I’m waiting patiently for the nausea to start but it just isn’t showing up like it did last time. I was sooo sick for the first 4 months of the pregnancy with Silas. I love that this one is so different already. It makes it easier. But then I get scared that I’m really not pregnant b/c I’m not feeling the symptoms so much. Yeah, my breasts are sore and I’m tired. But that’s it! I know I should feel lucky but it only makes me more nervous.

We are in the process of finding a doctor in the New Haven area. We’ve had many recommendations and now have appointments at 3 different groups. I like the idea of a group of doctors and midwifes but I think Chris is terrified of the idea of a midwife. He is being very open to meeting with all of them but it’s a hard decision to be made. We want this pregnancy to be very different-  our choice in doctors, prenatal yoga teachers, finding out the sex, taking tests we didn’t take the first time, to that big one- having a c-section.

I know that as this pregnancy progresses, there will that question from strangers we’ll have to figure out how to answer -“is this your first?”  I know that it will work itself out as it happens more and more often, but it is something I’ve been thinking about for awhile. Any of you babylost parents who’ve gone on to have their subsequent child/ren, please feel free to share your experiences with me. Any help will be so appreciated.

I get why all of you out there were terrified with your subsequent pregnancies. Last night I had a dream that I was going to lose this baby. I woke up and felt normal, went to the bathroom to check and saw I was fine. It’s just so precarious. This new life growing inside me is so precious and I’m so attached. I’m only 8 1/2 weeks, anything can happen. No matter that I’ve been told that seeing a heartbeat decreases your chance of miscarriage tremendously, I can’t help myself but to feel worried.

But I know we’ll get over that first trimester hump and there will be all the other worries that follow. I promised myself I would just be happy and grateful for this new life. After all this time of trying- and it finally happening for us. But now I keep thinking how close we are. How we’ve reached this goal and now have 7 more months until we finally get that baby that everyone else around us gets to enjoy and love. I dream of holding my own baby in my arms and I am terrified of what may happen between now and when that possibility can be real.

I am happy though. I am excited and joyful and feel a sense of relief I haven’t experienced in years. I know this is normal and just how it’s going to be. I am choosing to accept it and just go with it.  Oh, and I continue to just breathe. Big deep breaths and feel so thankful I am where I am.

We saw a heartbeat this morning. Yes!!! Such great news. Wow. We are at 6w1d which is really early to see that, but it was there. We both saw it and our Dr. was thrilled.

This is probably crazy but I said to Chris this weekend that if UConn won the basketball championships, I’d take that as a good sign. It’s always hard to know when and if you are making the right decisions. This is all a game of chance and there was a lot riding on this cycle. We switched clinics, not because we thought UConn was better then our other place, just that it was different, had a great reputation and just we felt it was the right thing to do. Even though it’s not convenient, we decided to go for it anyway. It was a great move (obviously!) and a double bonus seeing UConn come from out of nowhere to win it all last night.  I was still nervous this morning, but had a good feeling about it.

I can now breathe a sigh of relief for the next week, til the next ultrasound. It’s hard for me to look to the future still, we have no due date or anything yet. Though I’m sure I can figure it out. I just don’t know if I want to go there just yet. I want to stay present and get through each day feeling relaxed and happy.

That one beating heart was just the most beautiful sight. ahhhhhhh.

Been very excited to finally write that here.  Except that instead of feeling that pregnancy joy, I’m feeling that anxiety that comes with some HCG levels that aren’t going my way.

So we found out last Monday that we were pregnant, and not only that, my HCG levels were really high. We were truly elated for those first 2 days. That little secret smile that I just couldn’t contain. We shared our news with all our friends and family who have been on this journey with us. We made so many people happy and heard so many tears of joy being shed at our expense. It was quite overwhelming and felt so deservedly good. It has been quite the journey to get here.

