4 Years Later

This is a post that has been swirling around my head for weeks now. Time is a major factor now, choices have to be made when I have a few minutes of free time. Shower? Eat? Clean? Work? Chill? It’s amazing how all those things that seem important just aren’t when choices have to be made over what to do when I have 45 min to myself. But today, writing this post is most important.

The build up to Silas’ birth/death day has been looming since mid August. September has taken on a new meaning for us- the change of seasons just brings anxiety and sadness instead of excitement and relief. It has such a physical and emotional effect, we don’t even need to talk about it. Once it happens, we just give each other that knowing look. Yeah, it’s here again.

I’ve spent most of this month bringing Zephyr over to Silas’ tree. I have some beautiful pix of him sitting there, playing with sticks and leaves. This has been an important ritual for me after Zephyr plays on the swings. It’s been just something I do now. But it’s just so sad. No time passing will ever take away the woulda coulda shoulda’s. They are just as present today as they were Sept 26, 2008. 20 years from now, I will feel this loss as much as I feel it today. This I know.

Zephyr will never have his older brother and it breaks my heart. I am often just astounded that this happened to us. Especially when I look at what an amazing little creature Zephyr is. He is perfect in every way (even when he refuses to nap or wakes 4 times through the night!) and I think about how many of these traits his older brother would have had too. I sometimes think that Zeph has some little brother characteristics in him- like somehow he knew that’s what he was supposed to be. He is often fearless- diving off the bed or climbing on everything he sees. He is adventurous, chatty, funny, observant and super sweet. Don’t get me wrong, there are tantrums – this is a kid that knows what he wants.  But he is just a delight and I wouldn’t want to spend my time with anyone else.

Tomorrow we will go plant some bulbs at the tree, because we need to honor our little Silas with some new life. Zephyr will never take the place of our first born. He brings complete and utter joy to our lives, but the hole in our hearts from the loss of our first will never be filled completely.

Right Where I am Project 2012: 3 yrs, 8 months, 2 days

I’ve been wanting to write for weeks now, but life with a 6 month old doesn’t afford you much free time. I saw that my good friend Angie posted this project again and it just seemed like the perfect excuse to sit down and write. I’ve had a lot of thoughts about Silas and I am ready to get them down. I just re-read my post from last year when I had been newly pregnant. I remember clearly feeling such anxiety after having had a bleeding scare and thinking “holy shit, I could actually lose this pregnancy right now.”

It was a great post, one that felt important for me to write. After losing Silas, I had grieved for a long time and then tried to put it aside to focus on getting pregnant. That took most of my energy for the next almost 2 years. It felt like I was betraying Silas in a way but it was all I had room for. The pregnancy was a tough one though, fraught with worry at every twist and turn. We were completely teetering on the edge, that’s what it felt like every second. I wanted to believe that it couldn’t possibly happen again, but I know way too much in this babylost world. I knew my odds were pretty good to have a live, healthy baby, but then again I was on the wrong side of the odds the first time. So really, anything could happen and I wasn’t quite sure of anything. All I was sure of was that I wanted this baby more then anything in my life.

But here I am, with 6 month old Zephyr Rigel who is the most amazing little guy. He’s perfect in every way, and our lives are forever transformed because of him. I knew I would love being a mom, but it was always a dream. Sometimes it doesn’t feel real, that I get to parent this living, breathing, beautiful human. He’s mine and we created him. It has taken so long to finally get to this point where I have a baby in my arms that I stare at him and kiss his face a zillion times a day to make sure it’s real.

This post though isn’t about Zephyr, it’s about his older brother Silas who I miss terribly. I miss his being the older brother that Zephyr will never know. I will sometimes mention him to Zephyr, knowing that one day that conversation will really have to happen. I miss him when I see my friend’s kids who were born around the same time. That will probably always make me sad, forever. I get a lump in my throat when I’m around those kids- it’s something I can’t seem to shake.

When I was pregnant again, the question “is this your first?” was the hardest. It made me think of Silas every time and how I should answer. I changed it up depending on how I felt at the time. I liked to mention him, so I did often. It felt right. It didn’t happen every time,  just when it felt appropriate and I got good at giving my answer. That’s how often it was asked. I believe Silas was with me during the pregnancy, and his presence was felt when I heard his little brother let out his first cry. The cry that Silas never made, came out doubly loud with his brother. He made sure we knew he was alive and well, and it truly was the best sound I have heard in my life. I get the chills just thinking about it.

