I have been procrastinating writing for weeks now, but this amazing project brought me back.  I have had so many thoughts and feelings swirling around in my brain lately, but nothing was forcing me over to my blog to put it out there.

Until tonight, reading through blogs I’ve left behind, blogs I used to read all the time but just haven’t wanted to go to lately. I came across something that I need to be a part of.

It’s been National Infertility Awareness Week and I need to show my support. I am part of the community whether I like it or not.  Reading through this list of What Ifs had me in tears. So many resonated with me but these are the few that I live in every day.

What if I will never get to be a mother?

This is my fear.  I got pregnant pretty easily the first time but then lost my baby Silas Orion to a really difficult delivery. He died 10 hours after he was born.  As a teacher to other people’s children, I have been aching for my own.  I want a child to have Chris’ sense of humor, my laughter, and the curly hair we both share. We came so close and it was taken away. Silas was beautiful and perfect and we’ll never know him. I have so much love to give a child, my child. I am sick of being patient.

What if we didn’t choose to do a homebirth?

This one never goes away. If we chose to birth our baby in the hospital, maybe we would still have him today. We’ll never know. We talk ourselves into believing it could have been worse. Our choice of homebirth still haunts us.

What if I just never get pregnant again?

It’s been a year and a half. Month after month of the negative preg test or getting my period. I’ve become used to it. We’ve done clomid, IUI’s, injectibles- none of which has worked. I am healthy, Chris is healthy, we are among the unexplained. Especially since I got pregnant before without meds. I just turned 39 on Wednesday. I had a wonderful birthday, I made sure of it. Did all the things I wouldn’t have done if I were pregnant (went to nyc & drank, ate sushi, saw Courtney Love rock out in a smokey club) and had a grand ol’ time.

Our Niece was born on my birthday as well. Noa Seda Gallagher came into this world on Apr. 28, named after the cousin she’ll never know. Seda means echo or spirit of the forest. Silas means man of the forest, so it is fitting. It is a beautiful tribute, one that brought me to tears during my birthday lunch.  In the year and a half we’ve been trying to get pregnant again, so many others have had their babies.  Noa and I will have a very special relationship of course, since we share a birthday and she is named after my son. It’s just that her perfect and beautiful birth is another reminder of what we don’t have, and what we want desperately.

This IVF process has actually been ok so far. The meds aren’t making me crazy(yet), my body feels strong & healthy (thanks bootcamp!) and I have been feeling hopeful. Something switched in me though yesterday. I crashed hard after the fun of my birthday. Reality set in. There is a new baby in the family, and here I am in the middle of taking some crazy drugs that will hopefully get me pregnant.

But What if they don’t work?

And I have to do this again and again. I read about women having to do cycle after cycle of this, and I don’t know if I have it in me. It’s been a year of using the meds and I don’t know how much longer I can do it.  I hope I don’t have to.

As per instructions from Mel, we need to end our post on a positive note. So I’ll try these on for size-

What if this one will be the charm and I actually get to be a mom to a living child? What if I actually get to hold my very own newborn baby in my arms in 9 months?

ah, that felt really good.