I haven’t had much to say lately. It’s been a rough time for us and I feel like I’m one giant ball of negativity. It’s not me, it’s not who I ever was, but it somehow feels like it is who I’ve become.

This week in particular has been a hard one, I’ve been sick with a stomach virus for days. That on top of another month gone by without that happy news we’ve been waiting for. Well, actually, the Clear Blue Easy Digital Pregnancy Test said Pregnant on Monday. Chris and I had about 15 hours of excitement before the worst let down yet. I went and got a blood test to confirm it. The results the next morning were not what we expected to hear.

“Lani, your test results came back negative.”

What?! How is that possible. This preg test was the kind that actually said the word – Pregnant. There was no figuring out whether the lines were pink or a plus sign – it actually said it.

We were devastated, we felt so defeated. We even told our families and a few close friends. Now we had to let all of them down too.

My stomach virus kinda started a few hours into our excitement. I just thought it had to do with being pregnant. I even thought I remembered that happening to me last time.  So the next day, after we got the bad news, I canceled all my classes and took the whole day to sleep and not leave my bed. I think I needed to hide myself from the world. It’s how I’ve been feeling inside and out, so maybe this bug came just when I needed it.

Don’t get me wrong, being sick sucks- I hate it. But sometimes it just gives me an excuse to do nothing. To hide myself from expectations, chores, work, email, everything. I am so on, ALL THE TIME, that turning off for me is nearly impossible. I don’t shut down much. I keep my blackberry at my side, read and respond to emails on the go. I work a lot and like I’ve said many times before, I feel like I’m always cleaning.  It’s so strange because I’m a children’s yoga teacher! Yet I have a really hard time chilling out.

So chill out is what i’ve done for these last 4 days. I hated to cancel all my classes- if I don’t work, I don’t get paid. But, my mental and physical health is really what’s most important, so I accepted what had to be done, and I did it.  These few days of peace and quiet in my life were needed. Alright, alright, I still checked my email (I do have a business to run!), but I didn’t cook, clean, do laundry or dishes. I watched movies, read some magazines and took care of me.

Oh, and my car was towed yesterday. After my fit of tears, when I realized it happened, I had to laugh. How could I not laugh? I mean it was seriously ridiculous.

Today I didn’t teach, but I was up to my normal antics. I cleaned, did laundry, even did the garbage. But I do need to do those things too. It feels good to have a clean apt again.  I saw a commercial today for that stupid Clear Blue Easy preg test. They touted that they “are the most accurate pregnancy test on the market.” uh yeah. I seriously almost threw my shoe at the tv. But because I love my tv, I yelled at it instead.

My mental health break was important.  I have to remember to fit that into my every day if possible.  I definitely don’t feel 100% but I’m hoping to be well enough to go to work tomorrow. I don’t think I can chill out for another day- I’m actually ready to face the world again.

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