I sobbed so much harder then I have in a really really long time. I felt so bad, like I was such a terrible mom to do that to my cat. They are my babies right now, my only ones and I didn’t even know he wasn’t here in our apt?

I already felt like a bad mom for the fact that we don’t do anything to honor Silas except when we’re told to “light a candle.” Then I leave my cat in the rain for 5 hours? Ugh. It sucked and I just wanted to be unhappy and mad at myself the rest of the night. It was as if I had to punish myself for everything that is going wrong in our lives right now.

I hate the complaining, the constant complaining. But I also hate the pretending that all is fine. Not sure how to strike that balance but I’m working hard on that every second of every day.

Yesterday I just wanted to be sad. It was one of those days. I know these days are rough for all of us- the holidays are just hard- period. It’s just I feel so empty and missing my baby, and my patience for a new little one to take shape is wearing thin.

Bandha seems fine today. I dried him off, fed him his favorite food and gave him as much love as I could. I held him tight to my body and showered him with kisses and just cried for my babies.

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The rain is not helping. I’m having one of those melancholy days where I just feel helpless & hopeless and nothing is making it better. It’s been a quiet day, taught a few classes but sat at my computer most of the day getting some much needed work done. It seems like I always have work to do to keep this business successful. I think it just takes me a lot longer these days to get shit done.

What happens is my mind wanders to what should have been, what could have been, what isn’t and I feel defeated. I can’t help it. I know I have lots of joy and good things going on. But deep down, I’m still sad & heart broken and I feel like there is no way to fix it.

All the yoga, therapy, exercise, tv & kitty snuggling won’t change a bit. When Chumby curls up in my arms in the morning, I love and hate it at the same time. I always think “this should be my baby, my little Silas.”

I try to snap out of it and accept the sweet smells and purrs of my snuggly kitty but it’s so damn hard. Most of the time I can take all the love she has for me and allow it to ease some of the pain. But not always.

I look at every child I teach these days, and think how badly I want one. How far it is from my reach.

We’re almost at 2 yrs since conceiving Silas. We are not anywhere closer then we were before. I feel even further from being a mom. Pretty much every babylost mama I met here in blogland who lost babies around the same time as me, is pregnant. Some, like Sally, are just about to have their 2nd baby. Their rainbow baby. I am thrilled for them, of course. More then anyone else really, these subsequent pregnancies give me hope too. But I feel like the last man standing and it’s really lonely over here.

These days I am feeling good physically- I’ve lost most of the weight, I’m feeling stronger then ever, and I’m making an effort. When I look deep within though, I still feel so broken. My therapist would disagree, she feels like I have come such a long way from when I started seeing her. But I feel stagnant. I go through the motions, day in and day out, doing what I am “supposed” to be doing – what a normal person does. But it is all a facade.

I am shattered and have no clue how to make it better. Chris and I cling to each other- all we have is each other in this and sometimes we feel like we’re drowning from the weight of it all. From having to go through each day, putting one foot in front of the other.

We decided to take a break from the fertility stuff. It was too much and very stressful. We’re going the natural route- acupuncture, herbs, and then hoping for the best. We’ll re-evaluate in the new year and see where that takes us. It feels like the right decision for us now, though I am tired of hoping.

Today is just one of those days. It’s cold and rainy, just like my mood. Luckily, tomorrow I have a girls night which is something that is sure to snap me right out of it.

For now though, I will wallow in it and hope that Chumby decides to come snuggle with me on the couch.

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