When Zephyr was born, I think he looked like that picture we have of Silas. I think about all the pieces of Silas we’ll never know and hope that his baby brother is carrying on some of those traits.  Traits like the infectious laugh when we make silly sounds at him or sing his name, his constantly moving legs, or his insane focus when trying to get that toy exactly right in his mouth. His eyebrows are super expressive. I like to think Silas may have had the same ones. It’s hard to tell though, the live memory of him has faded. We only have a few pictures and I never took enough time to study him like I should have. When I think about him, I think about that picture. I wish I knew his feet as well as I know Zephyr’s. I love his feet, I am always playing with them, knowing they will be way larger then mine one day. Boys feet start off so sweet and innocent but grow to be something so completely not! I am savoring them while they are still small and cute.

I think I may be too tired and too busy to grieve his loss most days. This moment when I think about him it makes me angry mostly and of course really sad. Angry for a loss that never should have happened. Angry that my baby doesn’t get a brother, that we don’t have 2 sons and our parents are missing a grandson. I am sad too. But mostly I feel joy for the baby I have now, for his beautiful and pure life that we get to experience every second of every day. As heartbroken and devastated as we are about Silas, that is how ecstatic and in love I am now about Zephyr.

Mommyhood

I had a recent request for an update and I’ve been meaning to do that so here it is! I just love love love being a mom. Zephyr is really the sweetest, most awesome baby. He amazes us every day- I just can’t get over how lucky we really are. I am overwhelmed for sure, back to work, taking care of Zeph, dealing with life in general. But that awfulness we have felt for the last 3 years has melted with this new light in our lives. I think about Silas almost every day- his name is on the tip of my tongue when I say Zephyr’s name. He is missed and should be here but Zeph just makes it all feel so much better. We didn’t know it could be possible, but it’s true.

Some moments I feel like I’ve been a mom forever and then I think, holy shit, he’s only 12 weeks. How is that possible this amazing little guy has only been with us for 12 weeks? He fills me up so completely. These last 2 weeks I started easing my way back to teaching. It’s been a tough transition but it’s also not a full time thing. I can leave for a few hours in the morning and leave Zeph with Chris and then I’m home by noon. Most of the time Zeph is napping  so he barely even knows I’m gone.

I had a few issues with breastfeeding at the beginning, but pushed through and it has been going really well since then. I worked with a group of pediatricians who are breastfeeding specialists and they helped me through those tough weeks. We had to supplement a little because he wasn’t gaining enough weight – and at the time, it was awful for me. Now I look at it and it was a blip-  it was only about 10 days and  he was back to just breastfeeding so fast! It really was just what he and I needed to make the breastfeeding work. He took the bottle pretty easily back then, but since we very rarely had to give him a bottle after that, he doesn’t seem to want it now. This could end up being a problem, but we’ll keep trying. Any advice on that is greatly appreciated! Now he is so pudgy and healthy I can’t even believe he was that scrawny little thing at the beginning.

I took a yoga class the other day for the first time since I was pregnant. It was awesome and felt great-  though there were body parts that haven’t stretched like that in a really long time and they were not so happy. I’ve been nervous to start exercising again- I guess having the endlessly sore and full boobs makes it a little scary. And because it’s been so long. But yoga is the perfect way to ease my body back into exercise, then I’ll push it a little harder little by little. I brought him with me to meet everyone and had someone watch him at the studio while I took my class. Of course I heard him screaming right before sivasana so I left the class early- I couldn’t handle it! Definitely the last time I bring him there like that, it was too hard to let go.

It really is all such a balancing act! Taking care of him and making sure to take care of myself (not to mention Chris and the 3 kitties!)  But Chris and I have been working like a team an it makes a huge difference. We pick up the slack for each other, even during the time I was at home all day and he was working. There were days I felt like I didn’t get off the couch for hours!!  I’m definitely not a napping kind of person so while Zeph would sleep, I cleaned and did stuff that needed to get done. It has worked for us so far. I get a good nights sleep most nights b/c Zeph sleeps with me. It just seems to work for us and we both wake up in the morning feeling well rested. Chris is sleeping in another room for now and hopefully once Z sleeps through the night he’ll be back. Now we start him in this sleeper-rocker thing that he loves and in the middle of the night he stays with me after I nurse him. I love waking up with this little body next to me in my arms. It is the best feeling in the world.

