These days I go 2 steps forward and 10 steps back. It’s become the story of my life. Oh how I cannot wait until 2009 is but a distant memory. What a year it’s been- and it just hasn’t let up.
I’ll start with a few steps forward and the awesome weekend on my dead baby mama retreat. I have been wanting to write about this for days, but some news when I returned sent me those 10 steps back.
I was so fortunate to be able to meet and hang with these 9 beautiful women. Angie, Tash, Tracy, Sarah, Niobe, Julia, Molly, m, Laura & I traveled near and far to spend the weekend in a rented house in Ocean City, NJ. Being the Jersey girl that I am, I was shocked to never have spent any time in this little slice of heaven.
There was knitting, chatting, sharing, cooking, boardwalk strolling, baking, arts & crafts making, laughing, game playing, drinking and relaxing going on at all times. It was a much needed time away from home, time to be with the girls- the ones who get it. Such a rarity to be able to share a few days with other women who really know exactly how you feel. It is quite unfortunate we met this way, but also completely necessary.
The next day, I got the worst good news ever. Another pregnancy. So instead of being able to feed off of my wonderful weekend for a bit, I was sent into a tailspin and even to this day, have not fully recovered.
I expect pregnancy news all the time. It is what happens when all of your friends are married and ready to procreate. But every time, it just stings. This one though, I wasn’t prepared or ready for so it threw me for a complete loop. But this is how my life has been going lately.
The timing of this particular news was hard. We had to go and celebrate Thanksgiving somehow and pretend we were ok and that things in our life are not such a miserable mess.
And then someone said “Isn’t good news better then bad news?”
But Chris and I just want no news. And then the torment of my own mind when I think “we should be happy for them.”
I am. Of course I am. These are people I love with all my heart. But I’m sadder for us and that trumps any happiness I may feel. These feelings may pass in time, but this is how I feel right now and in order to get through them and get rid of them, I need to experience them. That much I know (thank you therapy).
It turned out that everyone was pretty amazing all weekend long- both the Thursday Gallagher Thanksgiving and the Friday Rosen Thanksgiving’s were really nice. Somehow we even managed to laugh and have a good time.
My beautiful 24lb heritage turkey that I made for the Gallagher’s turned out delicious and that helped. But we are still needing to be protected, coddled and treated like the fragile beings we are. I hate being fragile and that I may crack at any given moment. And yet that is how I feel. You could have swept the pieces of me off the floor of the theater on Sat night.
We decided to take a risk and drive up to Albany on Saturday to see Phish. We were ticketless but we heard they were giving away tickets the night before- there were many extras around. We got lucky and friends found us tickets really cheap. The night started well, but then I began to spiral into the abyss. It happened and I couldn’t seem to stop it.
It happened in an environment where I can usually let it all go and just have fun. I couldn’t do it. Chris couldn’t pull me out of it and I just delved into this deep funk and that was it. I was a lost cause. I hate the waste of what could have been a super fun night. Apparently it was some of the best music they’ve played since they started playing again but I couldn’t tell you that.
As I sit here writing, I’m still feeling so melancholy. I feel like I just need this month to sail on by so I can say goodbye to this year and this decade once and for all. I just need a fresh start.
I am Jewish so there has been no Christmas traditions in my own life- though I’ve become part of the Gallagher Christmas every year. Here in our own home, we don’t do a tree or celebrate in any way. For a few years in SF and our first year here in NH, we threw a Festivus party the day after Christmas. Now that was the way to celebrate the holidays! We didn’t do one last year, and for sure it won’t be happening this year. But that is a Gallagosen tradition I want to bring back at some point.
I don’t feel hopeful anymore, at least not this minute. There is more music for us on the horizon, but then it’s getting through the holiday barrage which I am not looking forward to in the least.
I will keep walking forward though, it’s all I can do.
16 comments
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December 1, 2009 at 3:30 pm
Deena
Sending you and your sweet hubby virtual hugs through the wires. I hope that 2010 is a good, fruitful, happy year for you both. Lord knows you deserve that and much more.
December 1, 2009 at 4:20 pm
kindbits
Keep taking those steps forward Lani. Sending much Love to the Gallagosen’s, you are always in our thoughts. (((HUGS))) Shawn
December 1, 2009 at 5:00 pm
Michele
Just because you are happy for them doest mean you cant feel hurt and sad, too. It happens. It doesnt make you a bad person.