The 2ww was hard, but I took care of myself. I did my restorative yoga every night & kept my 2nd chakra candle lit whenever I was in the apt. I ate well, I rested and I imagined those 3 perfect embryos (yes, we had 3 perfect ones!) sticking (or at least 1-2 sticking!) We allowed all of our friends to share in the process and to send us sticky implantation vibes as much as possible. And it worked! It really worked.

So I went back on Wed for my 2nd beta and unfortunately, my levels didn’t go up as much as they wanted them too. They thought there was a possibility that there were multiples and we lost one. Made complete sense to us, so we felt ok about this. They wanted me back again on Fri. Problem was, we had a 7am flight out to Florida to visit my parents and to do a blood test, I’d have to change the flight to that evening. It didn’t make sense to us to lose a whole day of 85 degree sunny Florida weather to find out that maybe it was bad news, or possibly it went up. Either answer wouldn’t change a thing, so we decided not to take the test and to just go and relax and not think about it (yeah right).

Florida was awesome. We had a fabulous 4 days with my parents, eating, beaching, relaxing, reading- everything you do on vacation. It was perfect. The weather was perfect which never happens to us. Every friend of theirs congratulated us, but I thanked them with the statement “I’m cautiously happy.” It was hard to be truly happy, with the not knowing, and expecting a toilet full of blood at any given moment.

So early Tues morning (after getting in at 4am) I ran back up to Hartford to do another blood test- the 45 min drive each way has been one of the hardest parts of this cycle like I knew it would be. They called me in the early afternoon to tell me the levels still didn’t go up as much as they’d like and they need to see me for an ultrasound. Yikes. All I wanted to do was take a nap after not having really slept the night before. But get back in my car is what I did, and I drove back up to Hartford, shaking and attempting deep breaths the whole way there.

The good news was that there was nothing they could see in my tubes- if there was, it could have been an ectopic pregnancy which is really bad. They think they may have seen the sac in my uterus, but still too early to tell. I was at 5w2d which is super early.

So now, I just have to wait and see how it goes. I go in again on Tues for another beta and ultrasound. I guess that all our disappointments these last few years have added up and I really can’t be optimistic about this. I am protecting myself from the pain I will inevitably feel when this pregnancy turns to loss. It’s so hard for me to stay hopeful and positive. How can I? I usually am. Chris is the hopeful & positive one right now. He has been amazing for me. I really don’t have any left in me and I am using everyone’s positive energy to get through this.

Everyone knows someone who knows someone who had a slow rise in their HCG levels who then went on to have a baby. But in my heart of hearts, I don’t think that’s going to be me. I want it to be me, but that hasn’t been me in years. I am getting myself so prepared for what I think is the inevitable loss, that I almost forget that I am pregnant right now.

I have yet to turn that switch on in my brain that accepts that I’m actually pregnant. The side affects that started during the 2ww b/c of the progesterone injections are still around, which doesn’t help b/c I don’t feel like they are real. Even if they are. I pray every morning to wake up nauseous. Then I would know that my levels are rising.

It feels good to write this out, to share this tumultuous beginning to what could be the child we have been dreaming of all these years, or just another loss on this endless path.

The last few days have been filled with crazy, crazy news.  They found some regrowth in the same tumor spot on little Carly. That enough would make you just want to throw things. Then I got some news about a fellow babylost mom who was pregnant and lost her baby midway through the pregnancy. Really? like, seriously? And then I got some more pregnancy news and then some babies being born news and all these people in my life having their second already since we lost Silas. It’s all just very hard to take, all piled on top of a few days. Somehow I’m still standing.

We are starting IVF again. It’s our 2nd fresh cycle but 3rd altogether since we did that frozen one way back when. We’ve determined this isn’t the be all end all of me getting pregnant. We could not possibly add any more pressure then we already feel going in to this round. If it doesn’t work, we’ll cross that bridge. I’m happy to be in this mind space for this cycle. I know what to expect, I’m not scared, I’m ready.

