Another Year

I have come to the conclusion that I’m just not a great blogger. I have had many, many posts written in my head, but just have not been able to make the time to sit and write them. My focus these days has been on my business. So with that, I am working so hard to keep up with my Full of Joy Yoga blog- that takes a lot of effort on my part so go check it out and see what I’ve been up to lately.

I really can’t believe another year will come and go and we are still in this same damn place. When we took a break from fertility meds this summer, it was to get me strong, healthy and regular. Now almost 6 months later, that has been accomplished. I have a great acupuncturist who I see weekly. What I’ve found fascinating is that I’m back on a full moon cycle (is that tmi?). It’s definitely a step in the right direction though it doesn’t keep me from feeling frustrated and devastated every month I’m not pregnant.

The most upsetting part in this for me right now, is that my insurance will only cover 1 more fresh IVF cycle before I’m 40 and that date is slowly creeping up on us. I need to have that cycle completed by April 28. Which means I need to meet with our dr. and then basically start the whole awful process again next month.

I have finally gotten to a really healthy place, I am feeling hopeful it can happen naturally, yet my insurance has to dictate what we do. I cannot turn down a free IVF cycle. I have to do it and do it feeling calm and ok. It’s hard though, it’s stressing me out and pisses me off and I hate that I have to have my life revolve around insurance rules.

So that’s where we’re at. I wish my disappearance was because I was pregnant. It seems like every other day I am finding out about another pregnant friend. It is hard to be happy for them but even harder to not. So I just am (but after a good cry for myself). Facebook continues to be a minefield that can either entertain me or make me want to throw shit. But for some reason I continue to torture myself day after day.

Luckily Phish has decided to play a lot on the east coast, we have been trying to see as many shows as we can afford. As much as I love the music, it also allows my mind to wander and sometimes in ways that tear me to pieces. I had a blast these last 2 nights, but at the same time, almost brokedown and lost my shit multiple times. I don’t know how to be anymore. I feel as torn up sometimes as I was the day we lost Silas. I think these last 2 years I just have figured out how to fake it.  Don’t get me wrong, I do laugh and have fun, but that  layer of loss and sadness is always there. Sometimes I just hide it really, really well.

After having to put down Beans (unbelievable right?), we got new kittens Puck & Purrsephone from a friend.  They are super cute and lovable and definitely have given us something fun to focus on. New life in our home is good.

Somehow there are still people out there reading- which is amazing to me. Thank you for sticking by me, even when I feel like I have given up on myself.  As down as I can get, the hope is still there.  Chris and I are a team, and even when times get tough, we are in this together. We will make sure that we will have our family, and I am going to make it happen in 2011, no matter how or where or what, it will happen.

BFN

That stands for Big Fat Negative for those of you not familiar. I’ve become a regular lurker and sometimes poster on the Resolve fertility message boards. It took me a while to figure that one out, even though I have become quite familiar with the BFN month after month. I was hoping for the good ‘ol BFP but alas, bad news again.

It’s been a tough journey to say the least.  An IVF cycle is challenging on the body, mind and spirit. It takes a toll – especially because it’s a super long process and then getting a BFN out of it, well yeah, that’s just a devastating blow.  The days following those results aren’t so pretty either.

I’ve been in quite a funk since then.  We are trying again, but this time we’re doing a FET (frozen embryo transfer). I’m getting good with all the acronyms and there is quite a lot in this IF world I’m in. This cycle is way easier on my whole being- it’s shorter and way less meds.  I’m not poking myself with needles every day or ingesting tons of hormones that fuck with my moods.

Everyone wants to help me this time around so I am getting some Reiki, some other healing energy work, some bodywork, acupuncture and lots and lots of love. I am working incredibly hard to just stay somewhat relaxed through this cycle.  Luckily we have a few Phish shows in our near future, hopefully the healing power of music will help.

We keep going forward because we have to. I mean we don’t have to, we can choose to stop this whole thing right now and just see if my body decides to cooperate at some point in our future. But I don’t want to wait anymore. I want it yesterday and because I can’t have it yesterday, we have to do everything in our power to make it happen. And even that is a crap shoot as we have now learned.

