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The last few days have been filled with crazy, crazy news.  They found some regrowth in the same tumor spot on little Carly. That enough would make you just want to throw things. Then I got some news about a fellow babylost mom who was pregnant and lost her baby midway through the pregnancy. Really? like, seriously? And then I got some more pregnancy news and then some babies being born news and all these people in my life having their second already since we lost Silas. It’s all just very hard to take, all piled on top of a few days. Somehow I’m still standing.

We are starting IVF again. It’s our 2nd fresh cycle but 3rd altogether since we did that frozen one way back when. We’ve determined this isn’t the be all end all of me getting pregnant. We could not possibly add any more pressure then we already feel going in to this round. If it doesn’t work, we’ll cross that bridge. I’m happy to be in this mind space for this cycle. I know what to expect, I’m not scared, I’m ready.

2 1/2 years out and still trying. How do we stay hopeful? Any suggestions? It’s so hard. I expect not to be pregnant now. It makes the letdown month after month so much easier. I don’t cry much anymore when I get my period. I just expect it. A few weeks back I decided to stop trying so hard. No more acupuncture, herbs, teas, vitamins. I just don’t want to keep putting in effort, time, money, etc when it hasn’t worked. So this month we just said fuck it and whatever happens happens. I’m starting IVF anyway if and when I get my period. We decided to try a new clinic- and this one isn’t having me do a rest down before the cycle. So I just start right with my period. Time to shake things up a little, when things aren’t working, change it up.

I am still having bad days mixed with good days. There are moments where I stop dead in my tracks and think- wait, did my baby really die? I still can’t fathom it sometimes. I also cannot believe I can’t seem to get pregnant. I know everyone in this IF world thinks that- but after our loss, it just seems so unfair. I got pregnant easily the first time, no issues. I wasn’t so young either. How many times can I say this? but its 3 years since Silas was conceived. We’re in that phase of his pregnancy where it was so new and so exciting, but 3 friggin years ago! So long ago. I want to feel that again so badly it hurts.

I am going to do restorative yoga, just like the NY times article said to do.  (yeah yeah I’m a yogi, I should know this but I generally don’t do restorative). I’m going to stay calm and not stress. Even when I’m poking myself with needles day in and day out & driving almost an hour to the clinic at 6:30am on these really cold winter mornings. I’m going to breathe, and relax and take care of myself.  (At least this is my plan).

We now have a few trips planned-  Florida to see my parents, and this is immediately after we find out if this cycle worked. Then we are going to Costa Rica for my 40th and for Chris’ bday and so I can do a teacher training. We also have a trip to Lake Tahoe planned for the summer for a wedding. So all of these trips are something to look forward to, regardless of whether I’m pregnant or not. I have chosen not to add that to the equation anymore. It did me no good when planning for my sister’s wedding. It made it complicated and depressing.

Tomorrow is supposed to be warm, the snow is melting and our parking has reappeared.  Oh, and we have the cutest new kittens – Puck & Purrsephone, have I mentioned that yet? 

I choose to let these little things make me happy these days. It’s all I can do to stay sane.

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Last week I found the lowest of the lows.  I had some bad days in there, days where it felt like I won’t ever feel ok again.

But then here I am, feeling ok. Very ok even. I allowed myself to go there, to sink deep in the sadness, in order to feel the highs, the joy and the fun.

Last Thursday was a crazy day. I had to rush from one school to the next, all day long. I went from here to there and back again. My last class was at a yoga center and I taught until 5:30. The problem was that I needed to make a 5:56 train to NYC to make an 8:00 Phish show. I had some new students coming, so leaving early wasn’t a possibility. The owner of the studio offered to drive me to the train, and promised she’d get me there on time.

All week I had worked hard to figure out how I could make this train. I bought my ticket the day before. I scoped out places to possibly park my car if I drove myself. I asked some friends for a ride based on the possibility of leaving early. When Jen offered me the ride, I accepted knowing full well that we may not make it.

When I got in the car and the time drew closer and closer to 5:56, I was actually very calm. Jen, who promised to get me there on time- she was the one who was so nervous! I just thought to myself-

“If I don’t make it, no big deal.”

I had to. Otherwise I was setting myself up for a huge disappointment. And we all know how that goes. These days I find that I am talking myself into and out of all sorts of things in order to cope.

But, I made it, out of breath and with minutes to spare.  The train ride turned out to be as relaxing as it gets. After such a long day & the possibility of missing it, I was positively giddy! I did my crosswords, listened to the previous nights show on my ipod and just chilled out.

When I arrived, I had exactly 20 min to get from Grand Central to MSG. The race was on! Somehow, public transportation got me there meeting Chris inside as the opening notes began to play. By the time we got to our seats, I was so raring to go and thrilled that I pulled it off!

