I miss the innocence so much. Last night we skyped with a bunch of friends in SF who were having a birthday dinner party and it just made me long for those days again. Our 4 years in SF were filled with parties, friends, music, excursions, camping, and just plain fun. We were supposed to go out and visit last week, see some Phish shows, do some camping with the group up in Washington where Phish was playing. I wanted to go so badly. But we had to be responsible adults and cancel our trip b/c of work and money and all that bs. We knew it was the smart thing to do.
Hearing the stories afterwards- that part is hard. I wanted to be a part of it all- but it would never be the same for me, that I know. I don’t think I have it in me anymore to even be able to just let go and feel that carefree. I have a huge weight on my shoulders and a hole in my heart that any kind of fun cannot diminish. I think back to those days with a longing and still wonder how I got here.
We try, so hard we try, to just go out and have fun, live life, laugh and just fill that void however we need to do it. We took a city day this week. Hopped on the train and just explored NYC all day. It was a phenomenal day, we enjoyed the sites, sounds and the heat and especially each other. But even with days like that, necessary days like that, I just know something ain’t right.
With every moment of hope, there are equal moments of disappointment. It goes with the territory. Today is one of those days. I guess we have to just get back on that train, and continue to explore. It’s just so damn hard picking myself up after extreme disappointment time and time again. I knew it could happen. I prepared myself for the possibility. But the hope outweighed all that.
I want to take an eraser and just erase this last year of my life. I want to go back to that innocence where I believed it would all go smoothly and I’d have my baby boy in my arms like I dreamed for so long. Every passing day that takes me further away from Silas, fills me with dread. I am no closer to a baby today then I was yesterday, though I could have been.
We have a few more Phish shows this weekend which will help. We get to dance and be with friends and make attempts at fun. While the innocence is no longer there, the music definitely takes me places that I can’t control. It allows me to free my body and soul for a bit and just let in a little bit of what I lost.
Elm City Mom 
17 comments
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August 13, 2009 at 1:38 pm
livingintherainbow
Yes I know what you mean, everything is changed and you can’t see life as straight forward again. Can’t take good things for granted – assume they might be nasty packaged nice.
Perhaps in time we might regain a sense of joy for life because we know it cannot be taken for granted but that will take time for sure. Now it is just painful.
Anyway, sorry it is so hard. For use we had 1 year and 3 days between going for a 20 week scan thinking everything was fine (and getting the bombshell before then losing our daughter at 33 weeks) and finding our we will probably never have another baby! Tragic exchange I guess. Hard to look at life the same now.
That includes my son who is nearly 5 – paranoid he might die and we be left with no children. Silly but not at the same time.
Be gentle on yourself
http://www.livingintherainbow.com
August 13, 2009 at 1:40 pm
mirne
I know what you mean. I miss the old me. The me that used to be able to go out and party with friends and have fun and not worry about tomorrow. Or be sad about yesterday. But that me is gone. I know she is. I guess I’m happy that I had so long to do all those cool things. Even if I could do those things now, I don’t think I’d be enjoying myself anyway. I feel like I’ve lost that ability. I’m hoping it will come back one day … soon.
August 13, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Christa
So wonderful to see your beautiful face on Skype last night Lani. It felt like you were there with us, and I wanted so badly to reach out and give you a hug. Thinking of you and sending lots of love. I miss you.
August 13, 2009 at 5:51 pm
Sally
Oh Lani, I’m so sorry. Thinking of you so much.
xoxo
August 13, 2009 at 7:05 pm
Gal
Let in the healing of the music and your body moving this weekend, Lani. Sending you HUGE love, and a little boost of trust.
August 13, 2009 at 8:43 pm
paige
Oh Lani, I miss the innocence too, the old me. And I wish you were in SF, too, so that I could give you a real hug instead of the big one I’m sending you right now. I’m sorry for the disappointment, for the daily struggle that takes you further away from Silas. I’m sorry for all of it. Much love to you, sweet mama.
August 13, 2009 at 10:54 pm
Danielle
“I want to take an eraser and erase the last year of my life. I am no closer to a baby today than I was yesterday, though I could have been.”
I said almost exactly the same thing yesterday, and I think it all the time. Comparing where I am this year- all pain and doubt- to where I was at this time last year, all full of hope and the promise of a new life, I am hard pressed to believe that this year ever should have existed at all.
Hope the Phish shows fill you with joy and light- and that it’s the first of all the great joys to come.
August 13, 2009 at 11:13 pm
sweetsalty kate
I know what that’s like to feel freed up, even temporarily, by music. It’s a delicate thing to find the right music but when you do, it can be religious.
August 13, 2009 at 11:42 pm
Carly
Oh Lani, I wish there was something I could say that would help.
I think you should listen to as much of your music as possible. Music has been one of the biggest healers for me personally.
My love and peace to you,
Carly x
August 14, 2009 at 8:29 am
WG
You ARE closer to a baby, and even a day closer to Silas. When his older sister or brother is born, you will eventually teach him or her about Silas. Then there will be a new person to love and remember him.
Each day that goes by, you and I get older, and that sucks reproductive wise. But then we hear stories about women 39, 40, 41, 42 giving birth, and know that it will happen for us, even though we need it to happen NOW. I have such a hole in my stomach to match the hole in my heart. I have a psychological, emotional, even physical need to have a baby inside me again.
What I have done is just stay on that road. Like you, I’m taking prenatals. Keeping in shape. Reading about older women having babies every day. Even reading about ivf (scary and hard financially and hopefully a last resort in a year from now.)
You talk mainly about the emotional aspects of what you are going through here. Sometime (maybe via email) we can talk about the medical aspects. A lot of people are not in the same boat. You and I are 38 and not really infertile – maybe secondarily so. But a blog entry would help a lot of people.
Anyway, having backup plans, making baby-conceiving a job…all of that makes me feel I’m on the train to mommyhood.
August 14, 2009 at 8:31 am
Ezra's Mommy
Lani, I miss the innocence too. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about where we were this time last year…how much hope and expectation we had, how little doubt and pain…and I cried and cried for hours until I finally exhausted myself into falling back to sleep. Beautiful post from a beautiful mama.
August 14, 2009 at 8:32 am
Catherine
It is very difficult to find optimism again. I feel like some things will just never be the same now. I can’t enjoy them as I used to or as I would like to.
I hope the music helps. I hope it frees you, even if it is only for a little while. xx
August 14, 2009 at 8:57 pm
mamaliza
lani,
i too miss the innocence. the ability to laugh and have fun and be carefree. i have been watching people recently and envying that. summertime, young couples and friends laughing on the beach. i used to be like that too. we are forever changed.
i’m glad that the music can take you away for moments, bring you a tiny bit of freedom and that you had that city day together.
sending you love
xox
August 14, 2009 at 11:08 pm
Auntie Lis
Hi Lani,
Nice to see you with your very own blog. I was happy to read that you and Chris gave yourselves a day in nyc. It’s not San Fran but it’s still good to return to the vibrant city life that you two have enjoyed for so long.
Hope you are enjoying the music right now that provides some needed healing.
August 16, 2009 at 6:46 am
afteriris
There are so many layers to even the simplest thing in the ‘new normal’.
Sending love x
August 17, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Kristina
Hope phish was good for your soul this weekend. I know it was great seeing you both and I’m already looking forward to the next time we get to hang out. Love you and always thinking of you. ((HUGS))
August 17, 2009 at 5:22 pm
littlebluebirdsfly
Music is so good for the soul. I hope it recalls a bit of the innocense lost. I know exactly what you mean.