I feel that downward spiral coming on. It’s like a black hole, drawing me in deeper and deeper. I know its the meds talking but somehow, even with all my tools of coping, I can’t do it today.  This has been a week of bad luck- of normal everyday things happening, but all at once and what seems like non-stop. My car window was smashed the other day when we were out of town enjoying our Phish concert. More fees on our bank account, my insurance not covering my therapy anymore, even my smoothie pouring out the bottom of the blender just takes me deeper into the abyss.

I hear Chris on the other end of the phone, telling me not to worry about the money, it’s just money. They can’t come get us, it will all work out. I know the money stuff isn’t as big a deal as what we are already dealing with. But compound it with our loss, my fertility woes, the stupid meds, this insane heat and yeah, I crumple.

I sit at my computer, trying to get my fall classes all lined up, flyers made, teacher trainings planned, website fixed and it all doesn’t seem to matter in that moment. My quiet summer has caught up on us now, not too much money coming in, lots of checks owed but haven’t shown up in my mailbox. In 2 weeks time, all of these issues will be moot. I will have parents paying me for the fall, and more work then I think I can even handle.

But right now, this particular moment, it feels like there is no way out of this mess we’re in. I can’t find those coping skills that are buried within me. They are lost in the depths of this pain.

I think with all the year birthdays happening of all the babylost mamas out there, it reminds me that mine is looming up ahead. I feel it hovering, taunting me with each passing day. It’s adding to my anxiety and I’m not sure how to work through it right now.

The only thing I can think of, that may help, is to make an attempt at the Tuesday NY Times crossword puzzle and eat some lunch. And maybe, attempt another smoothie to cool me down.

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