The song Sorrow by Pink Floyd came on my ipod today while I was driving and I thought about how that word just nails how I’ve felt this summer.
Yesterdays -all of a sudden- fall weather threw me for a loop. After all the heat and humidity, to get this burst of fall sent a pit to my stomach that is unmistakable. It is that feeling of dread, that feeling I’ve felt only once before and that was last year this time.
The change of seasons now, of summer to fall, will always signify the impending birth and death of Silas. I remember that feeling all too well of hanging in our yard with our various friends and family members, weeks after Silas died, watching the leaves and acorns cover our yard. This time of year will never be the same again. It just feels too soon for it to happen. It’s still August – I just wasn’t prepared for it.
Both Chris and I felt it yesterday. We didn’t even have to talk about it, but we acknowledged the change in the weather and that deep, dark pit it left in our stomachs. It’s been a tough summer for me. I haven’t worked all that much, and when I have, I’ve felt like I’ve lost my passion a bit. I’m a lost puppy right now. In between 2 lives. One that I’ve lived and one that I want.
It makes it really hard to be satisfied and fulfilled when you are treading in that in between place. I can’t ever have my old life back. The easy-going fun with friends & music & innocence. I don’t have that life I’ve been wanting now for what seems like years. We’ve been living here in New Haven for almost 3 years. This longing for a child has been with me for longer then that. We started trying way back when we returned from our 3 month honeymoon in SE Asia. That seems like a lifetime ago and a really long time to be wanting something.
I am taking a trip out west in a few weeks and I’ll be gone for almost a month. I’ve had that need to get away for a bit, to maybe find those parts of myself that I lost. I have my sister’s bach party in Vegas, a quick stint in LA, our friends wedding in Napa, some SF time and then my sisters wedding in Colorado. Instead of the back and forth, I decided to make it a west coast journey, with time off to recharge, renew and let go. Chris will be coming out for both weddings so as soon as I start missing him, luckily I’ll get to see him. Being without him will be hard, but I know we’ll manage. It’s really the kitties I’m worried about. I miss them when we’re gone overnight!
The strange part of all of it is that we’ll be apart on Sept 25. I am doing a Kids Yoga teacher training that weekend in Berkeley and Chris will be home in New Haven. I know it will be hard for us to be apart on that day. But every single day of my life is hard now, so really, how much harder will that be for us? It’s just how it worked out.
Last week we rented a beach house with friends for a few days. The Phish shows we saw were really fun, but the real highlight was getting to swim in the ocean. Oh, how amazing it feels to dive in and under huge waves, and ride them to shore. I felt like I was able to leave behind some of the sorrow and grumpiness I’ve been holding inside me these last few months. Then yesterday’s winds and cold came and brought it right back.
I tried really hard to not pay attention to my cycle this time around. But since it lasted for 40 excruciating days, it made it almost impossible to ignore. Days 32 & 33 I thought, “hmmm, where are you period?” I know you are coming. Days 34-36 I thought, ok, this has happened before, I don’t feel pregnant, you must be coming any minute. Days 37 – 39, ok, well, now it’s really really late. I must be pregnant. Right? BFN. Ok, so I’m not. Where the hell are you then? And onto day 40, I finally drank some ginger tea and bam, there she was. And so it goes. Story of my life. If I’m not going to be pregnant, then why can’t my periods just come on time? Why do I have to be fucked with? So unfair. Of course I googled “late period after failed IVF” and a shitload of posts from every baby/fertility site came up. I guess I should have done that a week before and spared myself the torture of thinking, am I? Is this normal?
I’ve been doing the acupuncture, chinese herbs, red clover, red raspberry leaf & nettles tea, royal jelly, false unicorn root path and so I just assumed all that would have helped my cycle get regular. Even though I am taking all these herbs and eating the right foods (though I have not given up beer- I have to have a little fun right?) and all that, I also did not pay attention to my cycle at all. I didn’t even know I was late until I went to my acupuncturist who said, oh, today is day 32 of your cycle. What? Oh, how ’bout that. I was proud of myself for not counting all month and not paying attention to any of it.