2 1/2 years out and still trying. How do we stay hopeful? Any suggestions? It’s so hard. I expect not to be pregnant now. It makes the letdown month after month so much easier. I don’t cry much anymore when I get my period. I just expect it. A few weeks back I decided to stop trying so hard. No more acupuncture, herbs, teas, vitamins. I just don’t want to keep putting in effort, time, money, etc when it hasn’t worked. So this month we just said fuck it and whatever happens happens. I’m starting IVF anyway if and when I get my period. We decided to try a new clinic- and this one isn’t having me do a rest down before the cycle. So I just start right with my period. Time to shake things up a little, when things aren’t working, change it up.

I am still having bad days mixed with good days. There are moments where I stop dead in my tracks and think- wait, did my baby really die? I still can’t fathom it sometimes. I also cannot believe I can’t seem to get pregnant. I know everyone in this IF world thinks that- but after our loss, it just seems so unfair. I got pregnant easily the first time, no issues. I wasn’t so young either. How many times can I say this? but its 3 years since Silas was conceived. We’re in that phase of his pregnancy where it was so new and so exciting, but 3 friggin years ago! So long ago. I want to feel that again so badly it hurts.

I am going to do restorative yoga, just like the NY times article said to do.  (yeah yeah I’m a yogi, I should know this but I generally don’t do restorative). I’m going to stay calm and not stress. Even when I’m poking myself with needles day in and day out & driving almost an hour to the clinic at 6:30am on these really cold winter mornings. I’m going to breathe, and relax and take care of myself.  (At least this is my plan).

We now have a few trips planned-  Florida to see my parents, and this is immediately after we find out if this cycle worked. Then we are going to Costa Rica for my 40th and for Chris’ bday and so I can do a teacher training. We also have a trip to Lake Tahoe planned for the summer for a wedding. So all of these trips are something to look forward to, regardless of whether I’m pregnant or not. I have chosen not to add that to the equation anymore. It did me no good when planning for my sister’s wedding. It made it complicated and depressing.

Tomorrow is supposed to be warm, the snow is melting and our parking has reappeared.  Oh, and we have the cutest new kittens – Puck & Purrsephone, have I mentioned that yet? 

I choose to let these little things make me happy these days. It’s all I can do to stay sane.

I have come to the conclusion that I’m just not a great blogger. I have had many, many posts written in my head, but just have not been able to make the time to sit and write them. My focus these days has been on my business. So with that, I am working so hard to keep up with my Full of Joy Yoga blog- that takes a lot of effort on my part so go check it out and see what I’ve been up to lately.

I really can’t believe another year will come and go and we are still in this same damn place. When we took a break from fertility meds this summer, it was to get me strong, healthy and regular. Now almost 6 months later, that has been accomplished. I have a great acupuncturist who I see weekly. What I’ve found fascinating is that I’m back on a full moon cycle (is that tmi?). It’s definitely a step in the right direction though it doesn’t keep me from feeling frustrated and devastated every month I’m not pregnant.

The most upsetting part in this for me right now, is that my insurance will only cover 1 more fresh IVF cycle before I’m 40 and that date is slowly creeping up on us. I need to have that cycle completed by April 28. Which means I need to meet with our dr. and then basically start the whole awful process again next month.

I have finally gotten to a really healthy place, I am feeling hopeful it can happen naturally, yet my insurance has to dictate what we do. I cannot turn down a free IVF cycle. I have to do it and do it feeling calm and ok. It’s hard though, it’s stressing me out and pisses me off and I hate that I have to have my life revolve around insurance rules.

So that’s where we’re at. I wish my disappearance was because I was pregnant. It seems like every other day I am finding out about another pregnant friend. It is hard to be happy for them but even harder to not. So I just am (but after a good cry for myself). Facebook continues to be a minefield that can either entertain me or make me want to throw shit. But for some reason I continue to torture myself day after day.

