Something really crazy happened today.

A friend mentioned to me that “wow, it’s been 11 months already.”

I had to look at the calendar to realize that today is the 25th and marks the 11th month. I haven’t been paying attention to the dates. I guess I’m just focused on next month, that this one just went right over my head.

It upsets me though. I am so focused on getting pregnant, that I’m forgetting to think about my little baby who is gone. Who is not here with me right this second. It’s a tough spot, one in which I don’t feel too comfortable. I’m still working on the holding on to Silas getting pregnant with a new baby conundrum. It’s hard to do both. Because of that, I guess I let this important date slip by.

We watered Silas’ tree yesterday. Chris said how both terrible and satisfying it felt to do it. His tree is so beautiful and perfect, but in most ways it’s not comforting at all. It makes me sick to my stomach actually. I should not have a tree instead of my baby.

Today, some of my sweet little girls patted my belly and asked about my baby. These are my 4-5 yr olds who I teach yoga to- who I taught all last year when I was pregnant and who I still continue to teach now.  They know what happened but obviously still don’t get it.

One of them said “is your baby in your belly?”

I said “no, there is no baby in my belly.”

you will soon?”

I said, “yes, hopefully I will have a baby growing inside soon, I’ll let you know when I do, I promise.”

It’s in these moments that I feel the most raw. I get inside these little minds and understand how they don’t get it. How I can be pregnant, deliver a baby, but not have my baby? It makes no sense.  Their innocent questioning always knocks me over. I stay strong though, I have to. I answer like it’s totally normal and ok. The teachers usually look up in horror with their jaws dropped open. They never know what to say.

Last week was a really bad week. I was completely shut down, unable to cope with what life threw at me. This week has started a little better. I feel ok, able to answer challenging questions, communicate with my amazing husband and just take care of myself.

It’s so crazy but my crossword puzzle addiction is really helping. It is something I’m focusing on and feeling good when I complete one. It’s altogether just satisfying. I will take the satisfying over anything else right now.