I’d like to thank my friend Angie from Still Life With Circles for putting this project out there for us to participate in. Angie is an incredible force in this community and her blog was one I read daily way back when. I don’t read many blogs these days. I write on mine every so often, but it feels different then when I first lost Silas. Back then, it was my lifeline. It was what kept me sane. I devoured blogs, commented daily and made a group of friends who also lost babies around the same time. Our lives have progressed differently since then. Some went on to have subsequent babies pretty quickly, others, like me, took a lot longer, while still others have yet to conceive again. Though our paths were different after our losses, our stories & comments kept each other sane and able to move forward through the early months of heartache, pain and devastation. I will always cherish those beginning friendships and the strong connections we made. These women just got me, they knew what I was feeling and were there for me no matter what.
I sometimes go back and read my early posts, from when I guest wrote on my husband Chris’s blog Elm City Dad. I was raw, angry, sad, depressed. You name an emotion and I felt it. I was honest though about how I felt. I knew people in my life were reading, people who knew and loved me. It didn’t change what and how I wrote, I knew that they actually used our blogs as a tool to help them deal with us. We told it like it was- putting it all out there with real, honest emotion.
I think that because of our blogs, we are still super close to all our friends. It was their way of connecting to us in helping to know what we were going through. Our friends found it easier to contact us because of it. Having email, text, fb, gchat and blog comments gives us so many outlets to communicate and I appreciated every single one of them. I didn’t need my friends calling me. I didn’t need people to worry about “how I was doing.” My blog shared that, and if you took the time to comment or email or text, I let you know that I was ok. They knew and understood I couldn’t see their new babies, couldn’t send a gift or call/write to congratulate them. The jealousy, oh the jealousy. This part of me was a huge loss- not being able to see, hear, watch, read about babies. They were everywhere and it was almost impossible to navigate.
Those early days were so incredibly hard. I couldn’t lose the weight, couldn’t get pregnant, didn’t have my son and really couldn’t make sense of this world that came crashing in on me. I am one of those people though that couldn’t hide in my bed all day, every day, even though I thought that was what I wanted. Chris and I went out, saw friends & lots of music. Leaned on our amazing families & friends a lot. I practiced yoga, went to bootcamps & therapy, and continued my work as a children’s yoga teacher. I struggled through it all, but I think that because we continued to live life, through our loss and grief, really brought us to where we are today. We are still devastated by our loss, but we don’t wear our grief on our sleeve. We worked through it, around it, inside and out. I will always miss him, til the day I die – but my heart isn’t aching like it did in that first year. Sometimes I can’t believe I’m still standing, and other times I am proud to be still standing.
I am finally pregnant again, exactly 2 years & 8 months later. It took a really long time for that to happen. I think for me, it made this journey a bit more tumultuous. My time was spent grieving the loss of my sweet little first born son Silas and then it was spent trying to get pregnant again. After awhile, it turned into just trying to get pregnant again. Silas was there in my heart, but his loss wasn’t my focus anymore. I was determined to get pregnant and after a year of trying on our own, it was time to venture into the land of infertility drugs. I couldn’t believe this was our life. First we lost our child at birth, and then we can’t get pregnant? That just seemed truly fucked up. I mean seriously? We tried every fertility treatment out there, and finally, became pregnant after our 3rd IVF attempt. I am currently 13w4d and was feeling great until last night. We had a bit of a bleeding scare, but found out I have placenta previa and it’s pretty common. Now I am just told to take it easy which I’m attempting to do.
This pregnancy is fraught with the feeling of it being our last hope to have a child. It finally happened and I wont let anything take it from me. Last night, right after the toilet was filled with blood, I sobbed with the thought of having to start this process over again. It can’t possibly be happening. But the bleeding stopped, the ultrasound showed a heartbeat and a healthy baby, and I’m now required to chill out. At this point, I will do what I’m told. Chris wants to wrap me in bubble wrap and put me in a closet and not let me out til I’m ready to birth this baby.
Now that I’m finally here though, I am finding a new relationship with Silas and his loss. I still get choked up when I see my friends kids who were born around when he was. I sometimes can’t believe I could be parenting a 2 1/2 year old. That always breaks my heart. I am constantly now required to answer the question “is this your first?” This brings up all kinds of feelings and emotions about whether to share and break someone’s heart? or pretend Silas didn’t exist? It’s a very challenging question to answer, no matter how I choose to answer it. I always hesitate and I still haven’t figured it out it in the moment.
