Last week I found the lowest of the lows.  I had some bad days in there, days where it felt like I won’t ever feel ok again.

But then here I am, feeling ok. Very ok even. I allowed myself to go there, to sink deep in the sadness, in order to feel the highs, the joy and the fun.

Last Thursday was a crazy day. I had to rush from one school to the next, all day long. I went from here to there and back again. My last class was at a yoga center and I taught until 5:30. The problem was that I needed to make a 5:56 train to NYC to make an 8:00 Phish show. I had some new students coming, so leaving early wasn’t a possibility. The owner of the studio offered to drive me to the train, and promised she’d get me there on time.

All week I had worked hard to figure out how I could make this train. I bought my ticket the day before. I scoped out places to possibly park my car if I drove myself. I asked some friends for a ride based on the possibility of leaving early. When Jen offered me the ride, I accepted knowing full well that we may not make it.

When I got in the car and the time drew closer and closer to 5:56, I was actually very calm. Jen, who promised to get me there on time- she was the one who was so nervous! I just thought to myself-

“If I don’t make it, no big deal.”

I had to. Otherwise I was setting myself up for a huge disappointment. And we all know how that goes. These days I find that I am talking myself into and out of all sorts of things in order to cope.

But, I made it, out of breath and with minutes to spare.  The train ride turned out to be as relaxing as it gets. After such a long day & the possibility of missing it, I was positively giddy! I did my crosswords, listened to the previous nights show on my ipod and just chilled out.

When I arrived, I had exactly 20 min to get from Grand Central to MSG. The race was on! Somehow, public transportation got me there meeting Chris inside as the opening notes began to play. By the time we got to our seats, I was so raring to go and thrilled that I pulled it off!

I had a great night. The music naturally takes my mind to places I sometimes don’t want to go. Like in Albany. Not this time- I made sure of it.

I had been so nervous that my downward spiral was just that. I really believed I would never get back out. That night I made a conscious choice to feel good and it worked.

The next day was also a lot of fun. We went and did a coffee cupping at the distributor where Chris buys his green beans to roast up for all his accounts.  A coffee cupping is kind of like a wine tasting. There is a whole methodology to it and I’m learning so much more about coffee then I’d ever imagined!

The show Friday night blew Thursdays out of the water. It was unbelievable, they were on fire. They played everything I wanted to hear, and it was just a perfect night of letting loose. Letting all the piles of shit fall off my shoulders as I danced my ass off.

Don’t get me wrong, all is not perfect right now. Far from it. The point is that I can still go there. I can find that joy- the fun, the place where I don’t feel like my world is caving in on me. I started getting nervous that I may not be able to do that.

I look back on how awful it felt to hear the news, and then how I needed to process it in order to feel ok with it. I’m sure that for some time, as long as I’m not pregnant, it will still be hard. All that matters is that today I don’t feel like I’m buried, unable to come up for air.

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