I have placed my entire future on a perpetual hold. My therapist reminded me today that I need to live each day. You would think that is a pretty easy thing for someone to remember to do, especially for a yogi who’s entire mission is to be present. But I am constantly in the future-

“when I’m finally pregnant, then….” and

“when I finally have my babies, then…”

and it’s all I do these days. This funk I am in has washed over me. I am struggling to work, to be social with friends, to even care about anything else going on. When I think about the oil spill, or Haiti or the inhumane treatment of animals, it tears me apart in ways that may even be unhealthy. I can’t go there because it’s too sad and right now my life is sad enough that I cannot even handle it.

But then somehow I manage to get shit done each day. I dread going to work, but then I see the kids and most of the time they make me laugh or give me hugs or tell me they love me and yeah, that’s why I do what I do. Those moments I sort of forget my funk and my determination to be sad. Or I’ll get an email about a new school, or a new business idea pops into my head and then I dive in and let it take over for a bit.

But even when I can fake it, like I feel like I’m doing most of the time now, I just don’t feel the same anymore. I feel pretty ravaged.

I haven’t written in a while because I really really wanted to write about good news and not the same old shit that keeps happening month after month.  I appreciate those of you who continue to read and comment and stick with me. I don’t think I would have stuck with me after all this time, so kudos to those of you who have.

And dammit, I will have good news soon (there is a smidgen of hope still left in there!)

what if…

I have been procrastinating writing for weeks now, but this amazing project brought me back.  I have had so many thoughts and feelings swirling around in my brain lately, but nothing was forcing me over to my blog to put it out there.

Until tonight, reading through blogs I’ve left behind, blogs I used to read all the time but just haven’t wanted to go to lately. I came across something that I need to be a part of.

It’s been National Infertility Awareness Week and I need to show my support. I am part of the community whether I like it or not.  Reading through this list of What Ifs had me in tears. So many resonated with me but these are the few that I live in every day.

What if I will never get to be a mother?

This is my fear.  I got pregnant pretty easily the first time but then lost my baby Silas Orion to a really difficult delivery. He died 10 hours after he was born.  As a teacher to other people’s children, I have been aching for my own.  I want a child to have Chris’ sense of humor, my laughter, and the curly hair we both share. We came so close and it was taken away. Silas was beautiful and perfect and we’ll never know him. I have so much love to give a child, my child. I am sick of being patient.

What if we didn’t choose to do a homebirth?

This one never goes away. If we chose to birth our baby in the hospital, maybe we would still have him today. We’ll never know. We talk ourselves into believing it could have been worse. Our choice of homebirth still haunts us.

What if I just never get pregnant again?

It’s been a year and a half. Month after month of the negative preg test or getting my period. I’ve become used to it. We’ve done clomid, IUI’s, injectibles- none of which has worked. I am healthy, Chris is healthy, we are among the unexplained. Especially since I got pregnant before without meds. I just turned 39 on Wednesday. I had a wonderful birthday, I made sure of it. Did all the things I wouldn’t have done if I were pregnant (went to nyc & drank, ate sushi, saw Courtney Love rock out in a smokey club) and had a grand ol’ time.

Our Niece was born on my birthday as well. Noa Seda Gallagher came into this world on Apr. 28, named after the cousin she’ll never know. Seda means echo or spirit of the forest. Silas means man of the forest, so it is fitting. It is a beautiful tribute, one that brought me to tears during my birthday lunch.  In the year and a half we’ve been trying to get pregnant again, so many others have had their babies.  Noa and I will have a very special relationship of course, since we share a birthday and she is named after my son. It’s just that her perfect and beautiful birth is another reminder of what we don’t have, and what we want desperately.

This IVF process has actually been ok so far. The meds aren’t making me crazy(yet), my body feels strong & healthy (thanks bootcamp!) and I have been feeling hopeful. Something switched in me though yesterday. I crashed hard after the fun of my birthday. Reality set in. There is a new baby in the family, and here I am in the middle of taking some crazy drugs that will hopefully get me pregnant.

But What if they don’t work?

And I have to do this again and again. I read about women having to do cycle after cycle of this, and I don’t know if I have it in me. It’s been a year of using the meds and I don’t know how much longer I can do it.  I hope I don’t have to.

