I miss the innocence so much. Last night we skyped with a bunch of friends in SF who were having a birthday dinner party and it just made me long for those days again. Our 4 years in SF were filled with parties, friends, music, excursions, camping, and just plain fun. We were supposed to go out and visit last week, see some Phish shows, do some camping with the group up in Washington where Phish was playing. I wanted to go so badly. But we had to be responsible adults and cancel our trip b/c of work and money and all that bs. We knew it was the smart thing to do.

Hearing the stories afterwards- that part is hard. I wanted to be a part of it all- but it would never be the same for me, that I know.  I don’t think I have it in me anymore to even be able to just let go and feel that carefree. I have a huge weight on my shoulders and a hole in my heart that any kind of fun cannot diminish.  I think back to those days with a longing and still wonder how I got here.

We try, so hard we try, to just go out and have fun, live life, laugh and just fill that void however we need to do it.  We took a city day this week. Hopped on the train and just explored NYC all day. It was a phenomenal day, we enjoyed the sites, sounds and the heat and especially each other. But even with days like that, necessary days like that, I just know something ain’t right.

With every moment of hope, there are equal moments of disappointment. It goes with the territory. Today is one of those days. I guess we have to just get back on that train, and continue to explore. It’s just so damn hard picking myself up after extreme disappointment time and time again. I knew it could happen. I prepared myself for the possibility. But the hope outweighed all that.

I want to take an eraser and just erase this last year of my life. I want to go back to that innocence where I believed it would all go smoothly and I’d have my baby boy in my arms like I dreamed for so long. Every passing day that takes me further away from Silas, fills me with dread. I am no closer to a baby today then I was yesterday, though I  could have been.

We have a few more Phish shows this weekend which will help. We get to dance and be with friends and make attempts at fun.  While the innocence is no longer there, the music definitely takes me places that I can’t control. It allows me to free my body and soul for a bit and just let in a little bit of what I lost.