Luckily Phish has decided to play a lot on the east coast, we have been trying to see as many shows as we can afford. As much as I love the music, it also allows my mind to wander and sometimes in ways that tear me to pieces. I had a blast these last 2 nights, but at the same time, almost brokedown and lost my shit multiple times. I don’t know how to be anymore. I feel as torn up sometimes as I was the day we lost Silas. I think these last 2 years I just have figured out how to fake it.  Don’t get me wrong, I do laugh and have fun, but that  layer of loss and sadness is always there. Sometimes I just hide it really, really well.

After having to put down Beans (unbelievable right?), we got new kittens Puck & Purrsephone from a friend.  They are super cute and lovable and definitely have given us something fun to focus on. New life in our home is good.

Somehow there are still people out there reading- which is amazing to me. Thank you for sticking by me, even when I feel like I have given up on myself.  As down as I can get, the hope is still there.  Chris and I are a team, and even when times get tough, we are in this together. We will make sure that we will have our family, and I am going to make it happen in 2011, no matter how or where or what, it will happen.

Though I don’t write much anymore, I do feel it is appropriate to write up a little something to honor my sweet little Silas who is not here with us as we approach the 2nd anniversary of his birth/death.

I have been traveling around the west coast these last few weeks, celebrating bachelorette parties & weddings and just hanging out in SF right now for the week. My sister’s wedding is in Colorado next week so it just seemed to make more sense to just stay out here rather then go back and forth for each of the weddings. So now I am here and Chris is there and we will not be together tomorrow.

This has been a wonderful week for me filled with friends & fun, but it has been a real challenging one for Chris who had to say goodbye to me last Sunday after our amazing Sonoma wedding weekend. He has had to work and deal with all the regular daily life annoyances. Without me there by his side, it has been quite challenging and emotionally charged.

I decided to hold a kids yoga teacher training this weekend in Berkeley- I thought that working (while having to be away from Chris) would be the only way to get through it. We’ll see. I’m doing alright so far, but these last 2 days have been harder then I’d hoped.

As I reflect on the turns my life has taken these last 2 years, I do realize how far I’ve come from that traumatic time. I still have that little place in my heart that is broken and probably always will be, but I also have found ways to experience joy, love, laughter, friends, music, food and all the good things that life also offers. I cherish my relationships and I try to be an extra good friend back. I know what it feels like to want something so badly it hurts, and because of that, when I get it, it will be that much sweeter. That I know.

There is a calm surrounding me right now. I’ve worked hard to get to this place. New pregnancies and babies still hurt deeply because jealousy is a normal human emotion that plays a big part in my world. But I’ve learned to deal with it head on, and because of that, I can hold my friends babies and hang with my pregnant friends and still be ok. I can’t let what happened to me take away my happiness for others, even when the jealousy seeps in. It’s a daily struggle, but one where I feel like I am winning more often then not.

As always, I have to thank you all for holding us up and holding us near. It is what gets us through.

So tomorrow, on Sept 25, please look up into the sky and think of our beautiful little boy Silas Orion.  Maybe light a candle, or honor him in your own special way, but definitely give all your kids some extra love for us.

The song Sorrow by Pink Floyd came on my ipod today while I was driving and I thought about how that word just nails how I’ve felt this summer.

Yesterdays -all of a sudden- fall weather threw me for a loop. After all the heat and humidity, to get this burst of fall sent a pit to my stomach that is unmistakable. It is that feeling of dread, that feeling I’ve felt only once before and that was last year this time.

The change of seasons now, of summer to fall, will always signify the impending birth and death of Silas. I remember that feeling all too well of hanging in our yard with our various friends and family members, weeks after Silas died, watching the leaves and acorns cover our yard. This time of year will never be the same again.  It just feels too soon for it to happen. It’s still August – I just wasn’t prepared for it.

Both Chris and I felt it yesterday. We didn’t even have to talk about it, but we acknowledged the change in the weather and that deep, dark pit it left in our stomachs. It’s been a tough summer for me. I haven’t worked all that much, and when I have, I’ve felt like I’ve lost my passion a bit. I’m a lost puppy right now. In between 2 lives. One that I’ve lived and one that I want.

