That stands for Big Fat Negative for those of you not familiar. I’ve become a regular lurker and sometimes poster on the Resolve fertility message boards. It took me a while to figure that one out, even though I have become quite familiar with the BFN month after month. I was hoping for the good ‘ol BFP but alas, bad news again.

It’s been a tough journey to say the least.  An IVF cycle is challenging on the body, mind and spirit. It takes a toll – especially because it’s a super long process and then getting a BFN out of it, well yeah, that’s just a devastating blow.  The days following those results aren’t so pretty either.

I’ve been in quite a funk since then.  We are trying again, but this time we’re doing a FET (frozen embryo transfer). I’m getting good with all the acronyms and there is quite a lot in this IF world I’m in. This cycle is way easier on my whole being- it’s shorter and way less meds.  I’m not poking myself with needles every day or ingesting tons of hormones that fuck with my moods.

Everyone wants to help me this time around so I am getting some Reiki, some other healing energy work, some bodywork, acupuncture and lots and lots of love. I am working incredibly hard to just stay somewhat relaxed through this cycle.  Luckily we have a few Phish shows in our near future, hopefully the healing power of music will help.

We keep going forward because we have to. I mean we don’t have to, we can choose to stop this whole thing right now and just see if my body decides to cooperate at some point in our future. But I don’t want to wait anymore. I want it yesterday and because I can’t have it yesterday, we have to do everything in our power to make it happen. And even that is a crap shoot as we have now learned.

I have placed my entire future on a perpetual hold. My therapist reminded me today that I need to live each day. You would think that is a pretty easy thing for someone to remember to do, especially for a yogi who’s entire mission is to be present. But I am constantly in the future-

“when I’m finally pregnant, then….” and

“when I finally have my babies, then…”

and it’s all I do these days. This funk I am in has washed over me. I am struggling to work, to be social with friends, to even care about anything else going on. When I think about the oil spill, or Haiti or the inhumane treatment of animals, it tears me apart in ways that may even be unhealthy. I can’t go there because it’s too sad and right now my life is sad enough that I cannot even handle it.

But then somehow I manage to get shit done each day. I dread going to work, but then I see the kids and most of the time they make me laugh or give me hugs or tell me they love me and yeah, that’s why I do what I do. Those moments I sort of forget my funk and my determination to be sad. Or I’ll get an email about a new school, or a new business idea pops into my head and then I dive in and let it take over for a bit.

But even when I can fake it, like I feel like I’m doing most of the time now, I just don’t feel the same anymore. I feel pretty ravaged.

I haven’t written in a while because I really really wanted to write about good news and not the same old shit that keeps happening month after month.  I appreciate those of you who continue to read and comment and stick with me. I don’t think I would have stuck with me after all this time, so kudos to those of you who have.

And dammit, I will have good news soon (there is a smidgen of hope still left in there!)

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