Silas taught me so many lessons. He taught me that everything in life doesn’t always work out & things don’t happen for a reason (sometimes shitty things just happen). He taught me patience. He allowed me to fall even more in love with my husband (which I didn’t think was possible). I gained a better appreciation for what I have & more empathy for those who are suffering. Over time I’ve learned that when shitty things happen to me, I don’t have to blame myself for it. Blame and guilt, 2 huge emotions that come with loss. I worked through those emotions, and while I’m not completely healed of them, I don’t beat myself up anymore. Silas Orion will always be a light in my life, will always hold a space in my heart and will always be the big brother to the next little Gallagher to come our way.
36 comments
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May 25, 2011 at 7:55 pm
kindbits
Powerful post, Lani. Thanks for including us all on your journey. We’re glad everything turned out ok last night, and take the advice given…. chill out and take it easy!!! Tell Chris to give me a call if he needs more bubble wrap!!!
Shawn
May 25, 2011 at 9:06 pm
Angie
I remember when I first read your words on Chris’ blog and then I met you. Our losses just a few months apart. There is a kinship from that place of shared horror. In the beginning, we were all right there, keening into our pillows, sending blog posts through the computer, trying to find anyone who got it. And we found each other and the others. Silas became a baby I suddenly missed too. I sometimes grieve for all our babies whose mothers I know and mourn with. It is amazing to think that it has been two plus years since we “met” and what has passed. And what holds for the future. But for right now, grateful your little one is okay. Bleeding is so bloody scary. Sending you both love. And thanks for participating. It is a great post. xo
May 25, 2011 at 9:51 pm
Sally
Thank you for sharing this with us, Lani. I hope to join in myself, as my blog is sorely neglected these days, but that seems common for us mamas, approaching the three year mark. I always thought our stories would follow a similar path (at least I really hoped they would) after Hope and Silas died, but we did hit that fork in the road and I went one way, and you the other. You know I wanted so much for you to be experiencing the joy, post loss, that I was. I’m so glad, that even after all of these years (oh my god, has it really been YEARS) you are finally at this point in your life. Though I know you have a long way to go, it really is exciting to think about what your future holds. Even if it is hard for you to imagine now, through all of your fears (and my god, I’m so sorry about the recent scare) I will hold on to that hope for you. That is what others did for me when I couldn’t believe it for myself. I feel it is the least I can do for you now.
I’m so glad, that even though we did end up in very different places after our very similar beginnings to this awful grieving process, that we’ve been able to remain friends and still chat from time to time. I know I’ve never met you, but I have a strong feeling that I will one day. Our children will buzz around at our feet, and we’ll never forget our precious firstborns, who brought us together in the first place.
Love you guys. Remembering Silas.
xo
May 25, 2011 at 10:47 pm
Christine
Lani.. this was so incredible. I found so much solace in the blogs in the early years, the strangers on the computer screen understood. Very sadly, they understood. Friendships were developed , private club for those who have lost a child..Remembering Silas with you.. thank you for sharing a glimpse into your life..
May 25, 2011 at 10:53 pm
yachun
Oh, the subsequent pregnancy. NOT easy at all. Although I did find that having (some) more time after helped.
Take care
May 26, 2011 at 1:48 am
Hanen
Hey Lani, I’d read about Silas from Chris’ posts at Glow, but hadn’t found your blog before, so hello. I’m so sorry you lost Silas, and that getting pregnant again has been so hard. We’re on IVF now too after losing our daughter 17 months ago at 34w. I always get a little leap in my heart when I hear about people being pregnant from IVF. So glad to hear that heartbeat was still there after the scary bleeding – grow strong little one!
May 26, 2011 at 10:40 am
Kristina
Always thinking of you guys-you, Chris, Silas and the unborn little one-and sending love and strength your way. Life is an amazing journey. Hoping you don’t have any more scares through the rest of this pregnancy. ((HUGS))
May 26, 2011 at 12:11 pm
Meredith
I have been thinking of you and Chris and sending warm thoughts. I admire so much your closeness as a couple and your love for your family, friends, music, yoga, coffee, &c. The past 2.5 years you guys have been through so much and I appreciate your writing / speaking through the grief and pain. Please keep us updated on how you’re doing and feeling during the second trimester. Remembering sweet Silas as always.