And look where that got me.
So, as my sorrowful summer comes to a close, I am going to continue to stay thankful for all the little things I do have in my life right now: Chris, the kitties, being back to my pre-baby weight (yay!) and a super fantastic Vegas weekend to kick off a few weeks of much needed travel.
14 comments
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August 24, 2010 at 3:06 pm
Tamara
I hope your West Coast adventures bring you some joy. Know that you’re always on my mind and in my heart. xo
August 24, 2010 at 11:39 pm
dani819
“Between two lives- one that I’ve lived and one that I want.” That’s it exactly.
Hope your travels bring joy, adventure, and sunshine- both the kind outside and the kind in your heart. Sending much love.
August 25, 2010 at 7:15 am
Sally
As my season of grief passes, I naturally think of you, Chris and Silas as I know your turn is coming. Can’t quite believe it has been two years.
I’m so sorry this summer didn’t bring you that one thing you wanted so much and tried so hard for.
You know I am always here for you and send love and positive energy every day.
xo
August 25, 2010 at 4:02 pm
Kristina
Hi Lani.
I think of you all the time…not just on the 25th of each month, but I do especially think of you on the 25th. It’s hard to comprehend that it’s almost been 2 years since you lost Silas. I wish I could rip the sorrow right out of your world for you. I hope Vegas and your time out west treat you well. Will continue sending fertility vibes your way. I so want you to have the family you yearn for! Love you lady.
((HUGS))
August 25, 2010 at 10:55 pm
Meredith
Thinking of you and Chris and Silas. Hope that you have a wonderful time with family and friends out west. The visit to the beach sounded wonderful…I will look forward to reading about your travels.
August 26, 2010 at 2:47 am
Tina
and friends!! you have lots of loving friends who can’t wait to spend time with you (and chris) when you come to sf. love you lots lani. xoxo
August 28, 2010 at 2:10 pm
Christa
Lots of love to you Lani. I hope your trip out west is restorative and full of joyful moments. Can’t wait to see you. xoxo
August 28, 2010 at 11:50 pm
mamaliza
thinking so much about you, chris and silas.
and sending you so much love
hope we get a chance to see each other when you come out this way.
xoxo
August 29, 2010 at 11:01 am
WG
Aunt Flo sucks. She is such a bitch.
My mother in law told me yesterday about bumping into her neighbor…her neighbor is 45 and just had a baby. She and her husband were in the middle of the process to do a Russian adoption because she couldn’t get pregnant for years…and then she did. At 45! I don’t know if those stories are comforting or not, but I thought I’d post that.
I love this line: “In between 2 lives. One that I’ve lived and one that I want.”
I hope soon the time will come when you can look back on that line and feel that you’ve gotten closer to returning to the life you want, even if it will never be the same as it was. This in-between part, between TTC and motherhood, is so hard because you don’t know how long it will last. And then bam.
August 30, 2010 at 4:34 pm
Sheila
Love you Lani. and thinking about you guys and Silas as the weather starts to change slowly and September approaches. I wish you a wonderful west-coast tour of friends and family and I hope the trip is everything you deserve it to be.
August 31, 2010 at 10:00 pm
Ken Shuman
During your west coast trip you will be filled with love and surrounded by friends and family. The weather will be warm, the sky will be filled with sun and my hope is will you be rejuvenated.
Lots of love – Shuman
September 6, 2010 at 8:25 pm
Leslie Schuster
Hi Lani.
I know it has been quite a long time since I have commented on any of your posts. I think of you often & am so deeply sorry for your great loss. I can’t believe it has almost been 2 years.
I truly hope you are able to enjoy your time away. Please congratulate Jamie for me—I look forward to seeing pics of the wedding on FB.
Lots of good wishes are prayers your way….
-Leslie
December 24, 2010 at 10:02 pm
noithataz
Keep updating your blog with valuable information. Thanks.
August 22, 2011 at 4:50 am
thiet ke noi that dep
Your travel is great, i hope you have more happy and exciting adventure. Thanks.