As per instructions from Mel, we need to end our post on a positive note. So I’ll try these on for size-

What if this one will be the charm and I actually get to be a mom to a living child? What if I actually get to hold my very own newborn baby in my arms in 9 months?

ah, that felt really good.

www.resolve.org/infertility101

www.resolve.org/takecharge.

most important of all

At just past 18 months, it really feels like Silas is slipping away from me. All focus is on this TTC business. But yesterday, 2 kids asked me about him. One of my 5 yr olds, who knew me back when I was pregnant, said,

“Lani, why did your baby die?”

Right in the middle of our yoga class. It really caught me off guard. I told him we can talk about it after the class was done. I just went right on with what I was doing as if nothing was said. It was like a punch to the gut, but I couldn’t let it affect me as I was teaching.

After class, while the kids were putting on their shoes, I just told him that my baby was really sick and that was why he died. I told him that most babies don’t die, and even if you are sick, it doesn’t mean you will die either.

He said “just like my baby sister? She didn’t die.”

I said “yes, just like your baby sister.”

It was a sad conversation, but obviously this little boy is still struggling with the death of my baby. I find it incredibly interesting, but I know this little boy really loves me so maybe he just really doesn’t get why something like this could happen.

The second incident happened with my older kids. I started a new class of 2nd-4th graders. A 9 yr old girl, who doesn’t know me, was looking at the charms on my necklace. She looked at one and asked me what it said.

I said “It says Silas, which is the name of my baby that died.”

she kind of looked at me curiously.

I said “it’s really sad.” pretty matter of factly.

Both she and another student said “yeah, that is really sad.”

Then the conversation was over. We continued with our class. That’s how it is with kids. They ask, get an answer and then move on to the next thing without missing a beat. It just was strange that after all this time, 2 kids would bring it up- one knowingly and the other not.

The other day I went to the park to see Silas’ tree. We never go to the tree, it’s just too hard. But I was in the park for my bootcamp so I figured I’d go see if the bulbs we planted last fall were blooming. There were no buds on the tree and none of the flowers had popped through the earth. I found it so sad and so strange, since all over the place there were flowers blooming like crazy. I was pretty devastated.

Then yesterday I was there again, and what do you know? the tree was full of buds and some daffodils popped through and were blooming beautifully! I really need to go take some pictures. In 3 days, all this change? I don’t get it. Did I somehow look at the wrong tree? I can’t imagine that is possible. I am so perplexed by this – but I don’t really need to question it. I just know that Silas’ tree is starting to bloom and maybe those flowers signify that I will have some new life growing inside me soon as well.

The 2nd round of meds didn’t work so now we have officially begun the IVF process. It takes longer then doing a regular cycle of fertility meds, so the wait is a bit more excruciating. My body is in the resting phase right now, and with it, comes higher doses of hormones that really make me dizzy and nauseous. But it’s not terrible- I can handle it.

My box of very expensive meds will show up on my doorstep soon. With the co-pays being as high as they are- you can just imagine how much these meds really cost. Again, we are super lucky to have this treatment covered by insurance. I feel blessed to be in CT which has a mandate that will cover 2 IVF’s until I’m 40. Good thing we’re doing it this year b/c I’m turning 39 at the end of the month.

So with my not so good news, there has been a lot of really great news for my fellow babylost-  congrats angie, monica & aliza! All 3 gave birth to beautiful little boys.  And with the news of babies being born, also comes the new pregnancy news. One friend who had a baby the same time as me is now pregnant again. You can just imagine how that must feel. But of course I’m thrilled for my friends and of course slightly jealous. How can I not be?

We seemed to have gotten through the letdown better this time. Not sure why, but I just have to be thankful I guess.  Last month was rough and I fully expected it to happen again.  I have so many hormones coursing through my body, it’s amazing I can even function sometimes. But I do, because I am on a mission and I need to stay focused. It has almost become my second job. I spend more time at the clinic then I do anywhere else.  I have a perpetual bruise on my arm from so many blood tests.

While waiting for our results of round 2, we took a trip to Florida to see my parents.  It was super relaxing and really fun. My parents are so wonderful and supportive and just made sure we were happy the whole time. It was a great little getaway. It’s amazing how normal our lives seem on the outside. You see pictures of us and we really look happy. And on occasion, we are really happy.

