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I cannot believe it’s been almost 3 years since the birth and death of my first born son. Our lives would have been so different had we had a 3 year old running around here.  I miss Silas, the promise of Silas, what could have been our amazing little boy.  I feel cheated of his life and what these last 3 years could have been. Of course we made the best of it, in all the ways that we could. We have amazing people in our lives that are supportive and awesome which has helped. I write here often of all the things we do to make our lives full and fun, but a piece of our hearts will always be missing, despite what we try to do to find that happiness.

This year feels different now that I’m pregnant. Last year we were apart for this weekend. I was traveling out west and Chris was here at home. It was hard on both of us, and we promised not to let something like that happen again.  With the beginning of Sept comes the natural anxiety.  It brings us both instantly back to this time 3 years ago, waiting for our baby to be born. All the things we had to do to get ready, the weather changing and with it a change of seasons. It’s really strange how much our bodies just sense this timing and naturally react to it. This week in particular I’ve been overly emotional. Today I woke up just pissed. I didn’t feel like getting up, going to teach, and really doing much of anything. I still feel mopey and sad and knew that a blog post was important to help me get through it.

This last month has been emotional on so many levels. Chris definitely feels like he is powerless and thus needs to try to protect me as much as possible. I’m sure it’s hard for the guys to have to sit back and watch this unfold, without being able to control every move we make. I go about my day, teaching, driving, cooking, etc and just hope for the best. I hope that I don’t slip and fall, or get in a car accident, or do anything that could take away this precious life inside me. Chris watches me with bated breath, still wishing he could use that bubble wrap and keep me protected from harm until this little guy lands screaming in our arms. Since that is not practical, and yes, I have to live my life, we just try to work it out, communicate our fears and needs, and breathe that big sigh of relief that we got through another day.

We are close to picking our baby’s birthdate which feels awesome and weird at the same time. I had a Dr. appt today and a date is being requested, but they can’t schedule until 32 weeks, and I’m at almost 31.  I can’t even believe sometimes how my whole perception of birth has changed since losing Silas. I am thrilled to be with doctors (though I love the 2 midwives in the group too),  can’t wait to deliver in a hospital, and am truly looking forward to my scheduled c-section. I want a healthy, live, screaming baby and if this is how it’s done, I’m all for it.

So here we are, just patiently waiting for our first real live baby in our arms. I feel so close I can taste it, but man, 8 more weeks! arghhh!! I’m so ready for this. Every single day, I look at my belly and give thanks. I still cannot believe it- that I am really pregnant, and that it’s almost time to deliver this miracle child. With all the fertility treatments we went through, I feel like this babe inside me is truly a ray of sunshine that we worked so hard for. Every little kick reminds me of that, every day.

Despite all that, I do complain sometimes, even though I said I wouldn’t! Pregnancy is hard on my body- I tire easily, my feet get swollen, I’m uncomfortable as can be, I sleep poorly. Chris is quick to remind me how much we wanted this, but sometimes I can’t help myself!! I am truly thrilled, of course, but I am ready though. This baby feels like 4 years in the making- which is a hell of a long time to wait for a baby.

The hardest part though lately has been answering the question-

“Is this your first?”

It happens up to 5 times a day. Most of the time I say yes, just to make it easier on all of us. But I feel terrible about it every single time. In some ways I want everyone to know about Silas, but I know it’s just not appropriate to share what happened sometimes. I don’t think it will ever be easy, regardless of how I answer. It’s always followed up with a truly uncomfortable conversation that I really don’t want to have.

To get through this tough weekend, we made sure to make awesome plans. We are going to NYC and walking the Highline, meeting up with friends, seeing Wilco at Summerstage in Central Park, staying with my brother and sis in law who have all kinds of fun planned for us all weekend. The anticipation leading up is always harder then the actual day. That seems to be true each year. Maybe somehow my body knows though, that even though Sept 25 was the day I gave birth, it was a Thursday, so today was really the day it all went down. I just want to be sad and melancholy today, it just feels right.

As always, thank you for all your support, those who read, and those who read and comment. I am not much of a blog reader these days, but I truly appreciate that there are so many of you who still read and comment and follow our story.  I may find myself writing more and more as the time gets closer to baby, and as the anxiety & excitement increases.

So please light a candle for our little Silas Orion on Sunday, look up to his stars, and give your kids a hug for us. xo

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