I am finding that I cannot relate to most of the blogs out there like I used to. We were all in the same place at one time, having just lost our babies and working hard together to find some solace in that darkness. But now? Most have gone on to have their subsequent children and some are pregnant about to have their 2nd or even 3rd (for those who already had a child before their loss).

I lost my son at full term, 10 hours after he was born due to loss of oxygen. I don’t have a living child at home, and I’m not pregnant. We’ve been trying for over a year now, which would naturally connect me to the others struggling with IF. But not too many have also carried a baby to term, only to lose this child after it had been born. So while I am part of the loss crowd, I’ve now entered the IF crowd and I don’t really fit into either so nicely anymore.

It’s a terrible feeling and I’m not sure what to do with it. I miss my friends, I miss what they have to say. But it’s painful to read about the pregnancy woes, the sleepless nights, all the things I would give anything to have right about now. So I don’t go there. I know everyone’s shit is relative to their own life. I know when I finally get pregnant, it will be hard. But right this second, I want that shit. I want the sleepless nights, I want everything that comes with having a new baby. I’ve waited long enough.

I’m so done with this phase, this in between place of not having my baby and no possibility that I can see. I believe it will happen, and maybe even soon. But this moment, I don’t have a due date, I don’t have a glimmer of hope or a light at the end of this dark, dark tunnel.

I know that this next pregnancy will be different. I know that the question “Is this your first?” will get tiresome. I know that I will be more worried then I was the first time. But I also know that I would do pretty much anything at this point to be there, that I’ll take all of it. I’ll take all the questions, all the discomfort, all the worries, the tiredness and not wanting to cook. Seriously, is all of this too much to ask for?

So anyway, thanks for listening.  The positivity and hopefulness is still there most of the time, It’s who I am. But sometimes a good vent is what I need to get through my day.

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