The rain is not helping. I’m having one of those melancholy days where I just feel helpless & hopeless and nothing is making it better. It’s been a quiet day, taught a few classes but sat at my computer most of the day getting some much needed work done. It seems like I always have work to do to keep this business successful. I think it just takes me a lot longer these days to get shit done.

What happens is my mind wanders to what should have been, what could have been, what isn’t and I feel defeated. I can’t help it. I know I have lots of joy and good things going on. But deep down, I’m still sad & heart broken and I feel like there is no way to fix it.

All the yoga, therapy, exercise, tv & kitty snuggling won’t change a bit. When Chumby curls up in my arms in the morning, I love and hate it at the same time. I always think “this should be my baby, my little Silas.”

I try to snap out of it and accept the sweet smells and purrs of my snuggly kitty but it’s so damn hard. Most of the time I can take all the love she has for me and allow it to ease some of the pain. But not always.

I look at every child I teach these days, and think how badly I want one. How far it is from my reach.

We’re almost at 2 yrs since conceiving Silas. We are not anywhere closer then we were before. I feel even further from being a mom. Pretty much every babylost mama I met here in blogland who lost babies around the same time as me, is pregnant. Some, like Sally, are just about to have their 2nd baby. Their rainbow baby. I am thrilled for them, of course. More then anyone else really, these subsequent pregnancies give me hope too. But I feel like the last man standing and it’s really lonely over here.

These days I am feeling good physically- I’ve lost most of the weight, I’m feeling stronger then ever, and I’m making an effort. When I look deep within though, I still feel so broken. My therapist would disagree, she feels like I have come such a long way from when I started seeing her. But I feel stagnant. I go through the motions, day in and day out, doing what I am “supposed” to be doing – what a normal person does. But it is all a facade.

I am shattered and have no clue how to make it better. Chris and I cling to each other- all we have is each other in this and sometimes we feel like we’re drowning from the weight of it all. From having to go through each day, putting one foot in front of the other.

We decided to take a break from the fertility stuff. It was too much and very stressful. We’re going the natural route- acupuncture, herbs, and then hoping for the best. We’ll re-evaluate in the new year and see where that takes us. It feels like the right decision for us now, though I am tired of hoping.

Today is just one of those days. It’s cold and rainy, just like my mood. Luckily, tomorrow I have a girls night which is something that is sure to snap me right out of it.

For now though, I will wallow in it and hope that Chumby decides to come snuggle with me on the couch.

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