Here’s hoping 2010 is a better year…
December 1, 2009 at 6:24 pm
m.
Keep walking. Keep walking. I will too.
I too, am in a tailspin with a recent pregnancy announcement. From a wonderful person, a beautiful friend. Who is, as she should be, celebrating every moment of it, every stage, on FB. Had the last cycle worked, we’d be arm in arm. But it didn’t, and now it seems I will have daily reminders of what might have been.
Shit. This stuff is hard.
The weekend was more amazing than I ever could have imagined. I wish the feeling could have lingered a bit more as well.
2010 is days away. 2010 is gonna be our year…..
December 1, 2009 at 6:36 pm
ilostaworld
Sending love, Lani. I’m hoping hard that this season hurries by for you, that it gets easier soon, and that you don’t hear any more news until you have your very own good news to help you through.
December 1, 2009 at 9:08 pm
Ezra's Mommy
I think sometimes we need to just keep walking forward toward the hope, even when we don’t feel hope’s presence by our side. Walking with you, and hoping for you Lani, through the light and the dark.
December 1, 2009 at 10:11 pm
mamaliza
oh lani,
i know all too well how it is to fall into that abyss…and the holidays and family time can bring up so much. take care of yourself, protect yourself and pamper yourself.
walking with you
xox
December 2, 2009 at 2:49 am
Mindy
Lani, You don’t have to feel bad or guilty about feeling like shit when you hear other people are pregnant. Can I tell you something? I have a very good friend on FB who found out she was pregnant just a week after Henry’s death, and her comments on FB about how much the universe loves her and how great her life is make me want to puke and die. Everything about her screams “NAIVE — never lost a baby, never seen the dead face of your child” — and I hate her for that. I can’t help it, and I wont apologize. You shouldnt either. You have a right to feel crappy, everyone else can go to hell if they don’t understand. If they had lost their baby they would feel the same. THIS, this abyss, this cavernous region where we know navigate is a scary place, it’s not easy to find joy anymore, or to feel optimistic. I just wanted to tell you I’m right there with you. For some reason I can only root for those of us who have lost a baby anymore, the rest of them don’t really need it.
December 2, 2009 at 10:45 am
Kristina
Definitely keep taking those steps forward and be proud of yourself when you do! When you take steps back, don’t beat yourself up over it. Just get through the backwards steps so you can go back to taking steps forward.
As I’ve said before, I will continue to be hopeful for you. You deserve the happiness you are seeking. I’m sorry 2009 has been such a shitty year. Hoping 2010 is the exact opposite for you.
We’re all here for you, when you’re down or up, and wishing for nothing but the best. ((HUGS))
December 2, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Paige
Lani, I’m so sorry. That news is so painful when it’s not yours and I wish it were you and Chris who were sharing it now, during this difficult season. I, too, can’t wait until 2009 is but a memory. Hoping and wishing that 2010 brings only an abundance of good things for you. You deserve that, and so much more. Sending love and hugs your way.
December 2, 2009 at 8:16 pm
TracyOC
I’m so sorry that it just keeps piling on for you. You certainly deserve all the best in 2010 and I’m hoping that you’ll get some good news of your own soon.
December 3, 2009 at 6:28 pm
Catherine W
I’m sorry. It is so hard when there is more of that wonderful news, the kind that stings.
I hope this month sails by rapidly and peacefully for you. xo
December 3, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Molly
Thinking of you, Lani, and hoping things turn around really soon and that you and Chris get good news of your own. I get the feelings of being left behind, jealous and frustrated. It’s so painful. Hang in there. And I’m here to chat any time you want to vent.
December 4, 2009 at 1:12 am
Childwoman
I really wish I could give a hug. And not say anything….because I have no words to comfort you..
So, sending a virtual hug to you.
xoxox
childwoman
December 4, 2009 at 3:33 pm
mkwewer
The holidays are already painful enough without an announcement on top of it. I also can’t wait to see this year end and while I’m lacking hope that 2010 will be any better for me, I’m going to put on a brave face and try. It’s just nice to know I’m not alone…
M
December 4, 2009 at 5:31 pm
Gal
Thinking of you, sweet friend, and sending huge love. Right here by your side.