I will leave this with a few of my favorite Zeph pix from the last 3 months…

  

Zephyr Rigel Gallagher

Our little love bug is finally here! Zeph was born on Friday Nov 18 at 8:15 am weighing in at 6lbs 13oz. His screams were truly the best sound I’ve ever heard and brought us both to tears. I’ve been waiting for this for what seems like forever- the cries of my baby, him being placed on my chest, attached to my breast, snuggled up on top of me. It all seems surreal, like one beautiful dream. But it’s not, it’s real.

Zeph is the cutest baby ever (yes, I know all parents say that). He is a screamer, a snuggler, and a good sleeper which has been wonderful. He keeps us guessing and on our toes.

Zephyr means west wind. Rigel was named for my grandma Ruth in the jewish tradition and is also the brightest star in Orion. Silas is with us and a part of him.

Thank you for sticking by us these last 3 years. It has been one hell of a journey, but we made it. Now we can finally exhale.

The Countdown has Begun!

So here we are, less then 3 weeks til my scheduled C-section. The date is November 18 and I couldn’t be more excited, anxious, scared, and ready.  I’m pretty much either feeling his movements or contractions almost all the time now. At my last visit, my doctor couldn’t feel the cervix and he’s not head down, so I’m definitely not ready yet. Though Chris believes I’m going to go into labor any moment!

I got my first non-stress test the other day and they had me hooked up for 2 hours monitoring my contractions.  It was a bit crazy, but  since they weren’t painful, they said it’s all good and sent me on my way. The ultrasound showed the little guy lying transverse (across my belly) sitting with his legs crossed. He’s already a yogi!! He must hear me when I tell the kids to sit criss cross applesauce- lol. He also has some hair which was fun to see as well. So far so good- enough fluid and the babe is perfect.

But, as we all know, things can go to shit anytime now so I am hanging on in a hopeful, optimistic state – assuming it will all go the way it’s supposed to. I know better but I need to believe it will. There is that part of me that is terrified it won’t, but I let those thoughts just pass in order to stay focused and happy.

We are on edge though, and thoughts of Silas come up way more often these days. I can’t help but think of my first born who isn’t here and how sad his loss still is for us. It’s just so present right now as we head to the final weeks of this pregnancy. I have actually been answering truthfully when people ask if it’s my first more often than not. It feels right these days. Chris wrote about that lie we live, which also has helped us these last 3 years just get through life without wearing our pain on our sleeves. But now, it just makes sense for me to let others know that no, this is not my first.  I went through a whole other pregnancy & delivery (naturally) and that yes, I’m having a c-section this time because of the complications the first time. I need to share that and I actually feel alright when I do. Otherwise I get into all kinds of weird conversations that are way more uncomfortable then the truth.

So even though we decided not to have baby stuff in the house, it started accumulating. It’s almost impossible not to!! People have given us things & sent us things so they are here. But I haven’t done anything with them except put them in a closet. I do have a changing table in the middle of our dining room with all kinds of stuff piled on top. But I’m ok with it. I plan on going up to my in-laws soon to see what they have of ours that was given to us for Silas. It is hard for me to wait- even though it seems like the smart thing to do. We aren’t setting up a room just yet, but I just need to make sure we have those few things we need at the beginning and it really is just a lot of fun to look through it all. I don’t want to deny myself of what everyone else gets to do before they have their baby. So I’m doing it a little. On one hand I want to protect myself but on the other hand, I feel like I need to be prepared. It’s a hard balance.

I finally finished up my teaching and I couldn’t be happier. I was so ready and can’t wait to relax. Though I am working really hard right now at my job with the food co-op that’s opening on Wednesday.  It’s been a bit nutty trying to juggle it all- the yoga, the coffee stuff,  the co-op, and all the doctor appointments.  But now that I’m done teaching I’ll have more of a focus on the other jobs. I have a lot to do at the market with all the events in the next two weeks, so I’m hoping the baby holds out so I can be there and help get it looking great. It’s been fun and rewarding and I am loving it. It will also be a job I can do from home in the time I’m taking off from teaching when I’m home with baby.

The next post will probably be the big news, but I felt like it was important to share where I’m at right now. Which is uncomfortable and ready!! I still can’t wrap my brain around the idea that I may have a real baby in my arms- but I’m working hard at getting there. And then hopefully once I fully believe it, it will have already happened.

