I cannot believe it’s been almost 3 years since the birth and death of my first born son. Our lives would have been so different had we had a 3 year old running around here. I miss Silas, the promise of Silas, what could have been our amazing little boy. I feel cheated of his life and what these last 3 years could have been. Of course we made the best of it, in all the ways that we could. We have amazing people in our lives that are supportive and awesome which has helped. I write here often of all the things we do to make our lives full and fun, but a piece of our hearts will always be missing, despite what we try to do to find that happiness.
This year feels different now that I’m pregnant. Last year we were apart for this weekend. I was traveling out west and Chris was here at home. It was hard on both of us, and we promised not to let something like that happen again. With the beginning of Sept comes the natural anxiety. It brings us both instantly back to this time 3 years ago, waiting for our baby to be born. All the things we had to do to get ready, the weather changing and with it a change of seasons. It’s really strange how much our bodies just sense this timing and naturally react to it. This week in particular I’ve been overly emotional. Today I woke up just pissed. I didn’t feel like getting up, going to teach, and really doing much of anything. I still feel mopey and sad and knew that a blog post was important to help me get through it.
This last month has been emotional on so many levels. Chris definitely feels like he is powerless and thus needs to try to protect me as much as possible. I’m sure it’s hard for the guys to have to sit back and watch this unfold, without being able to control every move we make. I go about my day, teaching, driving, cooking, etc and just hope for the best. I hope that I don’t slip and fall, or get in a car accident, or do anything that could take away this precious life inside me. Chris watches me with bated breath, still wishing he could use that bubble wrap and keep me protected from harm until this little guy lands screaming in our arms. Since that is not practical, and yes, I have to live my life, we just try to work it out, communicate our fears and needs, and breathe that big sigh of relief that we got through another day.
We are close to picking our baby’s birthdate which feels awesome and weird at the same time. I had a Dr. appt today and a date is being requested, but they can’t schedule until 32 weeks, and I’m at almost 31. I can’t even believe sometimes how my whole perception of birth has changed since losing Silas. I am thrilled to be with doctors (though I love the 2 midwives in the group too), can’t wait to deliver in a hospital, and am truly looking forward to my scheduled c-section. I want a healthy, live, screaming baby and if this is how it’s done, I’m all for it.
So here we are, just patiently waiting for our first real live baby in our arms. I feel so close I can taste it, but man, 8 more weeks! arghhh!! I’m so ready for this. Every single day, I look at my belly and give thanks. I still cannot believe it- that I am really pregnant, and that it’s almost time to deliver this miracle child. With all the fertility treatments we went through, I feel like this babe inside me is truly a ray of sunshine that we worked so hard for. Every little kick reminds me of that, every day.
Despite all that, I do complain sometimes, even though I said I wouldn’t! Pregnancy is hard on my body- I tire easily, my feet get swollen, I’m uncomfortable as can be, I sleep poorly. Chris is quick to remind me how much we wanted this, but sometimes I can’t help myself!! I am truly thrilled, of course, but I am ready though. This baby feels like 4 years in the making- which is a hell of a long time to wait for a baby.
The hardest part though lately has been answering the question-
“Is this your first?”
It happens up to 5 times a day. Most of the time I say yes, just to make it easier on all of us. But I feel terrible about it every single time. In some ways I want everyone to know about Silas, but I know it’s just not appropriate to share what happened sometimes. I don’t think it will ever be easy, regardless of how I answer. It’s always followed up with a truly uncomfortable conversation that I really don’t want to have.
To get through this tough weekend, we made sure to make awesome plans. We are going to NYC and walking the Highline, meeting up with friends, seeing Wilco at Summerstage in Central Park, staying with my brother and sis in law who have all kinds of fun planned for us all weekend. The anticipation leading up is always harder then the actual day. That seems to be true each year. Maybe somehow my body knows though, that even though Sept 25 was the day I gave birth, it was a Thursday, so today was really the day it all went down. I just want to be sad and melancholy today, it just feels right.
As always, thank you for all your support, those who read, and those who read and comment. I am not much of a blog reader these days, but I truly appreciate that there are so many of you who still read and comment and follow our story. I may find myself writing more and more as the time gets closer to baby, and as the anxiety & excitement increases.
So please light a candle for our little Silas Orion on Sunday, look up to his stars, and give your kids a hug for us. xo
25 comments
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September 22, 2011 at 4:14 pm
Josh
Thank-you for the update. I have been following since our little Margot died and am glad to hear that everything is still well with your second. You’re fucking right, four years is a long time to wait for a baby.
Remembering Silas today.
September 22, 2011 at 4:24 pm
Michele
You two are very strong people….I will keep you in my thoughts as always
September 22, 2011 at 6:34 pm
Mindy
Thanks for that post, Lani. Thank you so much for sharing and getting it out. Although I’m certain I’ve managed to block the actual date of September 25 out (I had no idea what the actual date was) my body knew something, too. I wanted to write to you today to tell you I’m thinking of you. Crazy. Yet not so crazy. Silas released some huge energy into this universe on that date. And look at that, it’s being used to make others think lovingly about his parents.
And Lani, you go ahead and state how you feel. If you’re tired, say it. If you’re uncomfortable, release it. If you’re impatient, lament it. Expressing your discomfort about how you feel physically is in no way a statement against how happy and thankful you are. It’s just honest. (And probably healthy to get it out.)
Tons of love to you and Bones!
