The last few days have been filled with crazy, crazy news. They found some regrowth in the same tumor spot on little Carly. That enough would make you just want to throw things. Then I got some news about a fellow babylost mom who was pregnant and lost her baby midway through the pregnancy. Really? like, seriously? And then I got some more pregnancy news and then some babies being born news and all these people in my life having their second already since we lost Silas. It’s all just very hard to take, all piled on top of a few days. Somehow I’m still standing.
We are starting IVF again. It’s our 2nd fresh cycle but 3rd altogether since we did that frozen one way back when. We’ve determined this isn’t the be all end all of me getting pregnant. We could not possibly add any more pressure then we already feel going in to this round. If it doesn’t work, we’ll cross that bridge. I’m happy to be in this mind space for this cycle. I know what to expect, I’m not scared, I’m ready.
2 1/2 years out and still trying. How do we stay hopeful? Any suggestions? It’s so hard. I expect not to be pregnant now. It makes the letdown month after month so much easier. I don’t cry much anymore when I get my period. I just expect it. A few weeks back I decided to stop trying so hard. No more acupuncture, herbs, teas, vitamins. I just don’t want to keep putting in effort, time, money, etc when it hasn’t worked. So this month we just said fuck it and whatever happens happens. I’m starting IVF anyway if and when I get my period. We decided to try a new clinic- and this one isn’t having me do a rest down before the cycle. So I just start right with my period. Time to shake things up a little, when things aren’t working, change it up.
I am still having bad days mixed with good days. There are moments where I stop dead in my tracks and think- wait, did my baby really die? I still can’t fathom it sometimes. I also cannot believe I can’t seem to get pregnant. I know everyone in this IF world thinks that- but after our loss, it just seems so unfair. I got pregnant easily the first time, no issues. I wasn’t so young either. How many times can I say this? but its 3 years since Silas was conceived. We’re in that phase of his pregnancy where it was so new and so exciting, but 3 friggin years ago! So long ago. I want to feel that again so badly it hurts.
I am going to do restorative yoga, just like the NY times article said to do. (yeah yeah I’m a yogi, I should know this but I generally don’t do restorative). I’m going to stay calm and not stress. Even when I’m poking myself with needles day in and day out & driving almost an hour to the clinic at 6:30am on these really cold winter mornings. I’m going to breathe, and relax and take care of myself. (At least this is my plan).
We now have a few trips planned- Florida to see my parents, and this is immediately after we find out if this cycle worked. Then we are going to Costa Rica for my 40th and for Chris’ bday and so I can do a teacher training. We also have a trip to Lake Tahoe planned for the summer for a wedding. So all of these trips are something to look forward to, regardless of whether I’m pregnant or not. I have chosen not to add that to the equation anymore. It did me no good when planning for my sister’s wedding. It made it complicated and depressing.
Tomorrow is supposed to be warm, the snow is melting and our parking has reappeared. Oh, and we have the cutest new kittens – Puck & Purrsephone, have I mentioned that yet?
I choose to let these little things make me happy these days. It’s all I can do to stay sane.
20 comments
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February 17, 2011 at 1:06 am
caroline
Beautifully written (as usual) Lani. Sarah turned to me at midnight (NYE) at msg and said, “this is our year, things are going to happen”….. I believe it, for all of us, but especially you:) sending love to both you and chris as well as Puck and Purrsephone. xoxo
February 17, 2011 at 4:05 am
Sally
Sending you love, luck and hope Lani. You know how much I want this for you.
xo
February 17, 2011 at 4:13 am
b
One of my friends lost twins 2.5 years ago. That was her first pregnancy. Since then she had a miscarriage, and then was pregnant again only to lose her baby the day she got to 24 weeks. No living children. I cannot get my head round how cruel life is.
We kept factoring in possible pregnancies to planning for my sister’s wedding too. ‘Well I could be five months pregnant… I could be four…. three/two/one… oh. We’ve got all the way here and I’m still not pregnant.’ It was horribly painful. I get it.
Good luck with the IVF. and your kittens are gorgeous.
February 17, 2011 at 9:19 am
m.
Dear Lani. Yes. Can I just cut and paste this into my blog space? And how can it feel simultaneously like a lifetime and a just yesterday that our babies died?
Some nights I dream of children and I wake up with a knowing, a knowing that somehow something will happen. Other days I’m filled with something else. Its not despair, but its not a knowing either. Focusing on little things – like this fabulous tea and ginger snap cookie I am eating right now – helps with the sanity.
Stay sane my friend. Love to you.
February 17, 2011 at 9:51 am
elmcitymom
thank you for the comments friends. does anyone see an ad on here? I don’t on my computer but on my phone I do and Chris saw one on his computer. I cannot seem to figure out how to get rid of it! Any suggestions?