It makes it really hard to be satisfied and fulfilled when you are treading in that in between place. I can’t ever have my old life back. The easy-going fun with friends & music & innocence. I don’t have that life I’ve been wanting now for what seems like years. We’ve been living here in New Haven for almost 3 years. This longing for a child has been with me for longer then that. We started trying way back when we returned from our 3 month honeymoon in SE Asia. That seems like a lifetime ago and a really long time to be wanting something.

I am taking a trip out west in a few weeks and I’ll be gone for almost a month. I’ve had that need to get away for a bit, to maybe find those parts of myself that I lost. I have my sister’s bach party in Vegas, a quick stint in LA,  our friends wedding in Napa, some SF time and then my sisters wedding in Colorado. Instead of the back and forth, I decided to make it a west coast journey, with time off to recharge, renew and let go.  Chris will be coming out for both weddings so as soon as I start missing him, luckily I’ll get to see him. Being without him will be hard, but I know we’ll manage.  It’s really the kitties I’m worried about. I miss them when we’re gone overnight!

The strange part of all of it is that we’ll be apart on Sept 25. I am doing a Kids Yoga teacher training that weekend in Berkeley and Chris will be home in New Haven. I know it will be hard for us to be apart on that day. But every single day of my life is hard now, so really, how much harder will that be for us? It’s just how it worked out.

Last week we rented a beach house with friends for a few days. The Phish shows we saw were really fun, but the real highlight was getting to swim in the ocean. Oh, how amazing it feels to dive in and under huge waves, and ride them to shore. I felt like I was able to leave behind some of the sorrow and grumpiness I’ve been holding inside me these last few months. Then yesterday’s winds and cold came and brought it right back.

I tried really hard to not pay attention to my cycle this time around. But since it lasted for 40 excruciating days, it made it almost impossible to ignore. Days 32 & 33 I thought, “hmmm, where are you period?”  I know you are coming. Days 34-36 I thought,  ok, this has happened before, I don’t feel pregnant, you must be coming any minute.  Days 37 – 39, ok, well, now it’s really really late. I must be pregnant. Right? BFN. Ok, so I’m not. Where the hell are you then? And onto day 40, I finally drank some ginger tea and bam, there she was. And so it goes. Story of my life. If I’m not going to be pregnant, then why can’t my periods just come on time? Why do I have to be fucked with? So unfair. Of course I googled “late period after failed IVF” and a shitload of posts from every baby/fertility site came up. I guess I should have done that a week before and spared myself the torture of thinking, am I? Is this normal?

I’ve been doing the acupuncture, chinese herbs, red clover, red raspberry leaf & nettles tea, royal jelly, false unicorn root path and so I just assumed all that would have helped my cycle get regular. Even though I am taking all these herbs and eating the right foods (though I have not given up beer- I have to have a little fun right?) and all that, I also did not pay attention to my cycle at all. I didn’t even know I was late until I went to my acupuncturist who said, oh, today is day 32 of your cycle. What? Oh, how ’bout that. I was proud of myself for not counting all month and not paying attention to any of it.

And look where that got me.

So, as my sorrowful summer comes to a close, I am going to continue to stay thankful for all the little things I do have in my life right now: Chris, the kitties, being back to my pre-baby weight (yay!) and a super fantastic Vegas weekend to kick off a few weeks of much needed travel.

Yes, it is true. IVF #2 did not work. Like a fool, I decided to test myself earlier in the week and it was a BFN. I know that didn’t really mean it was a BFN definitely, but I had a meltdown anyway. I think I knew in my heart of hearts that it was better to get the meltdowns done early, that way I wouldn’t have to ruin the weekend ahead.

We have a wedding to go to at Hunter Mountain, lots of good friends will be there. Friends we haven’t seen from SF in a long, long time. I was hoping it would be as much celebratory for our friends getting married as it would be for us – but it’s not. So this morning’s hpt didn’t shock me. I still went in for a blood test to be sure, and the phone call came and again, it was what I expected.