Remembering Silas

I cannot believe it’s been almost 3 years since the birth and death of my first born son. Our lives would have been so different had we had a 3 year old running around here.  I miss Silas, the promise of Silas, what could have been our amazing little boy.  I feel cheated of his life and what these last 3 years could have been. Of course we made the best of it, in all the ways that we could. We have amazing people in our lives that are supportive and awesome which has helped. I write here often of all the things we do to make our lives full and fun, but a piece of our hearts will always be missing, despite what we try to do to find that happiness.

This year feels different now that I’m pregnant. Last year we were apart for this weekend. I was traveling out west and Chris was here at home. It was hard on both of us, and we promised not to let something like that happen again.  With the beginning of Sept comes the natural anxiety.  It brings us both instantly back to this time 3 years ago, waiting for our baby to be born. All the things we had to do to get ready, the weather changing and with it a change of seasons. It’s really strange how much our bodies just sense this timing and naturally react to it. This week in particular I’ve been overly emotional. Today I woke up just pissed. I didn’t feel like getting up, going to teach, and really doing much of anything. I still feel mopey and sad and knew that a blog post was important to help me get through it.

This last month has been emotional on so many levels. Chris definitely feels like he is powerless and thus needs to try to protect me as much as possible. I’m sure it’s hard for the guys to have to sit back and watch this unfold, without being able to control every move we make. I go about my day, teaching, driving, cooking, etc and just hope for the best. I hope that I don’t slip and fall, or get in a car accident, or do anything that could take away this precious life inside me. Chris watches me with bated breath, still wishing he could use that bubble wrap and keep me protected from harm until this little guy lands screaming in our arms. Since that is not practical, and yes, I have to live my life, we just try to work it out, communicate our fears and needs, and breathe that big sigh of relief that we got through another day.

We are close to picking our baby’s birthdate which feels awesome and weird at the same time. I had a Dr. appt today and a date is being requested, but they can’t schedule until 32 weeks, and I’m at almost 31.  I can’t even believe sometimes how my whole perception of birth has changed since losing Silas. I am thrilled to be with doctors (though I love the 2 midwives in the group too),  can’t wait to deliver in a hospital, and am truly looking forward to my scheduled c-section. I want a healthy, live, screaming baby and if this is how it’s done, I’m all for it.

So here we are, just patiently waiting for our first real live baby in our arms. I feel so close I can taste it, but man, 8 more weeks! arghhh!! I’m so ready for this. Every single day, I look at my belly and give thanks. I still cannot believe it- that I am really pregnant, and that it’s almost time to deliver this miracle child. With all the fertility treatments we went through, I feel like this babe inside me is truly a ray of sunshine that we worked so hard for. Every little kick reminds me of that, every day.

Despite all that, I do complain sometimes, even though I said I wouldn’t! Pregnancy is hard on my body- I tire easily, my feet get swollen, I’m uncomfortable as can be, I sleep poorly. Chris is quick to remind me how much we wanted this, but sometimes I can’t help myself!! I am truly thrilled, of course, but I am ready though. This baby feels like 4 years in the making- which is a hell of a long time to wait for a baby.

The hardest part though lately has been answering the question-

“Is this your first?”

It happens up to 5 times a day. Most of the time I say yes, just to make it easier on all of us. But I feel terrible about it every single time. In some ways I want everyone to know about Silas, but I know it’s just not appropriate to share what happened sometimes. I don’t think it will ever be easy, regardless of how I answer. It’s always followed up with a truly uncomfortable conversation that I really don’t want to have.

To get through this tough weekend, we made sure to make awesome plans. We are going to NYC and walking the Highline, meeting up with friends, seeing Wilco at Summerstage in Central Park, staying with my brother and sis in law who have all kinds of fun planned for us all weekend. The anticipation leading up is always harder then the actual day. That seems to be true each year. Maybe somehow my body knows though, that even though Sept 25 was the day I gave birth, it was a Thursday, so today was really the day it all went down. I just want to be sad and melancholy today, it just feels right.

As always, thank you for all your support, those who read, and those who read and comment. I am not much of a blog reader these days, but I truly appreciate that there are so many of you who still read and comment and follow our story.  I may find myself writing more and more as the time gets closer to baby, and as the anxiety & excitement increases.

