I liked that the annual Compassionate Friends candle lighting happened to fall on Hanukkah. These days I feel like my thoughts of Silas are just slipping away, and I can’t seem to figure out how to stop it. We don’t do anything to honor him these days. I think we’re just bogged down with everything else. Losing Silas is old news, all this other crap, it is what we deal with in the present. Though his loss is that umbrella with which we stand under of course. We’ve already dealt with the worst, but lately the daily trials and tribulations just seem to get harder and harder to deal with.
Yesterday we had crazy rainstorms all day and it made me so melancholy. Early in the evening I started looking around the apt for Bandha and couldn’t find him. Chris and I ran to the back door and opened it, there stood our kitty, soaking wet and shaken. He was out there for 5 hours, at least! I lost it – in a way that I haven’t in a really long time. Obviously a good cry was waiting for that moment because I sobbed. I sobbed so much harder then I have in a really really long time. I felt so bad, like I was such a terrible mom to do that to my cat. They are my babies right now, my only ones and I didn’t even know he wasn’t here in our apt?
I already felt like a bad mom for the fact that we don’t do anything to honor Silas except when we’re told to “light a candle.” Then I leave my cat in the rain for 5 hours? Ugh. It sucked and I just wanted to be unhappy and mad at myself the rest of the night. It was as if I had to punish myself for everything that is going wrong in our lives right now.
I hate the complaining, the constant complaining. But I also hate the pretending that all is fine. Not sure how to strike that balance but I’m working hard on that every second of every day.
Yesterday I just wanted to be sad. It was one of those days. I know these days are rough for all of us- the holidays are just hard- period. It’s just I feel so empty and missing my baby, and my patience for a new little one to take shape is wearing thin.
Bandha seems fine today. I dried him off, fed him his favorite food and gave him as much love as I could. I held him tight to my body and showered him with kisses and just cried for my babies.
Elm City Mom 
15 comments
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December 14, 2009 at 10:13 pm
Ezra's Mommy
Sigh. You aren’t a bad cat mommy for leaving Bandha out there for 5 hours….Red once escaped and was gone for 5 days…it was devastating and I felt so incredibly guilty. He turned up looking skinny and dirty but was fine. But I know how these kinds of events can open the floodgates. Sending love and hugs.
December 14, 2009 at 10:15 pm
Michele
Sending hugs…
December 14, 2009 at 11:20 pm
Paige
Oh Lani, I can see how this would bring on the tears. Sending you big hugs and so much love. xo
December 15, 2009 at 6:42 am
Sally
Complain all you want. And you don’t have to pretend. I can only imagine how hard it is.
Sending you love Lani. Lots of it.
xo
December 15, 2009 at 9:30 am
Angie
xo I have nothing to offer but an ear and some love. I would have cried hysterically too.
December 15, 2009 at 3:36 pm
mamaliza
oh lani….i know those days and those times when the tears need to flow, with the rain. i think it’s all part of our post trauma. we’ve felt that everything is just harder to deal with after your baby dies. missing our boys with you this holiday.
and sending you lots of love. be gentle with yourself.
xoxo
December 15, 2009 at 5:23 pm
ilostaworld
Glad Bandha is safe and warm again. Sending you love and hoping that things look up soon.
December 15, 2009 at 6:26 pm
WG
Cats can slip right past you. I am glad yours is ok!! And you are not a bad mom. Everyone screws up.
I’ve been thinking more about the false positive on your pregnancy test. It sounds like your doctor’s office only said the blood result was negative, but not by how much. You still may have had a chemical pregnancy and the hcg levels were low enough that they didn’t count it…but the digital test did. If true, you are still able to conceive and it’s a great sign.
Hang in there and please keep us posted. I know you aren’t forgetting Silas and someday his sibling will honor him, too.
December 15, 2009 at 7:27 pm
Kristina
I think you honor Silas every day by continuing to live on. Love you. (((HUGS))
December 16, 2009 at 2:06 pm
asuckerforgerberas
it’s all too difficult, thinking of you.
we lost our cat for over a week and she forgave us 🙂
e*
December 16, 2009 at 7:47 pm
Molly
It’s just so damn hard balancing everything we have to do to survive in the day to day moment so I know what you mean about feeling far away emotionally from remembering and honoring Silas. And I would have freaked out too if my cat had gotten outside for 5 hours. But you’re not a bad mom for either of those things. Your strength and love radiate from you, Lani. Hang in there.
December 17, 2009 at 12:08 pm
loribeth
I’ve been particularly weepy the last week or so too. I think it’s all the stress & emotion of the season, piling up on top of everything else. (((hugs)))
December 18, 2009 at 11:32 am
keira
Once, a neighbor’s cat spent a very cold winter night on their roof, while I spent the night weepily looking out the window. I felt so guilty that we couldn’t reach him with our ladder and animal control refused to come until the morning. He was fine. And sure enough, a week later he was on that roof again. Cats are like that.
Anyway, I’m thinking about you guys and sending lots of good thoughts.
xoxo
December 21, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Heather
Reading, thinking about you guys, and sending love. Lani, you could never be a bad Mom…you’re an amazing person with so much to give & offer. A little time in the rain…consider it a ‘cleanse’. Love you!
December 31, 2009 at 10:43 pm
cs
I haven’t commented in a while, but I’m always thinking about you and following both of your blogs. I hope everything turns around this year for you and the next decade brings you bucket loads of joy to make up for the past two. Lots of love and happy New Year.
Caroline