Tonight we were listening to the Wilco show streaming through the computer. The windows were all open because it’s a super warm night- just like we love. We heard the opening notes of California Stars, our wedding song, and just had to dance and hug each other tight.

Through all this shit, and what it is is total and utter shit, we have each other and that is the most important thing of all.

A Rough Start

This year isn’t starting off the way I imagined it would. Remember our kitty Bandha who I left out in the rain for 5 hours? Well, he has bone cancer in his jaw and has a huge tumor that apparently is very aggressive.

Around the beginning of Dec we started noticing him sticking his tongue out of his mouth all the time. While we found it cute, we started to realize it wasn’t normal. Especially because he was drooling a lot too. So I brought him to the vet. She couldn’t get a good look in there, but gave a pretty definite diagnosis that it was a tumor. We decided against the super expensive biopsy and all that entails because we decided that we wouldn’t treat him anyway. They would have to remove his jaw and then do chemo and really, what kind of quality of life would that be for any of us?

So she gave him an antibiotic shot that lasted 2 weeks in hopes of it just being an infection. 2 weeks later, no change- and it seemed to have gotten worse. We decided to bring him to another vet for a second opinion. This vet said it was definitely cancer in his jaw bone and that it is pretty aggressive. She also gave antibiotics for an infection that had developed in there as well as pain meds.

So now I have been giving him his pain meds which seems to be helping, but he’s not eating much and basically that is when they told us it was time to consider putting him down. So it may be time to say goodbye to our little Bandha.

I have mentally prepared myself for this inevitability. Right after Silas died, when my cats were the only comfort I had, I had to go there. I know as a pet owner that they won’t be there for as long as you want them, that is reality. But Bandha is only 11 and I didn’t think it was his time yet.

I hate to watch him suffer. I think that is the hardest part of all of it. He can’t tell me what he wants or how he feels and I don’t know how to help him. We’ve been giving him all the love we can,  as much as he allows.

People keep asking how our other cat Chumby is handling it. She usually gets annoyed with him being near her and hisses and swats at him. Now, she is just completely ignoring him like he isn’t even here. It’s really strange. She’s still giving me loads of love though, maybe even extra, knowing how sad we are about Bandha.

As far as eating goes- he won’t eat his cat food or the high calorie food the vet gave me (which is driving me nuts – all the open cans that neither of my kitties want to eat- argh!) and instead, will eat only goat cheese! I guess he knows that if his end is near, he may as well go out with a really yummy meal.

what the day brings

I feel that downward spiral coming on. It’s like a black hole, drawing me in deeper and deeper. I know its the meds talking but somehow, even with all my tools of coping, I can’t do it today.  This has been a week of bad luck- of normal everyday things happening, but all at once and what seems like non-stop. My car window was smashed the other day when we were out of town enjoying our Phish concert. More fees on our bank account, my insurance not covering my therapy anymore, even my smoothie pouring out the bottom of the blender just takes me deeper into the abyss.

I hear Chris on the other end of the phone, telling me not to worry about the money, it’s just money. They can’t come get us, it will all work out. I know the money stuff isn’t as big a deal as what we are already dealing with. But compound it with our loss, my fertility woes, the stupid meds, this insane heat and yeah, I crumple.

I sit at my computer, trying to get my fall classes all lined up, flyers made, teacher trainings planned, website fixed and it all doesn’t seem to matter in that moment. My quiet summer has caught up on us now, not too much money coming in, lots of checks owed but haven’t shown up in my mailbox. In 2 weeks time, all of these issues will be moot. I will have parents paying me for the fall, and more work then I think I can even handle.

But right now, this particular moment, it feels like there is no way out of this mess we’re in. I can’t find those coping skills that are buried within me. They are lost in the depths of this pain.

I think with all the year birthdays happening of all the babylost mamas out there, it reminds me that mine is looming up ahead. I feel it hovering, taunting me with each passing day. It’s adding to my anxiety and I’m not sure how to work through it right now.

The only thing I can think of, that may help, is to make an attempt at the Tuesday NY Times crossword puzzle and eat some lunch. And maybe, attempt another smoothie to cool me down.