So please light a candle for our little Silas Orion on Sunday, look up to his stars, and give your kids a hug for us. xo

Moving Right Along

The kicks and flutters are a constant now. It is so reassuring at 23 weeks that this little boy (yes, another boy!) growing inside me is active and healthy. I’ve had many tests and ultrasounds in this pregnancy, way more then in my first one with Silas. I think the combination of the IVF, my age and what happened the first time, has dramatically changed the way this pregnancy has been approached- by doctors and by us.

I also find myself comparing the 2 pregnancies often- because that’s what we do.  Different but similar aches and pains, the familiar flutters, the swollen feet and ankles, the need to stay fed and hydrated, to be well rested but still active and the never-ending amazement that I can really grow a baby inside my own body. I really still can’t believe it sometimes! I truly feel lucky that I get to be here, a place I’ve been dreaming of for so long in my life.

The doctor/midwife group we chose this time around is just different.  It is a more clinical setting,  but the warmth is there and the care is impeccable.  Some visits have been 5 min long- while others I spend at least 30 getting my questions answered.  They are on top of it, making sure that every need we have is met. I even got a call today randomly from one of the midwives, just to see how I was doing. She asked how all the doctors have been, if we’ve been happy with our care. She even asked if they were pronouncing my name correctly! So great. I feel like we are in good hands and very hopeful that this little guy inside me will end up in my arms screaming and healthy.

But as all of us in this community know, nothing is definite and things can go wrong, up to the very last minute. I’m still feeling pretty hesitant that this pregnancy can really end with a live baby. I won’t keep anything for him in this apt until he is alive & kicking. What do we really need? I don’t feel the pressure to set up a baby room (we actually didn’t do this last time either), or have clothes or diapers or anything here until it happens. All the stuff given to us last time is safe and secure at my inlaws. I am confident that when we need it, it will be brought to our home, ready and waiting for us. I refuse to register and really have a hard time even going to that place of decision making. What stroller, bassinet, car seat do we want? Beats me. I checked out what some of my friends have, asked a few questions, but don’t feel like it’s necessary to go there quite yet. I know, I know, a week before I deliver, I’m sure I’ll feel frantic if I don’t have this stuff, but for now, I just want to get through each day. I have lots of people who want to know what I’m going to do about work, daycare, etc. I am not planning a thing. I have some ideas and I know I want to take off some time, but to actually plan what we’re going to do after that is just not going to happen. I planned last time, and then had to take it all back. It was brutal. It just feels better to leave it out there and we’ll figure it out when the time comes.

I’m way more tired this time around. I think being 40 and pregnant is really hard work!  I wish I could exercise more, but it’s so hot on the east coast and so hard to get motivated to even take a walk! I am still teaching the kids yoga and am pretty much using it as my form of exercise right now. Every downdog feels heavenly, but my body definitely doesn’t move the way it’s used to! That I remember explicitly from last time. That crazy feeling of not being able to bend and stretch like I am normally capable of.

I know my sister does not want a big announcement made (sorry J), but her pregnancy, only 7 weeks behind me, is so very exciting in my family. My parents are beyond thrilled and daily texts from my mom are not unusual.

“How are my girls feeling today??”

It’s so amazing to see my parents so happy. They have struggled to deal with the grief and loss of their first and only grandson while staying hopeful that their 3 kids in their late 30’s will procreate sooner rather then later.  They have to listen to all their friends who only want to talk about grandkids. So now that both of their daughters are preggers, it is a really happy time in the Rosen family. When I start to think about the thought of “What if that IVF cycle didn’t work?” I get a feeling over my body that is so horrific, I don’t even want to go there. It happened and it’s all good. But it is still so hard to even believe sometimes.

We just got back from a fantastic trip out west for a good friends wedding in Lake Tahoe. So beautiful and so much fun. Of course we also stayed a few days in SF- bar hopping, coffee tasting, seeing friends, eating burritos and just enjoying ourselves immensely.  Meeting new babies (me with gifts in hand finally!) and seeing pregnant friends, all with a huge smile on my face and excitement for them that was real.

As always, the love and support we get from our friends & family, and those of you who read my words have kept me going. So I just want to say thanks.

right where I am project: 979 Days

My husband Chris of Elm City Dad  just wrote his own post for Angie’s Right Where I am project. Check it out over at Glow in the Woods.

“Right Where I am Project: 2 years, and exactly 8 Months to the Day Later.”

