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The last few days have been filled with crazy, crazy news.  They found some regrowth in the same tumor spot on little Carly. That enough would make you just want to throw things. Then I got some news about a fellow babylost mom who was pregnant and lost her baby midway through the pregnancy. Really? like, seriously? And then I got some more pregnancy news and then some babies being born news and all these people in my life having their second already since we lost Silas. It’s all just very hard to take, all piled on top of a few days. Somehow I’m still standing.

We are starting IVF again. It’s our 2nd fresh cycle but 3rd altogether since we did that frozen one way back when. We’ve determined this isn’t the be all end all of me getting pregnant. We could not possibly add any more pressure then we already feel going in to this round. If it doesn’t work, we’ll cross that bridge. I’m happy to be in this mind space for this cycle. I know what to expect, I’m not scared, I’m ready.

2 1/2 years out and still trying. How do we stay hopeful? Any suggestions? It’s so hard. I expect not to be pregnant now. It makes the letdown month after month so much easier. I don’t cry much anymore when I get my period. I just expect it. A few weeks back I decided to stop trying so hard. No more acupuncture, herbs, teas, vitamins. I just don’t want to keep putting in effort, time, money, etc when it hasn’t worked. So this month we just said fuck it and whatever happens happens. I’m starting IVF anyway if and when I get my period. We decided to try a new clinic- and this one isn’t having me do a rest down before the cycle. So I just start right with my period. Time to shake things up a little, when things aren’t working, change it up.

I am still having bad days mixed with good days. There are moments where I stop dead in my tracks and think- wait, did my baby really die? I still can’t fathom it sometimes. I also cannot believe I can’t seem to get pregnant. I know everyone in this IF world thinks that- but after our loss, it just seems so unfair. I got pregnant easily the first time, no issues. I wasn’t so young either. How many times can I say this? but its 3 years since Silas was conceived. We’re in that phase of his pregnancy where it was so new and so exciting, but 3 friggin years ago! So long ago. I want to feel that again so badly it hurts.

I am going to do restorative yoga, just like the NY times article said to do.  (yeah yeah I’m a yogi, I should know this but I generally don’t do restorative). I’m going to stay calm and not stress. Even when I’m poking myself with needles day in and day out & driving almost an hour to the clinic at 6:30am on these really cold winter mornings. I’m going to breathe, and relax and take care of myself.  (At least this is my plan).

We now have a few trips planned-  Florida to see my parents, and this is immediately after we find out if this cycle worked. Then we are going to Costa Rica for my 40th and for Chris’ bday and so I can do a teacher training. We also have a trip to Lake Tahoe planned for the summer for a wedding. So all of these trips are something to look forward to, regardless of whether I’m pregnant or not. I have chosen not to add that to the equation anymore. It did me no good when planning for my sister’s wedding. It made it complicated and depressing.

Tomorrow is supposed to be warm, the snow is melting and our parking has reappeared.  Oh, and we have the cutest new kittens – Puck & Purrsephone, have I mentioned that yet? 

I choose to let these little things make me happy these days. It’s all I can do to stay sane.

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~I am getting one of the pairs of  lucky socks!!! Thank you Statia & Helen- it’s much appreciated. Thank you all who voted for me, you guys are all super awesome. We met with our RE today and it has been decided to try the injectibles before heading straight to IVF. So that’s where we’re at right now. These socks will definitely come in handy.

~More happy news- Paige, who lost her son Cayden a year ago this month, just gave birth to Severin Cayden yesterday! Little Sev now shares a birthday with Carly who turned 2.  Carly and her parents are home now after another stint in the hospital and we’re hoping she gets time to heal for good.

~Bandha is the same as he’s been the last week. No better no worse. I keep giving him the meds and hope that he’s not in pain. He continues to eat and want to go outside, so I guess it’s all about waiting and watching.

~In 2 weeks I’m going to visit SF for the Yoga Journal Conference!  I really wanted to go this year so I applied for a scholarship that they offer- it’s really expensive to attend these yoga conferences. I have taught kids classes at them in the past and also attended them when they were more affordable to me. This year I knew I needed a trip out to SF to see my friends and meet with my teachers, and I knew I needed to go to this conference. So I applied for the scholarship and got it. I beyond excited (I even had a dream about it this morning!)

While I am there, I get to meet Paige and little Sev as well as Aliza. I can’t wait.  In the midst of all this crappiness, it’s nice to have something fun to look forward to.

It’s been another rough week for Brad, Christa and Carly. Send them over some love today if you can.

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