May 26, 2011 at 12:33 pm
curlsofred
Thinking of Silas and wishing you an utterly boring pregnancy with no more frightful surprises. I always joked about that with my rainbow pregnancy, but in all seriousness, it’d be nice for all BLM’s to catch a break the next time(s) around. Thank you for sharing about your path to this post, and I wish you and Chris much peace.
May 26, 2011 at 3:35 pm
A reader
Your last paragraph is so beautiful, as is this: “Sometimes I can’t believe I’m still standing, and other times I am proud to be still standing.”
I am glad that you and Chris are so much in love, because for some couples, treatments and losses just tear them apart (esp when they are not on the same page, or when they don’t want another child with equal fervor). You are lucky that you have each other.
I know how you feel about not wanting anything to get in the way. I had an ultrasound every 2 wks with my baby just because I was so scared. It turned out that my pregnancy went off without a hitch, but I was still scared. I also got induced at exactly 40w1d because I was getting so nervous that something would happen. I wanted that baby out of me and breathing and living.
I guess you are on bedrest, so please stay in bed!!! Use your laptop and pass the time. I know it’s boring, but I guess you gotta do that.
I am so glad you are doing well. Please write more!
May 26, 2011 at 5:20 pm
Jane
You are in my thoughts as always Lani. Sending love!
May 26, 2011 at 5:38 pm
ilostaworld
Beautiful post, Lani. I really admire your honesty and openness to sharing your feelings – in the early days and now. I still don’t have a standard answer to “Is this your first” I pause, and consider, and sometimes I tell the truth of my heart.
I am so grateful for that good heartbeat. I kind of want to wrap you in bubble wrap, too.
Thinking of Silas and crossing my fingers for you, Chris and this new little one.
May 27, 2011 at 12:35 am
Shaina Gadow
Thank you so much for sharing where you are right now and where you have been in this journey. My son’s name was also Silas and I lost him during labor at 42 weeks. It feels good to know that your Silas is now a light in your life. Although I am so much earlier in this (only two and a half months), I feel I can relate to you and your journey a lot. I have stepped back into life as shitty as that is, but it feels good to be out, to work, to see friends, to live (even if I feel so dead inside). I also have found a new love and new connectedness and appreciation for my husband. Losing Silas has definitely brought us closer together and I am so thankful to have him by my side.
Wishing you all the luck in your pregnancy. 🙂
Shaina
May 31, 2011 at 7:04 pm
elmcitymom
wow, that is unreal. I never ever come across another Silas- ever. To hear that you lost your child named Silas is heartbreaking. Thanks for writing and sharing your story. Keep moving in and out and through this process. Sending you so much love. xo Lani
May 27, 2011 at 3:49 am
TracyOC
Lani,
I’m not sure that I’ve ever been happier about a pregnancy than I am about yours and I think I might agree with Chris on the bubble wrap and closet plan. If you do end up on bedrest at some point, know that it gets easier after the first week.
There’s something so fearless about this post and everything you and Chris write that I really admire/appreciate. Your grief for Silas, and the way you celebrate his presence in your life is very touching and inspiring. How I wish he was here with you.
May 27, 2011 at 6:35 am
Finding My New Normal
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am a new follower from Angie’s project. I am also 40 and trying again after losing my son. I can relate to your feelings of fear and hope. I hope that we both get to bring home healthy babies someday very soon.
May 27, 2011 at 10:53 am
Jeanette
Lani, thank you for this. I don’t comment often, but I do read, and often think of Silas. Wishing you all the very best with this pregnancy.
May 27, 2011 at 12:33 pm
afteriris
Lovely, Lani. So, so lovely.
The thing that really struck me about this post was how wonderful your relationships are with your friends. That makes my heart glad.
x
May 27, 2011 at 1:28 pm
Sara
I found too that pregnancy made me see, face, deal with my loss in a different way. Then too having a living child put a new spin on all of it too.
I hope all goes well with the rest of your pregnancy (no more scares!)
May 27, 2011 at 3:40 pm
tamara
really beautiful post, lani! so much resonates about your healing journey…and as always, i’m lurking from the left coast, rooting you and chris on! seems like the universe is conspiring with you on this one, and reminding you to be gentle and good to yourself; chris’s bubble wrap idea sounds like a perfect contingency plan should it be needed, but with all of your resources, i’m sure you will embrace this opportunity to be relaxed and present throughout your pregnancy.
all the best — tamara xo
May 27, 2011 at 4:16 pm
Barbara
Beautiful post. I too wish you a very boring pregnancy from now on.
xxx
May 29, 2011 at 6:40 am
Catherine W
I am so glad that the recent bleed is nothing to worry about. Subsequent pregnancies are so scary, bring on the bubble wrap. Hoping so much for you and Chris that the remaining months are peaceful, with no more scares.