I’d like to thank my friend Angie from Still Life With Circles for putting this project out there for us to participate in. Angie is an incredible force in this community and her blog was one I read daily way back when. I don’t read many blogs these days. I write on mine every so often, but it feels different then when I first lost Silas. Back then, it was my lifeline. It was what kept me sane. I devoured blogs, commented daily and made a group of friends who also lost babies around the same time. Our lives have progressed differently since then. Some went on to have subsequent babies pretty quickly, others, like me, took a lot longer, while still others have yet to conceive again. Though our paths were different after our losses, our stories & comments kept each other sane and able to move forward through the early months of heartache, pain and devastation. I will always cherish those beginning friendships and the strong connections we made. These women just got me, they knew what I was feeling and were there for me no matter what.

I sometimes go back and read my early posts, from when I guest wrote on my husband Chris’s blog Elm City Dad. I was raw, angry, sad, depressed. You name an emotion and I felt it. I was honest though about how I felt. I knew people in my life were reading, people who knew and loved me. It didn’t change what and how I wrote, I knew that they actually used our blogs as a tool to help them deal with us. We told it like it was- putting it all out there with real, honest emotion.

I think that because of our blogs, we are still super close to all our friends. It was their way of connecting to us in helping to know what we were going through.  Our friends found it easier to contact us because of it. Having email, text, fb, gchat and blog comments gives us so many outlets to communicate and I appreciated every single one of them. I didn’t need my friends calling me. I didn’t need people to worry about “how I was doing.” My blog shared that, and if you took the time to comment or email or text, I let you know that I was ok.  They knew and understood I couldn’t see their new babies, couldn’t send a gift or call/write to congratulate them. The jealousy, oh the jealousy. This part of me was a huge loss- not being able to see, hear, watch, read about babies. They were everywhere and it was almost impossible to navigate.

Those early days were so incredibly hard. I couldn’t lose the weight, couldn’t get pregnant, didn’t have my son and really couldn’t make sense of this world that came crashing in on me. I am one of those people though that couldn’t hide in my bed all day, every day, even though I thought that was what I wanted. Chris and I went out, saw friends & lots of music. Leaned on our amazing families & friends a lot. I practiced yoga, went to bootcamps & therapy, and continued my work as a children’s yoga teacher. I struggled through it all, but I think that because we continued to live life, through our loss and grief, really brought us to where we are today. We are still devastated by our loss, but we don’t wear our grief on our sleeve. We worked through it, around it, inside and out. I will always miss him, til the day I die – but my heart isn’t aching like it did in that first year. Sometimes I can’t believe I’m still standing, and other times I am proud to be still standing.

I am finally pregnant again, exactly 2 years & 8 months later. It took a really long time for that to happen. I think for me, it made this journey a bit more tumultuous.  My time was spent grieving the loss of my sweet little first born son Silas and then it was spent trying to get pregnant again. After awhile, it turned into just trying to get pregnant again. Silas was there in my heart, but his loss wasn’t my focus anymore. I was determined to get pregnant and after a year of trying on our own, it was time to venture into the land of infertility drugs. I couldn’t believe this was our life. First we lost our child at birth, and then we can’t get pregnant? That just seemed truly fucked up. I mean seriously? We tried every fertility treatment out there, and finally, became pregnant after our 3rd IVF attempt.  I am currently 13w4d and was feeling great until last night. We had a bit of a bleeding scare, but found out I have placenta previa and it’s pretty common. Now I am just told to take it easy which I’m attempting to do.

This pregnancy is fraught with the feeling of it being our last hope to have a child. It finally happened and I wont let anything take it from me.  Last night, right after the toilet was filled with blood, I sobbed with the thought of having to start this process over again. It can’t possibly be happening. But the bleeding stopped, the ultrasound showed a heartbeat and a healthy baby, and I’m now required to chill out. At this point, I will do what I’m told. Chris wants to wrap me in bubble wrap and put me in a closet and not let me out til I’m ready to birth this baby.

Now that I’m finally here though, I am finding a new relationship with Silas and his loss. I still get choked up when I see my friends kids who were born around when he was. I sometimes can’t believe I could be parenting a 2 1/2 year old. That always breaks my heart. I am constantly now required to answer the question “is this your first?” This brings up all kinds of feelings and emotions about whether to share and break someone’s heart? or pretend Silas didn’t exist? It’s a very challenging question to answer, no matter how I choose to answer it. I always hesitate and I still haven’t figured it out it in the moment.

