Last week I found the lowest of the lows. I had some bad days in there, days where it felt like I won’t ever feel ok again.
But then here I am, feeling ok. Very ok even. I allowed myself to go there, to sink deep in the sadness, in order to feel the highs, the joy and the fun.
Last Thursday was a crazy day. I had to rush from one school to the next, all day long. I went from here to there and back again. My last class was at a yoga center and I taught until 5:30. The problem was that I needed to make a 5:56 train to NYC to make an 8:00 Phish show. I had some new students coming, so leaving early wasn’t a possibility. The owner of the studio offered to drive me to the train, and promised she’d get me there on time.
All week I had worked hard to figure out how I could make this train. I bought my ticket the day before. I scoped out places to possibly park my car if I drove myself. I asked some friends for a ride based on the possibility of leaving early. When Jen offered me the ride, I accepted knowing full well that we may not make it.
When I got in the car and the time drew closer and closer to 5:56, I was actually very calm. Jen, who promised to get me there on time- she was the one who was so nervous! I just thought to myself-
“If I don’t make it, no big deal.”
I had to. Otherwise I was setting myself up for a huge disappointment. And we all know how that goes. These days I find that I am talking myself into and out of all sorts of things in order to cope.
But, I made it, out of breath and with minutes to spare. The train ride turned out to be as relaxing as it gets. After such a long day & the possibility of missing it, I was positively giddy! I did my crosswords, listened to the previous nights show on my ipod and just chilled out.
When I arrived, I had exactly 20 min to get from Grand Central to MSG. The race was on! Somehow, public transportation got me there meeting Chris inside as the opening notes began to play. By the time we got to our seats, I was so raring to go and thrilled that I pulled it off!
I had a great night. The music naturally takes my mind to places I sometimes don’t want to go. Like in Albany. Not this time- I made sure of it.
I had been so nervous that my downward spiral was just that. I really believed I would never get back out. That night I made a conscious choice to feel good and it worked.
The next day was also a lot of fun. We went and did a coffee cupping at the distributor where Chris buys his green beans to roast up for all his accounts. A coffee cupping is kind of like a wine tasting. There is a whole methodology to it and I’m learning so much more about coffee then I’d ever imagined!
The show Friday night blew Thursdays out of the water. It was unbelievable, they were on fire. They played everything I wanted to hear, and it was just a perfect night of letting loose. Letting all the piles of shit fall off my shoulders as I danced my ass off.
Don’t get me wrong, all is not perfect right now. Far from it. The point is that I can still go there. I can find that joy- the fun, the place where I don’t feel like my world is caving in on me. I started getting nervous that I may not be able to do that.
I look back on how awful it felt to hear the news, and then how I needed to process it in order to feel ok with it. I’m sure that for some time, as long as I’m not pregnant, it will still be hard. All that matters is that today I don’t feel like I’m buried, unable to come up for air.
15 comments
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December 7, 2009 at 10:16 pm
WG
Healing is so slow, but I see it happening to you. Not forgetting, but slowly healing.
How are the natural therapies going? Do you believe in accupuncture and those Chinese herbs?!
December 7, 2009 at 10:18 pm
sweetsalty kate
Sinking and rising, sinking and rising. More and more, there will always be that counterpoint, that place you can reach where there is light and hope and the odd ordinary (or extraordinary) day.
xo
December 7, 2009 at 10:33 pm
Sally
You do so well at taking the good with the bad and vice versa. You’re doing so well, Lani. Just keep going. 2010 will bring you so much joy I’m sure.
Love you lots and thanks for always inspiring me.
xo
December 8, 2009 at 7:31 am
Angie
Is it okay to say that this post gives me some hope right now? I feel like I have been in this awful downward spiral…it is nice to read of joy, of balance, of the beautiful ability to be present. With much love.
December 8, 2009 at 9:45 am
Kristina
I have problems sometimes getting worked up over things that are not in my control. I know it’s silly/stupid/irrational since it’s out of my control, there’s no point in letting it affect me, but that can be a lot easier said than done. Good for you for not letting what was out of your control get you down! So glad you were able to enjoy the shows-you deserved to. You work hard so you can play hard and you deserve every ounce of fun you can get! The healing process is one of ups and downs-savor the ups when you have them. ((HUGS))
December 8, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Michele
Sending hugs…
December 8, 2009 at 12:43 pm
mkwewer
I relish in the small victories now like I never did before. I guess it’s one positive thing about our losses, we appreciate things more…
December 8, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Erica
So glad you were able to enjoy some good music and dancing (sounds like it was phenomenal!) and have a little fun. I hope this is the beginning of an upward spiral.
December 8, 2009 at 5:26 pm
Marybeth
Thinking about you and very happy to hear that this week has been so much better than last. Go Phish! 😉 I’m thinking good thoughts and looking towards a happy 2010 for you!
December 8, 2009 at 8:07 pm
aliza
so glad that you made that train lani and that you had such a great, freeing time at the shows dancing your ass off! i need a little of that.
sending you lots of love
xoxox
December 8, 2009 at 10:54 pm
Danielle
Ditto- thinking of you dancing all the crap away for a while makes me smile (and rhyme, apparently.). SO glad you had that day!
December 9, 2009 at 3:19 am
Paige
I held my breath as I read this, so happy you made your train and had a great time at the shows. Keep on finding whatever joy you can, wherever you can. Sending much love to you, Lani. xo
December 9, 2009 at 6:20 am
Ezra's Mommy
My wish for you Lani, is that the joy continues to be an ever-growing presence in your life. Hugs.
December 9, 2009 at 11:55 am
Tracy
Glad you rocked it at MSG Lani…and hope this time of being able to breath lasts and lasts. All our love…
December 11, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Gal
Yay… And what Kate said. Yay. Keep dancing and listening to the music.