I have been mentally preparing for the inevitability of this news. I did not put all our eggs in this basket. I did not assume the 2nd time would work b/c everyone kept telling me that it does. I have been living with disappointment for almost 2 years. From the day Silas died, things just haven’t let up.

We work hard day after day to smile, laugh, have fun, live life. We have to. But it gets to be too much sometimes. During my meltdowns, I didn’t want to make myself feel better. I didn’t want to do anything except cry and be sad. Talking about it with my therapist, she said that was a really healthy way to go through my pain. To not hide it away, or go around it, but to just be in it.  It seemed to work, because the next few days leading up to today ended up being ok- I must have gotten it all out. I cried a lot in the car on my way home from the clinic today, but then got home, crawled back in bed with Chumby and just moped.

Now here I am, doing some craft project I have to get done, attempting to stay sane in this intense heat. The heat- man that on top of everything else has just killed us. I think b/c of how hot it is here in the Northeast this week, nothing seems ok. When its this hot & humid and things already seem bad, it just makes it worse. I love the heat, but this has been really, really hard.

This FET cycle was pretty easy. We went to see 4 Phish shows in 6 nights, while still working and sometimes even staying over at friends or camping. I was able to do my injections when needed, and managed to be ok emotionally. It was really fun and totally worth it, even though the running around and lack of sleep was hard on us. But I think because of that,  all of a sudden it was transfer day. It kind of snuck up on us this time around.

These last 2 weeks though have been much harder on me emotionally then I thought it would be.  The lack of exercise has really taken a toll.  Each cycle, the 2 week breaks have been getting harder- I am not very good at taking it easy. Somehow I feel like it’s my own fault it didn’t work again. Like maybe I shouldn’t have lifted that, or walked there, or eaten that.

We have decided to take a break with all this fertility bs. Just give ourselves some time to just be with each other and not have the pressure of injections & appts.

I won’t disappear. I need this blog and my writing to keep me sane. Thanks again for all the support.

So since I wrote the last post, so much has happened and I feel like I am in a very new place then I was just a week ago. My incredible yoga teacher has been wanting to give me a Reiki session.  I feel that where I am right now, I will take all that is being offered. She also wanted me to go to a shaman healer that she knows in conjunction with her reiki session that she was giving me, both as a gift. Did I tell you how awesome she is?

So last week I went back to back – and let me tell you, it was super intense. The Reiki had my energy moving and I felt its power. It was a beautiful experience. I pretty much floated to the Shaman healer. I don’t want to go into detail about the work I did with her, but know this:

When I woke up that next morning, I seriously felt like a new person. I will share this one interesting part of the session. I had to choose a stone from a pile of like 15 different kinds of stones. I chose the amber one. She told me that the one I chose symbolizes wounded femininity. So there was that.

I had to breathe out a lot of what is holding me back and keeping me unsettled in my life. She performed her magic and when I left, I felt happy. Happy and at peace. I was able to let go of a lot of what is weighing me down right now. All the stuff that makes me sad, angry, devastated, confused, all of it.

I am not done with my grieving, or my anger, believe me, I have a lot still left. But what I need right now, as we go through the IVF,  is to just relax. That awful word that everyone has said will help me to get pregnant. I don’t believe it is what is keeping me from getting there. I don’t know what is keeping me from getting there. I do know that I have been tied up in knots and that is not helpful. There is a mind/body connection and it is wreaking havoc on my system.  So if friends and family want to give me Reiki and bodywork sessions to help me relax, well, then I’ll take it. Because even with my working out, eating well and therapy- even with all of that, I have been holding on for dear life.

So my good friend Gina who I grew up with came to visit this weekend.  I let her cut my hair. My hair that I haven’t cut since the month before Silas was born and died. I had been holding on to my hair as my protection.  It was scary, but I  finally shed a few inches and it felt great. My good friend Angie had a post about that a while back. She went super short and describes it below in such a perfect way. It has always stuck with me but at the time, I just wasn’t ready to go there.