I had a great night. The music naturally takes my mind to places I sometimes don’t want to go. Like in Albany. Not this time- I made sure of it.

I had been so nervous that my downward spiral was just that. I really believed I would never get back out. That night I made a conscious choice to feel good and it worked.

The next day was also a lot of fun. We went and did a coffee cupping at the distributor where Chris buys his green beans to roast up for all his accounts.  A coffee cupping is kind of like a wine tasting. There is a whole methodology to it and I’m learning so much more about coffee then I’d ever imagined!

The show Friday night blew Thursdays out of the water. It was unbelievable, they were on fire. They played everything I wanted to hear, and it was just a perfect night of letting loose. Letting all the piles of shit fall off my shoulders as I danced my ass off.

Don’t get me wrong, all is not perfect right now. Far from it. The point is that I can still go there. I can find that joy- the fun, the place where I don’t feel like my world is caving in on me. I started getting nervous that I may not be able to do that.

I look back on how awful it felt to hear the news, and then how I needed to process it in order to feel ok with it. I’m sure that for some time, as long as I’m not pregnant, it will still be hard. All that matters is that today I don’t feel like I’m buried, unable to come up for air.

Something really crazy happened today.

A friend mentioned to me that “wow, it’s been 11 months already.”

I had to look at the calendar to realize that today is the 25th and marks the 11th month. I haven’t been paying attention to the dates. I guess I’m just focused on next month, that this one just went right over my head.

It upsets me though. I am so focused on getting pregnant, that I’m forgetting to think about my little baby who is gone. Who is not here with me right this second. It’s a tough spot, one in which I don’t feel too comfortable. I’m still working on the holding on to Silas getting pregnant with a new baby conundrum. It’s hard to do both. Because of that, I guess I let this important date slip by.

We watered Silas’ tree yesterday. Chris said how both terrible and satisfying it felt to do it. His tree is so beautiful and perfect, but in most ways it’s not comforting at all. It makes me sick to my stomach actually. I should not have a tree instead of my baby.

Today, some of my sweet little girls patted my belly and asked about my baby. These are my 4-5 yr olds who I teach yoga to- who I taught all last year when I was pregnant and who I still continue to teach now.  They know what happened but obviously still don’t get it.

One of them said “is your baby in your belly?”

I said “no, there is no baby in my belly.”

you will soon?”

I said, “yes, hopefully I will have a baby growing inside soon, I’ll let you know when I do, I promise.”

It’s in these moments that I feel the most raw. I get inside these little minds and understand how they don’t get it. How I can be pregnant, deliver a baby, but not have my baby? It makes no sense.  Their innocent questioning always knocks me over. I stay strong though, I have to. I answer like it’s totally normal and ok. The teachers usually look up in horror with their jaws dropped open. They never know what to say.

Last week was a really bad week. I was completely shut down, unable to cope with what life threw at me. This week has started a little better. I feel ok, able to answer challenging questions, communicate with my amazing husband and just take care of myself.

It’s so crazy but my crossword puzzle addiction is really helping. It is something I’m focusing on and feeling good when I complete one. It’s altogether just satisfying. I will take the satisfying over anything else right now.

I feel that downward spiral coming on. It’s like a black hole, drawing me in deeper and deeper. I know its the meds talking but somehow, even with all my tools of coping, I can’t do it today.  This has been a week of bad luck- of normal everyday things happening, but all at once and what seems like non-stop. My car window was smashed the other day when we were out of town enjoying our Phish concert. More fees on our bank account, my insurance not covering my therapy anymore, even my smoothie pouring out the bottom of the blender just takes me deeper into the abyss.

I hear Chris on the other end of the phone, telling me not to worry about the money, it’s just money. They can’t come get us, it will all work out. I know the money stuff isn’t as big a deal as what we are already dealing with. But compound it with our loss, my fertility woes, the stupid meds, this insane heat and yeah, I crumple.

I sit at my computer, trying to get my fall classes all lined up, flyers made, teacher trainings planned, website fixed and it all doesn’t seem to matter in that moment. My quiet summer has caught up on us now, not too much money coming in, lots of checks owed but haven’t shown up in my mailbox. In 2 weeks time, all of these issues will be moot. I will have parents paying me for the fall, and more work then I think I can even handle.

But right now, this particular moment, it feels like there is no way out of this mess we’re in. I can’t find those coping skills that are buried within me. They are lost in the depths of this pain.

I think with all the year birthdays happening of all the babylost mamas out there, it reminds me that mine is looming up ahead. I feel it hovering, taunting me with each passing day. It’s adding to my anxiety and I’m not sure how to work through it right now.

The only thing I can think of, that may help, is to make an attempt at the Tuesday NY Times crossword puzzle and eat some lunch. And maybe, attempt another smoothie to cool me down.

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