Silas taught me so many lessons. He taught me that everything in life doesn’t always work out & things don’t happen for a reason (sometimes shitty things just happen). He taught me patience. He allowed me to fall even more in love with my husband (which I didn’t think was possible). I gained a better appreciation for what I have & more empathy for those who are suffering. Over time I’ve learned that when shitty things happen to me, I don’t have to blame myself for it. Blame and guilt, 2 huge emotions that come with loss. I worked through those emotions, and while I’m not completely healed of them, I don’t beat myself up anymore. Silas Orion will always be a light in my life, will always hold a space in my heart and will always be the big brother to the next little Gallagher to come our way.

40 and Pregnant

Don’t you think that would make a great reality show? I mean, there is 16 and Pregnant, Pregnant in Heels, I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant- it goes on and on.  But no 40 and Pregnant? I’m sure the networks are on it. Especially the whole IVF thing- I know there are a few shows out there that have dealt with this issue a little, but it seems that people still haven’t a clue what it’s like.  Between all the injections, ultrasounds & meltdowns, I think it would be a hit. And if it finally works (after 3 or more tries), then it can turn into that feel good story everyone would be rooting for.  Throw a prior dead baby into the mix, and yeah, this story gets compelling. It’s all good though- I feel so blessed right now. I keep saying that, but it’s true.  I guess I never thought I’d be where I am at 40. I remember my parents turning 40 when I was a teenager! So weird to be in such a different place.

This whole process to get to this point has been challenging, but here I am, 11 weeks and still going strong. I feel good- not so much nausea but enough to make me feel pregnant. I am showing already (and have been for a few weeks) which seems crazy to me but I’ve been told that happens with your second. I still feel like I just look fat, since I haven’t been eating too great (with all the bday celebrations and all) and not really working out these last 3 months. But I am accepting that this is where I am right now and soon enough that baby bump will show prominently and I won’t just have to blurt out “I’m pregnant!” when someone asks why I’m not having a glass of wine or beer like everyone else around me. Chris cracks up everytime I say it- like I am trying to find an excuse to tell people (maybe I am?) but I’m at that awkward stage where I just don’t look pregnant to the outside world, but feel just big all over. So I choose to share my excitement and happiness and it feels great to do so.

The dreaded 40th bday came and went and it actually was pretty awesome. The day itself (4/28) was perfect- with a delicious breakfast cooked by my sweet husband, an awesome lunch at my fave New Haven restaurant with my girlfriends, and then dinner with my siblings & their spouses at my brother-in-laws cousin’s restaurant in Westchester. My sister was out here visiting that week so it was perfect! I never get to spend quality time with both sibs and so it was truly special. The dinner was amazing and was a great way to celebrate this milestone in my life.

For the weekend, we went to Montreal with our friends. It was fantastic! What a beautiful and interesting city. We ate and drank (some of us) our way through the city.  Just perfect!

And then it was time to celebrate Chris’ bday. It wasn’t a milestone like mine, but b-days still deserve much celebration and for days we did. It’s fun having back to back b-days, but it does get tiring and my body definitely doesn’t feel awesome from all the treats and heavy foods.

So now back to normal- or what is turning into a new normal. We finally picked our doctors/midwives and we are pretty psyched. We found the perfect group with the perfect balance of what we are looking for this time around. All the advice you all gave was super helpful and very much appreciated. Starting to figure out how to answer “is this your first?” by just seeing how I feel like answering in that moment. It comes up at least once a day and as soon as I start to show more, will probably happen constantly.

Mother’s day was yet again, really really hard. I had my breakdown while emptying the dishes- which I think happened the same time last year. I think it just really hit me at that moment how much I miss Silas and the time I lost with him as my son. Parenting a dead baby is hard, but hits hardest on a day like Mother’s day where everyone is celebrating and it is EVERYWHERE for weeks. I know so many friends who lost their mother’s at a young age, and then now all of us who lost our children- and with all the lost soldiers as well, it seems to be more of a sad reminder of who we lost then anything else. But I do try to cherish what I do have, and that is an amazing mom & mother in law and I feel blessed for the 2 of them in my life.

Waiting patiently to be out of the first tri. It’s almost here and I can taste it. In the meantime, I am FINALLY finding the warmth I so badly missed. LONGEST WINTER EVER. The sun is out, the back door is open, the kitties are playing in the yard, the garden is starting to be planted and I can finally wear my sundresses again. YAY!