“As the funkified shampoo girl massaged my head, I closed my eyes and remembered the days after I left my ex-husband. I cut off all my hair. And at the time, the stylist said, “Ah, the divorce do.” And she explained how people in transitional times in their life, traumatic and sad times, let go of their old life by letting go of their hair. She said it was an important, cathartic, healing ritual. And as this shampoo girl chatted about this and that, I felt a kind of lightness of being. All of this. All of this crap, I am letting go of it. I am going to leave it on the floor of the salon for other people to clean. My grey hairs and my mangled hairs, the hairs that watched Lucy be born, the ones that hid my face in the depth of my grief, the ones I plaited like I imagined folding my dark haired baby’s hair one day into long braids, the hairs that poked my husband’s face as we held each other sobbing, the hairs the looked sad and drab, the hairs that matted onto my face as I howled into my pillow, the hairs that made me feel fat and useless…all of them. Transition. I am in transition.”

As I move through this transition, I am preparing myself for what is yet to come.

That stands for Big Fat Negative for those of you not familiar. I’ve become a regular lurker and sometimes poster on the Resolve fertility message boards. It took me a while to figure that one out, even though I have become quite familiar with the BFN month after month. I was hoping for the good ‘ol BFP but alas, bad news again.

It’s been a tough journey to say the least.  An IVF cycle is challenging on the body, mind and spirit. It takes a toll – especially because it’s a super long process and then getting a BFN out of it, well yeah, that’s just a devastating blow.  The days following those results aren’t so pretty either.

I’ve been in quite a funk since then.  We are trying again, but this time we’re doing a FET (frozen embryo transfer). I’m getting good with all the acronyms and there is quite a lot in this IF world I’m in. This cycle is way easier on my whole being- it’s shorter and way less meds.  I’m not poking myself with needles every day or ingesting tons of hormones that fuck with my moods.

Everyone wants to help me this time around so I am getting some Reiki, some other healing energy work, some bodywork, acupuncture and lots and lots of love. I am working incredibly hard to just stay somewhat relaxed through this cycle.  Luckily we have a few Phish shows in our near future, hopefully the healing power of music will help.

We keep going forward because we have to. I mean we don’t have to, we can choose to stop this whole thing right now and just see if my body decides to cooperate at some point in our future. But I don’t want to wait anymore. I want it yesterday and because I can’t have it yesterday, we have to do everything in our power to make it happen. And even that is a crap shoot as we have now learned.

I have placed my entire future on a perpetual hold. My therapist reminded me today that I need to live each day. You would think that is a pretty easy thing for someone to remember to do, especially for a yogi who’s entire mission is to be present. But I am constantly in the future-

“when I’m finally pregnant, then….” and

“when I finally have my babies, then…”

and it’s all I do these days. This funk I am in has washed over me. I am struggling to work, to be social with friends, to even care about anything else going on. When I think about the oil spill, or Haiti or the inhumane treatment of animals, it tears me apart in ways that may even be unhealthy. I can’t go there because it’s too sad and right now my life is sad enough that I cannot even handle it.

But then somehow I manage to get shit done each day. I dread going to work, but then I see the kids and most of the time they make me laugh or give me hugs or tell me they love me and yeah, that’s why I do what I do. Those moments I sort of forget my funk and my determination to be sad. Or I’ll get an email about a new school, or a new business idea pops into my head and then I dive in and let it take over for a bit.

But even when I can fake it, like I feel like I’m doing most of the time now, I just don’t feel the same anymore. I feel pretty ravaged.

I haven’t written in a while because I really really wanted to write about good news and not the same old shit that keeps happening month after month.  I appreciate those of you who continue to read and comment and stick with me. I don’t think I would have stuck with me after all this time, so kudos to those of you who have.

And dammit, I will have good news soon (there is a smidgen of hope still left in there!)

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