As previous commenters have said, I think that your friendships and marriage are truly amazing. It is so difficul for relationships to survive experiences like these.
Remembering your beautiful son, Silas Orion xo
May 29, 2011 at 3:56 pm
loribeth
I think I’ve read both Chris’s blog & yours from the start, although I don’t comment a lot. It’s always a treat to read a new post from either one of you, & I am hoping your new little Gallagher arrives safe & sound. : )
May 31, 2011 at 11:49 am
Tracy
You are such a strong beautiful woman Lani. I am here with you every step of the way and if you need anything at all, just a phone call, or e-mail away. Don’t hesitate and listen to your body (and your doctor)…take it easy.
Much love,
xxoo
May 31, 2011 at 5:46 pm
A reader
Did you see the comment on Silas’ birth story from the mom who also lost a son named Silas? Just wanted to make sure you didn’t miss her comment.
May 31, 2011 at 7:05 pm
elmcitymom
yes! she commented here too. Unbelievable. I never meet another Silas ever- to hear about another loss of a Silas is really sad.
June 1, 2011 at 10:50 am
A reader
Yes, it is. I am glad you found each other though.
June 1, 2011 at 12:27 pm
Briana
Thank you for sharing this, Lani. I’m moved every time I read one of your posts. I’m very sorry that you have suffered through the loss of Silas and my heart swells with the hope and beauty of what’s to come for you and Chris. Much Love! xoxo
June 1, 2011 at 6:56 pm
brianna
I remember reading about your Silas in the very early days of my own loss. Maybe in the grand scheme of things these are still the early days for both of us. I am expecting our second child too and these past 29 weeks have been both wonderful and terrifying. I wish you the best in the upcoming months.
I am envious of the fact that writing on your blog has kept you close to family and friends through these years. I wish that I could feel that same sort of connection with my own through what I have written. Instead I usually just feel exposed.
Thank you for sharing Silas’ story with us.
June 3, 2011 at 9:28 pm
Alissa
Hi Lani,
I’m here from Angie’s Project and am so glad I found your blog. As I usually say, I hate to meet under these circumstances, but I’m glad to have found you and your story. Silas is one amazing little guy…. Hoping for a safe and healthy pregnancy the rest of the way. Sending hugs your way.
June 4, 2011 at 12:17 pm
Josh
This might be one of the more hopeful posts I’ve read in the ‘right where i am’ project. Or maybe one of the posts I most identified with – at least in the sense that “I hope I can be where she is at one day.” (we are only 70+ days out from losing Margot).
I’m so sorry you lost Silas. No matter how many babyloss stories I read, I am still devastated by each one.
I am so grateful to have your husbands blog to read and reflect on – it’s the only other father blog I’ve found.
And congratulations on the second child growing inside of you. My wife had placenta previa with our first child, from week 21 to 34 weeks, and then it shifted as it does with most others.
Lots of love to you and your partner,
Josh
June 5, 2011 at 12:50 am
mamaliza
Good to read you words Lani
You’ve been through so much and are so strong and alive
I am grateful we found each other on this journey
Sending you love and rest
Can’t wait to meet the little one growing inside
Xox
June 9, 2011 at 10:18 am
Jill (Fireflyforever)
Lani,
I connected with your story early on, because we lost Emma during labour – a planned homebirth with a hospital transfer. I think you posted at MDC sometimes too? And, of course, I’ve read Chris’ powerful words at Glow. I have been in awe at the way you two have held onto friendships through your journey – that is one thing I have found and still find difficult.
I am so thrilled that you are pregnant again and I wish youa straightforward, healthy and peaceful remainder of pregnancy, with no more scares and a little brother or sister for Silas at the end of it.
June 21, 2011 at 11:02 pm
namastemom
Thank you for sharing where you are right now. I have been following your posts and that of your husbands. I think of Silas frequently and hold him in my heart with the many babies of ladies I know who left too soon.
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May 23, 2012 at 11:48 pm
Right Where I am Project 2012: 3 yrs, 8 months, 2 days « Elm City Mom
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