February 17, 2011 at 9:59 am
elmcitymom
Ok, its WordPress putting an ad on my blog. Just an fyi.
February 17, 2011 at 10:05 am
Jess
Oh those kitties! So beautiful.
Lani, sending love and every good wish for you with this cycle. It sounds to me like you have made some brilliant and positive decisions, I’m filled with admiration. x
February 17, 2011 at 10:37 am
Meredith
I’ve been thinking of you guys and it’s so good to get an update. The kittens are adorable and I’m glad you have some fun birthday plans! I’ve heard amazing things about CR. Wishing you guys all the best–you’ll be in my good thoughts as you start up with your new clinic.
February 18, 2011 at 10:34 am
Mindy
Lani,
The very least I can do is to let you know that I am sorry for you and that you still feel sad, but that I am happy that you have such a loving husband and supportive family and friends. I think you are an absolutely physically beautiful woman and an incredible soul.
My love goes out to you always.
Mindy
P.S. Costa Rica is good for the soul!
February 18, 2011 at 1:06 pm
Kristina
Hi Lani.
I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you as you start this round of IVF! I can understand why/how you have all the feelings you do, and even if I didn’t, they’re your feelings to have whether or not anyone understands them. The only thing I wish is that I could help you to get pregnant! I will continue sending love, strength and goodvibes your way. Keep focusing on your day to day life-sounds like you have a lot of great things planned!
((HUGS))
February 18, 2011 at 6:50 pm
Kim
Love you Lani…. you and Chris are never far from my thoughts. Hopes, prayers, vibes… all headed straight at you. xoxo
February 18, 2011 at 9:06 pm
bir
Lani – I think of you often, and hope with all of my heart that this cycle is the magic one. I thoroughly believe in throwing in the towel. Even pretending to throw it in. Trying new things got me where I am right now. But none of it is fun. Hang in there… it’s not over till your body throws in the towel (I kept telling myself that..) and until then you don’t have to be positive and hopeful and all of that, because despite what we believe about the mind, the mind is powerful enough to handle that on it’s own.
I hope that I’m reading different news here sometime very soon, but otherwise, I’m always here reading and sending love.
Oh… and can I come and share your 40th? Mind is next week and there is nothing so exciting organised!
February 20, 2011 at 4:33 pm
Lauren
Still reading and still thinking of you. Went to the U2 360 tour concert at the new Cape Town stadium this weekend. Looked up at the night sky during a mellow moment and was greeted by the beautiful sight of Orion and a magnificent full moon. Thought immediately of Silas and you and Chris xxx
February 21, 2011 at 12:25 pm
Heather
Reading and sending love and hugs…love you guys very much, and want the very best for you both. Really looking forward to seeing you in July!
February 21, 2011 at 1:12 pm
Paige
Much love to you, Lani, and best, best wishes for a fabulously successful IVF round. Nothing by way of suggestions, except that I saw this the other day, so maybe arrange for a visit from a clown? Or make Chris dress up? http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2011/jan/13/pregnancy-ivf-comedy-laughter-clown
I hope we get to connect when you’re here this summer, if you fly through SF. Sending big love and hugs and crossing everything I’ve got for you, my friend. xo
February 23, 2011 at 1:21 am
aliza
sending you love lani
and really hoping this cycle is it for you!
so glad you are going to costa rica for your b-day and other good trips to look forward to and restorative yoga sounds so good too
xoxox
February 23, 2011 at 11:37 pm
Danielle
We got married in Costa Rica, so I can’t imagine a lovelier place for a 40th birthday trip. Sending you love, luck, and peace for this cycle. Right here with you.
February 28, 2011 at 10:57 am
Nuwie
Good luck on this IVF Lani! I am thinking of you and sending all the best vibes I have. You deserve this and you have been amazing at staying strong all this time.
March 14, 2011 at 3:20 am
book fish
Dear, am 30 and lost my baby boy conceived after a long try of one year. Lost him in the NICU. Eleven days after birth. He was premature. Born at 30+ weeks. Perfect beautiful baby. But just lost him like that.
http://babywithlordkrishna.blogspot.com/
Donno if I will ever see him again and another baby but lots of love & hugs to you.
March 31, 2011 at 6:19 am
Tali
Dear Lani,
You don’t know me but my partner and I have been following your story ever since our loss brought us to Glow almost two years ago. Our dead baby came after several IUIs and we moved to IVF since his death (where are all the well meaning friends and relatives who promised me fertility as a reward for my dead baby? Repeated IVFs beg to differ). Anyway, I find myself refreshing your blog every day since mid March and hoping so deeply and thoroughly that your cycle resulted in a pregnancy.
Thank you both for sharing your thoughts, you helped us tremendously over these two years putting our raw yearning into words.
Tali