Sally Kempton, a tantric meditation teacher, shared that with us in my class with her at the sf yoga journal conference. Obviously it struck quite a cord with me. I’ve been thinking of this statement as I go through my days. Fighting the feeling to let my loss and continuous pregnancy struggles get me down.
But I’ve been feeling so lonely these days. I miss Bandha and his neediness. I don’t have a 17 month old tearing up the place like I should. There is a never-ending emptiness that can’t even be filled with all the fun we try to fill it with.
My trip to SF was just that- a complete whirlwind and pure fun. I spent tons of time from one end of the city to the other, meeting friends for lunch, dinner, bars, hospitals, you name it. I ate so well and drank lots of cali wine. I took yoga, meditation, pranayama & acroyoga classes at the conference. It was a blast. I went from friend to friend, place to place and did everything I could have wanted and more. I am lucky to have had the opportunity and I have the greatest group of friends ever.
Meeting Paige and Aliza was incredible. From the second we met, I felt like we were old friends. It was really easy- us babylost mamas speak a language that only we share. Meeting Sev was awesome. I loved holding him and smelling him and taking in the new-babyness. I need that in my life. I don’t do that, I haven’t done it since losing Silas and I felt it was time. I am finding myself opening up to babies and pregnancy. I’ve shielded myself from it for a long time, for protection which is truly understandable. But I’m over it- so over it. So tired of being angry and sad – this trip helped open me up to the parts of myself that I miss.
I spent the following week after my trip pretty much on the couch every night. I crashed and crashed hard. I found it hard to do much else besides lay around and watch tv. The effort to fill my void with goodness truly took its toll when I came back to the loneliness I was escaping. Don’t get me wrong, having Chris to come back to was the best. I missed him so much while I was away, it was hard to be out there without him! We are a team – more then ever, and without him I don’t feel whole. But there is a void that is hard to escape, and it fills our lives so profoundly.
I am working hard to meditate on this statement and rise above the shit we’ve been handed. What other choice do we have really? In so many ways we do have so much, and I need to recognize that as much as possible. There are so many out there rooting for us and its amazing. It is very powerful and it propels me forward and out of bed every day. With Chumby being exceptionally snuggly these days, it really has become so hard for the both of us to get up in the morning.
Chumby has definitely changed since we put Bandha down. She is all over us, both of us now. She is way more lovey with Chris then ever and it’s so sweet. It used to be all about me, but now she wants to snuggle with him too. We are planning on getting another kitty for her to torture- just waiting for the right time. A new cat will definitely help fill the void here and piss Chumby off so bad, but I do think she is lonely too.
We’ve started the injectible fertility meds. I don’t really want to go into too much detail about the timing of it all. The only thing I’ll ask is that you cross your fingers that the lucky socks will work their magic when the time comes!
17 comments
Comments feed for this article
February 12, 2010 at 7:21 pm
TracyOC
You sound ready. I hope the universe is listening. Go lucky socks!
February 12, 2010 at 9:02 pm
Mira
Sending you all the good ju-ju I have…
February 12, 2010 at 9:47 pm
Danielle
I’ll have to think hard about that one- I certainly get the fall part. The rise is harder.
Hope injectibles are causing minimal chaos. Sending support and love.
February 12, 2010 at 10:04 pm
JamieW
Wishing you lots of luck from the lucky socks and lots of peace along this journey.
February 13, 2010 at 3:56 am
Paige
I loved having you over, wish it could happen more often. I’m crossing literally everything I have for you Lani, and crossing so very hard. Much love to you, mama.
February 13, 2010 at 5:15 am
forwardtumble
crossing toes and fingers over here and an extra portion of leprechaun luck!
xx Ines
February 14, 2010 at 11:23 am
Angie
Go socks!
February 14, 2010 at 5:44 pm
Mariah
Crossing my fingers for you daily Lani! I think our date may have brought you some luck too 🙂 XO
February 14, 2010 at 5:46 pm
aliza
it was so good to meet you and spend time with you in person lani.
(even though i look awful in that picture!)
i can imagine the crash coming back as well, after such a whirlwind. and the loneliness…
sending you love and crossing my fingers
wish we were closer
xoxo
February 15, 2010 at 5:17 am
afteriris
Sending lots of love and good sock vibes.
x
February 15, 2010 at 12:33 pm
Kristina
Wishing you nothing but the best, Lani. You have a good outlook. Hoping your lonely days are numbered. ((HUGS))
February 16, 2010 at 5:57 pm
Michele
My fingers are crossed and I am praying for all good things.
February 17, 2010 at 3:57 am
Rachel
*crossed*..with lots of love! xxx
February 17, 2010 at 1:11 pm
Heather
SO happy that you were able to make the trip West! I loved every minute of spending time with you, but alas, it makes me miss you guys even more! Sending love and big hugs…can’t wait ’til we can hang again.
February 17, 2010 at 2:57 pm
Jody
I too will keep everything crossed that the “lucky socks” work. I too am a victim of infertility and after 6 1/2 years many drugs, one failed IVF and 1 round IUI we finally had our “miricle” baby. Never give up hope, I never did, I knew someday it would have to work. Best of Luck!
February 18, 2010 at 3:19 pm
Deena
Thinking of you and sending positive vibes your way. I hope the injectibles aren’t messing with you too badly!
February 19, 2010 at 2:18 am
sally
love you, lani. sorry i’ve been absent. stupid computer!
sending hugs.
xo