September 22, 2011 at 7:52 pm
Lori
I’m so happy for you, you are nearly there! Sending much love to you both, have a great time in the city. Will think of you and Silas on Sunday. x
September 22, 2011 at 9:03 pm
jaimie
what a beautiful post. sadly, i too recall the changing of this lovely season and the memory it brings to a time where there was supposed to be a baby in our lives. and i also get asked frequently if this is ‘the first’ in the family and for the grandparents and i am more fortunate to answer that you are pregnant now and will give birth first and what a blessing it is that we are both pregnant at the same time… but the question is still haunting… i do sometimes tell the story because i feel the need to tell it. but not always. but it is more important what i know then what they know. and what i know is that you are going to be an amazing mom and i love you.
September 22, 2011 at 9:11 pm
Monique
It’s unreal that 3 years have passed without him. And totally unfair. I wish he were here, Lani. Remembering your beautiful boy with you.
September 23, 2011 at 12:32 am
karen
Sending love your way, Lani and Chris ❤
September 23, 2011 at 12:34 am
Laura
I was just talking about Silas today; didn’t even realize it’s the Thursday of. Love you, Lan. Can’t wait to spend the weekend w/you guys. XO
September 23, 2011 at 12:40 am
lesliedp
I will be thinking of Silas on Sunday.. sending you love and light….
September 23, 2011 at 1:43 am
Angie
I’ll be lighting a candle on Sunday for Silas, beautiful boy, much loved and missed in this world. Funny how deeply we connect in this strange village created from the loss of our children, that I feel like I know Silas, because of the love you and Chris have for him and the words you share about him. I miss him like I knew him. Three years is so long, too long, without him.
I think of you both often, and 32 weeks (eep). xo
September 23, 2011 at 1:46 am
Merry
Remembering silas with you. yours was one of the first stories I read when I stumbled screaming on to glow and I think of him often.
Everything crossed for your next few weeks.
September 23, 2011 at 11:55 am
Meredith
Thinking of you, Chris, and baby Silas with love. Also praying for your sweet second son’s safe and healthy arrival. Hugs to you guys.
September 23, 2011 at 12:30 pm
mom
remembering our beautiful baby who will forever be in our hearts…..the question always is….is this your first grandchild….and i, like the rest of us often need to tell our story so that people know.
but today i am happy in anticipation of the two wonderful happy healthy babies i am planning to hold in my arms until i just burst with love and happiness.
i am so happy for you lani …and for jaimie and for our family that is going to dance in the street when we hear those babies’ cries.
continue to play it out whatever way works for you ….
and know we are a family that is surrounded by love….
his spirit will return in his new brother.
September 23, 2011 at 3:49 pm
Amy
I think about Silas as this weekend draws near and Liam’s 4th birthday approaches too. I hope you have a peaceful weekend. Remembering our boys as another year passes.
September 23, 2011 at 11:17 pm
Hanen
Beautiful post Lani. We’ll be remembering Silas and looking at the stars on Sunday. So glad to hear the pregnancy is going well and that you’re so close. Hang in there!
September 24, 2011 at 9:40 am
Danielle
Thinking about Silas on his weekend, and honoring his precious life and all the precious moments that should have been.
Hoping for a beautiful celebration of his memory this weekend, and hoping for more celebrating of a new, screaming, wiggly life in the weeks to come.
September 24, 2011 at 1:17 pm
Kristina
Lani,
You look amazing! 🙂 Being 32 weeks pregnant isn’t easy and you have every right to express how you’re feeling. It doesn’t take away from how grateful you are to be pregnant again. Although Silas isn’t physically here with you, he is a part of your family and always thought of when we think of you and Chris. We will be sending extra love your way and to beautiful Silas this weekend as we honor his third full year in all of our lives. (((HUGS)))
September 24, 2011 at 2:01 pm
wavybrains
Could you please delete my first comment? I really screwed up my url and I am afraid of spam bots finding me! Much, much love to you and Chris and the new little boy inside of you.
September 25, 2011 at 12:11 pm
K
I’m 7 weeks pregnant with my subsequent little baby. Like you, I was so sure I could be more grateful this time around. It would all feel different…I was sure of it. But the truth is I’m just as sick, just as tired, and just as hormonally emotional as I was last time around. And it’s just hard.
Thanks for sharing. Thinking of you as you enter this home stretch.
September 25, 2011 at 1:46 pm
Christa
Thinking of you, Chris and Silas. Sending lots of love and light. We will light a candle for Silas today and give Carly some extra special love. Sending love to the new little one still growing inside you, so exticed to hear when his birthday will be. xoxo
September 25, 2011 at 2:48 pm
Melissa
thinking of silas orion today, we feel his spirit all around us. love you.
September 25, 2011 at 7:27 pm
mira
Lani, thinking of you, Chris & Silas today. Sending you so much love. It was really nice to meet you at wanderlust, blessings to you all.
September 25, 2011 at 10:43 pm
sarah
thinking of you today, lani. sending you much love and lighting a candle for silas out here in california. xo
September 28, 2011 at 12:05 am
Hope's Mama
What a beautiful outlook on birth you have. You’re so right, it doesn’t matter how they get here, only that they arrive healthy and alive. Shame we had to learn such harsh lessons, but this really is how it is.
Like Angie, I miss Silas like I knew him. I have been thinking of you guys so much and can’t wait to hear of the news that baby boy number two is here safe and well. Love you guys heaps.
xo
October 5, 2011 at 3:36 pm
Reader
Awww. Beautiful post. I am so glad you are closer to your screaming boy. Complain all you want. You deserve it.